Rating: R

Disclaimer: Josh owns 'em. I'm just borrowing them.

Distribution: 

http://cnscaldron.tripod.com

http://mysticmuse.net

Feedback: Of course. Let me know what you think.

Pairing: Just Willow

Part 1   Part 2    Part 3    Part 4

I wake with a start to find I've been sleeping in Xander's lap. His back's resting against the temple and his fingers absently stroke my hair. Everything comes back. At first I think maybe it was all a dream but then I see the cuts on his face and chest... It was all very real. I start to cry again and he pulls me into his arms, trying to hush me. The sun is low so I figure it must be late afternoon. It's an odd feeling – losing time and not being sure how long I've been in the same location. I hear thunder rolling in the distance but it hasn't started to rain yet. He tells me we have to get off the hill before the storm comes. I tell him to go and leave me there. At this altitude maybe I'll get lucky and get struck by lightening. He says that's not very funny. I tell him it wasn't mean to be. I'm being honest.

Reluctantly, I move to my feet with his help and we make our way down the hillside to Joyce's Jeep. Buffy never carried the keys. She walked everywhere she went and the key was always hanging on a hook inside the kitchen. Xander had the forethought to get home, get the car and race to the hill. He has doubts about his usefulness and his intelligence but as it turns out the guy is pretty damn smart when the chips are down.

He opens the door and helps me inside. As he starts to drive, I look out the window. I tell him that I hope she does it quick. He asks who does what quick; he's totally confused. I know what I am now even if he doesn't see it. I'm the 'big bad' and I know what the Slayer does to all the big bad's in the end.

"I hope Buffy kills me quick," I answer him.

He tries to reassure me that won't happen. It's not much of a reassurance because the only thing that would make me feel safe at this point is death. I welcome death more than the thought of going on. I never realized how much destruction I was capable of. I do now. And now…now everything is fucked up beyond repair. Including me. The world's a better place, a safer place, without me.

We stop out front of the Magic Box. He turns the ignition off and opens his door, walking around to mine. He offers his hand and helps me out. My body is sore and my spirit is worse. He closes the door after I exit and wraps his arm around me in an almost protective fashion as he leads me inside.

To say the shop is a mess is an understatement. It's only lit by candlelight now but I can see the wreckage I left behind. Anya walks toward us. I'm unable to look at her as she approaches. She says something to Xander but I miss it. My eyes are focused on Giles who's still lying on the floor. It appears Anya has made him as comfortable as possible with blankets she found in the shop. As Xander and Anya talk I slowly make my way over, ignoring their conversation.

His eyes open. I prepare myself for the worst lecture of my life. But instead he smiles. Of all the things he could have done why did he have to smile? Something breaks inside me again and I fall to my knees, crying at his side. I'm sorry for everything - so sorry - and I don't think he'll ever realize just how sorry I am. I beat him within inches of his life. Giles. I hurt Giles. I hurt all of them. What's worse is not only did I physically harm them but I destroyed years of trust in a single day.

He moves to a sitting position and pulls me into his arms.

"Don't," I tell him.

But he doesn't listen.

I don't want his sympathy or his well-meaning platitudes. I want his wrath, his anger. He has no right to be this compassionate toward me. When I realize that he's not going to give up, I find myself apologizing in his embrace. I apologize over and over and he lets me ramble. He strokes my hair and kisses my temple slowly, repeatedly. He tells me he's going to see I get everything I deserve. Soon he starts apologizing for leaving months ago, for failing to see that I needed guidance he could have offered if he hadn't been so blind. Giles is apologizing to me? It just doesn't seem right but I'm crying too hard to say anything except I'm sorry. I flash back to the night I apologized to Buffy, falling to the ground as Spike led Dawn away. I was firm in my resolve to leave magic behind. But what changed? Suddenly, I remember…Warren took away my heaven in just three seconds time.

The place is a wreck but the bell on the door still works. I hear the jingle and I turn to see Buffy and Dawn enter. I look to Giles and he nods me toward them. Slowly I rise to my feet, wiping my eyes. In six years that I've known Buffy I could always read her pretty well – when she was sad, happy, angry, scared…but at this moment I'm not sure what the expression means. Dawn is now half hidden behind Xander, peeking around, watching me. She's the only one that seems to see me for what I am. A monster. Something to be feared.

"I know I don't deserve it but…do it fast," I tell Buffy as I begin to close the distance between us.

I'm hoping she accommodates my request. Silently, she walks over. She starts crying and pulls me close to her. Seconds later, I cry too. But I'm confused. I'm not sure if I'm crying because she loves me too much to kill me or I'm crying because she won't give me the exit I crave as we stand wrapped in each others arms.

The rest of the night seems to go by in a haze. I remember apologizing to Anya and her walking away without comment. I remember taking a shower at the Summer's house. I remember Buffy taking me upstairs to her bedroom. I remember Xander on the phone with the morgue. Buffy mentions something about decisions, next of kin. She has all kinds of questions I don't have answers to. I'm having a hard time focusing at the moment. When I can't answer she strokes my back and says 'I'll take care of it' as she leaves the room. The touch seemed reassuring but that look in her eyes...I still can't get a handle on it. Even hours later.

I lay in bed in a fetal position and wonder why I'm not dead yet. Why can't I be dead? Is that too much to ask? I see Giles peek his head inside the door. His wounds have been tended to and he sports a bandage on his head, thanks to one of the many gashes I put on his body. He tells me to try to get some rest. Seems we'll be leaving for England in the next day or so. He's making arrangements for me over there. I give a nod and as he leaves I finally feel a sense of calm pass over me. I know why I'm going to England. He's going to kill me there with the council's help. I'm going to get what I deserve like he said. I'm sure of it. Finally I'll be free of this life. With that thought I'm finally able to close my eyes.

This waking up and not realizing where I am is getting old already. But at least this room looks familiar. It's Buffy's room and I see Giles lying next to me asleep. I struggle to piece together how long I've been in this bed. I honestly don't know. I'm burning up and I feel how damp my forehead and clothes feel from my sweat. My body starts convulsing and the jerks I can't control wake up Giles. He calls out to Buffy and suddenly she's standing in the doorway.

"It's starting," he tells her. Quickly, she darts away yelling for Dawn to get the ice.

It's starting? What's starting? Ice? What the hell is happening to me?

I try to speak but I can't make a sound. I can't even cry. Maybe this is it. Maybe I'll die now. That thought seems to calm me more than Giles who's gathered me in his arms to stroke my hair.

Buffy returns with a bucket and Dawn watches from the doorway until Buffy orders her to wait in the hall. Surprisingly, she does without argument. My head is swimming and it's getting difficult to breathe. I can't seem to swallow and instinctively I clutch my throat. Giles opens my mouth and points Buffy toward a bag that's sitting on her dresser. Without prompting she gives him something that looks like a tongue depressor before turning around again. Giles tries to keep my head still but he's not having much luck with the spasms and he calls out to Dawn. She peeks inside. He tells her to get behind me and keep my head still. She does as he asks and he opens my mouth and pushes on my tongue.

"The pump or the needle?" Buffy asks, looking through the bag.

The pump or the needle? What pump? What needle?

"Let's try the drugs first," he tells her. He looks back to me. "We're going to give you a muscle relaxer. Your throat is constricting Willow. You won't be able to breathe if we can't get your muscles to relax. You're coming down off the magic high."

Buffy turns back around with a syringe in her hand, testing it to make sure the air bubbles are gone. Once finished, she hands it to Giles.

"All set?" he asks to be sure.

"All set," she tells him.

He tells Dawn to steady my head as much as possible and I feel the needle puncture the skin of my neck and the burning sensation that follows. Within seconds my spasms subside but Giles still keeps my mouth open, my tongue depressed.

"Is she gonna be okay?" I hear Dawn call behind me. Buffy looks doubtful and avoids the question, going over to the bucket she brought in.

"She's going to be fine Dawn," Giles tells her. I've known Giles long enough to read him too. He isn't sure either.

"The towels?" Buffy asks.

"Yes," he tells her. "We need to lower her temperature."

Next, I feel an ice-cold towel draped over my legs. Then comes another that covers the top half of my body. Giles points back to the bag and Buffy goes over and brings a temperature strip which Giles places on my forehead.

After a few moments he takes it off and looks at it closely.

"Dawn, go run a cold bath. Start making another bucket of ice. Quick as you can – go!"

She sets me back down on the bed and dashes from the room. Buffy takes Dawn's place behind me and Giles looks up at her. "She's at 104.6. The towels aren't working."

104.6? 106 means brain damage. Sometimes it's a bitch being intelligent. Death I can handle but I'm not sure if brain damage is something I want to struggle with the rest of my miserable life. At this point I'd take jail for killing Warren than feeling this way for another minute. In the end I think maybe he got the better end of the bargain. He no longer has to deal with living and if I could trade roles right now at this moment I would. I remember coming down from Rack's highs but it was never as bad as this right now.

I feel Buffy and Giles lead me into the bathroom. Buffy asks if they should undress me but Giles says there's not time. It's only up to my shins and it's freezing. Buffy leans over me to make sure my back doesn't crash against the tub surround. Once I'm settled inside she tells Giles she's going to help Dawn. Giles gives her a nod and starts to pour some of the cold water over my shoulders and head. I shake as a result and he apologizes repeatedly, saying it needs to be done.

Buffy returns a few minutes later. The tub is nearly filled and just when I think it isn't possible to get any colder she dumps the ice into the tub. I'm convinced they are trying to kill me now from hypothermia. Dawn comes in next with a new strip for my forehead and Giles administers it. After a few moments he reads it and lets out a sigh.

"100.4" he tells them.

Dawn grins and Buffy runs her hands over her face in what appears to be relief. But in honesty I'm not sure. She's distant now. More distant with me than she's ever been. It's going to be a long night…and an even longer day. Tara's showing should be tomorrow if I'm counting my days right. For now I continue to sit in the cold water, shivering.

Xander hands me a cup of coffee as he takes a seat next to me. Coffee. Earlier this week I drank coffee with Tara. She smiled. She flirted. And then she came home to me…And now she's gone again. This time forever.

"How you holding up?" he asks.

"I'm here…barely."

"I thought you should know…the guys at the site took up a collection to help with the costs here so don't worry about it. Giles and I got the rest covered."

Actually that hadn't entered my mind. How would I pay for all this?

"Thanks," I say softly. I play with the swizzle stick in my coffee before taking a small sip. Cappuccinos I can handle but coffee always made me jumpy. My nerves are shot as it is.

It took all the focus I had the night before to pick out one of Tara's dresses – her blue one. She always looked beautiful in blue. Buffy said she'd take it to the funeral director. It never occurred to me how I would pay him for the service. I was sure Mr. Maclay wouldn’t cover a dime of it. He disowned Tara or more to the point she disowned him by choosing her family over her kin. I didn't even have a way to contact him about what had happen. Tara never spoke of her family before they arrived in Sunnydale and she never spoke of them afterward.

She got a full scholarship to Sunnydale U without her family's approval. She applied, won and then sent them a note from campus telling them where she was and what she was doing, not bothering to add more. The more I got to know her the more I realized she was highly intelligent although extremely shy. Much like I was until Buffy came into my life…It seemed odd but the more time I spent with Tara the more she opened up to everyone around her. Those people were here now – professors and students - offering their condolences, hugging Buffy who stood vigil at Tara's coffin. I just sat in the corner, taking up space, nursing my coffee.

Once Tara knew people she had no trouble telling them what she thought. The nervous stutter disappeared and she was quite eloquent. I grin as I think about the argument she and Anya had when Anya wanted me to use magic to release the spell that kept us all locked in Buffy's house. Tara was always mild mannered but she wasn't a push over. She'd fight for what she believed in and even though she had left me, she fought for me that day. Reason being, she still believed in me.

I wonder what she would say after this weekend. All the damage I've done. Would she believe in me again? Would she think I could regroup after all this? I'm really not sure. Giles had asked me during my rage if I considered what Tara might say about all this. At the time I didn't care. I wanted vengeance. Now, since all I have is an aching, hollow feeling, I find myself asking that question, scared to admit what she would say.

I overhear people asking if the police had caught the man that killed Tara. Each time Buffy replies the same way. She says, "No and I'm sure he's long gone at this point." I'm a bit surprised. I honestly didn't think she would 'hide' my deeds. I guess being a Slayerette has its privileges – like getting away with murder. Of course I'm not sure how much I really got away with. I've lost quite a bit. My friend's trust. My sanity. A big chunk of my soul. Buffy still doesn't make eye contact with me for more than two seconds. Neither does Dawn. Not that I can blame either one of them. I run my fingers through my hair, trying to clear my head. Xander must feel my mood shift because he wraps his arm around me.

"Now there's a blast from the past," I hear him say. I look up to see Rabbi Mershmen walk in. He gives me a gentle smile and I rise to my feet with Xander following.

"Mr. Harris," he nods to Xander as he comes over.

"It's good to see you Rabbi," he replies offer his hand. "It's been awhile."

"Yes it has. I wish it were under different circumstances." He then turns to me and opens his arms. I take the invitation and give him a hug. "Your mother called from France sweetheart so I thought I would stop by. You know my doors are always open if you need it."

I grin for the first time all night. "Thank you Rabbi Mershmen."

"Not a problem my dear. Is that your friend Buffy over there?" he points. I give him a nod.

"I'm going to offer my condolences… If you'll excuse me..." He lets me go and I watch him walk over to Buffy and they exchange a short conversation before he hugs her and walks over to see Tara. I watch him give a short prayer before making his way back over.

"I asked Buffy if you're set for services tomorrow and she said that a pastor will be stopping by. But if you need anything don't hesitate to contact me. Understand?" He takes me by the hand and gives a light squeeze.

"Thank you," I tell him sincerely.

"There are a few women from the temple that are bringing some dishes by tomorrow since you'll be holding a wake."

We are? That's news to me. But I'm not surprised. I'm a bit out of the loop. I'm a bit out of everything.

"That's sweet but I don’t want to inconvenience them."

"It's not an inconvenience," he assures me. "They're happy to help out anyway they can. Would you be kind enough to show me out?"

"Of course," I tell him as I lead him to the door. Once we're alone, he turns to me. "How are you doing sweetie? Really?"

"Really?" I ask. He just nods. "I wish I were dead. I wonder why it couldn't have been me in front of that window." Then I could have saved my friends all the grief I've caused. All the damage I've done wouldn’t have happened. And Tara would have the sense and grace to go on unlike me.

He runs a hand across my cheek. "It's not your time. God still has a plan for you. It might be hard to see that now but realize you still have a purpose here. And you still have family and friends that love you Willow. Don't lose faith."

"It's hard," I tell him.

"Yes it is," he agrees. "It might have been a few years since I've seen you but I remember," he grins. "You're a good person Willow. You need to go on, not just for you but for all of them. For Tara too."

"I didn't think the synagogue was into consoling lesbians," I grin.

"I'm consoling a good person with a good heart. It's not my place to judge anything beyond that…I don't want to intrude, which is why I'm leaving, but if you'd like me to stay-."

"Go on," I tell him with a playful shove, "Get outta here."

"Alright," he nods as he kisses me on the forehead. "Be strong little one."

"I'll try."

I watch him leave. After he's gone I turn around to see Giles.

"Your Rabbi?" he asks.

I walk back to him, nodding. "Yeah my mother called him." Quickly I realize my lack of manners. "I'm sorry I didn't introduce you Giles. I just-."

"Don't worry about it Willow. You've got a lot on your mind dear."

I nod and I feel him wrap his arms around me. He holds me and I just enjoy the safe feeling it gives me if only for a moment. "Do you want to go back inside?" he finally asks.

"No but I guess I have to huh?"

He strokes my cheek but I watch him look toward the door. Next, I hear him call over my shoulder.

"Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg. We thought you were out of town."

I turn around to see my parents standing there. "We just got in from the airport. We came straight here," my mother tells him.

"Well, I'll leave you alone. I'm going to check on Dawn," he announces. As he slips away I walk over to them.

"Mom; Dad," I nod toward them. "I'm glad you could make it."

My mom starts to cry and it feels contagious. She pulls me into a hug and kisses my temple. "I'm so sorry sweetie."

I'm surprised she cares. She didn't like Tara very much. She was such a backwards girl she told me once. Plus the fact she was a girl too. That didn't help much. She always managed to work in a 'sin' factor when she could. We'd grown a bit distance since I came out but to be honest there wasn't much of a closeness there to start. My parents always had a busy life that I was never a part of. I found as the years went by that Giles felt more like my father and Joyce like my mother. Buffy's family had become my own much like we had all become Tara's. And I wonder, when my mother dies will I take it as hard as I did Joyce's death. And when it does happen who will console me now that Tara's gone.

I pull back and wipe my eyes.

"How you holding up Sport?" my father asks.

"I don't know. If mom died how do you think you'd feel?" The sarcastic words are out before I can pull them back in. "I'm sorry," I tell him. "As you can see…not very well."

"It's okay," he says. "It's natural to lash out. It's part of the grieving process."

Dad – always the psychologist. It's ironic in that irony is a pain in the ass kinda way. He spends so much time fixing other people but his own daughter becomes a homicidal maniac. I wonder if it's his lack of skills as a psychologist or lack of skills as a father that could bring me to this point. I don't dwell on it though. It bothers me to think about it. Besides, my parents aren't that bad. It could be worse. I could have Xander's parents. And in the end it's not his fault at all. It's my own.

"Come on," I tell them as I motion toward the parlor room. Xander see us enter and he comes over to greet my folks. They always liked Xander. They even wished I'd 'settle down' with him someday. Even if he wasn't a 'nice Jewish boy' he was still better than the Baptist woman I lived in sin with.

We make our way over to Buffy and she excuses herself from a conversation to finish the journey over.

"I see you made it," Buffy nods approvingly.

"Yes, well the 'Get your ass home and visit your grieving daughter' comment didn't go unheard," my mother tells her.

Buffy looks over at me briefly. "Sometimes Anya isn't the only one lacking in tact," she tells me. "My bad."

Speaking of which, I look around and see that Anya is now talking with Xander and Giles. I grin for just a few seconds when I think about her condolence speech of, "I'm sorry that Tara got shot and died. She was a nice person. Would you like some orange juice?" Out of all the well-wishers it's actually Anya that brought a smile to my face, even though the real reason was unintentional on her part I'm sure. Yet again I think…the irony…

The morning went by in a blur. I remember getting into Xander's rental car but I don't remember walking into the funeral home. I don't remember meeting the pastor. I don't remember his sermon. I don't remember even seeing Tara's body in the parlor room. Suddenly I'm standing at an open grave, looking at a cherry casket. Perched behind is a gray headstone with black letters – 'Tara Maclay – October 16^th 1980 to May 7^th, 2001'.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look back to see Giles standing behind me. "We need to go home now," he tells me.

That's great. But I don’t have a home anymore. Tara was my home. My everything. I feel like jumping inside and letting them bury me too. Maybe that way we'd be together. With a heavy sigh I turn and follow him. Tomorrow we leave for England. Tomorrow I die. It's comforting in a way.

Giles opens the door of his Westbury cottage and motions me to step inside. Tentatively I pass the threshold. It's not a large home. It's quaint, charming – totally Giles. It's a scholarly bachelor pad with tons of books and records lining the far wall. He sets his suitcase down and takes mine from me. Any doubts I had about dying were realized when he told me to pack enough clothes for two days. At least I know how long my stay of execution will be.

Sure he could have let me die when the withdrawals were at their worst but I figure the council probably has to have a hand in it somehow, someway. Maybe I'm too powerful now. Maybe they'll lock me up in some magical dungeon instead as a form of punishment. I'm really not sure and a large part of me doesn't care. The only one to see us off at the airport was Xander. Buffy, Dawn or Anya weren't there. Not that I blame them.

He leads me through the house showing me where everything is. He jokes that he wishes he'd rented a place with two bedrooms but he didn't expect company so I'll be bunking with him. His sofa is far too lumpy for any human to sleep on, he adds. He shows me the bedroom and puts my suitcase on the bed. He points out a drawer and says when I'm finished unpacking to join him in the kitchen and we'll go out to do some clothes shopping.

"Clothes shopping?" I ask.

"Well yes, you'll be here for at least the next three months. You'll need more than what's inside your suitcase. It's May I know but it's also England. Something warmer will be in order I assure you…We'll go after you're settled in."

He turns and leaves, allowing me some private time. I suddenly realize he's really not going to kill me. Nor will the council. Sure he let me go to the funeral. Sure he consoled me as I grieved. But deep down had the feeling he was acting on council orders to see I was returned and 'taken care of'. It appears that's not the case. Chances are there's no magical dungeon either.

Quickly, I check my pocket. I have the $1000 Xander offered and I reluctantly took. I planned to have it sent back to him but now I wonder if it will be enough over here. My brain computes the currency exchange and I grin for just a moment. Badass black magic bitch who's still a major geek under all the Goth. I know the funds I have won't take me very far but I'll stretch it as far as I can. I wonder if it will be enough. Xander offered to wire over more if I needed it but I couldn't ask him for more. He's already given me so much and not just the money.

I realize however the biggest question I have is will Tara understand? Will she know why I'm not there in Sunnydale? And would she hold all of it against me? It feels like weeks since it all happened but it's just been a few days. God, how long is the rest of my life going to feel since Giles isn't going to kill me now? How am I going to handle it? Will I be able to handle it? I don't think I can.

I begin to wonder if Giles has any weapons in the house; something that I could use on myself. He was never a 'gun' nut so I'm sure that's not an option but a cross bow perhaps. A short sword to fall on maybe. Hell, even a Swiss army knife and a warm bath would work. Okay. I need to regroup and think about what I'm considering here. I mean, do I want to give up? Would Tara want me to give up? If the situation were reversed I know I would want her to go on. I decide she would too and I realize I don't want to spend anymore time alone with my thoughts. It's too dangerous.

I go to the kitchen to see Giles making tea. Always the Englishmen. I find myself grin in spite of my melancholy. He's another reason that I can't give up. He turns around and sees my slight smile and cocks his head in wonder.

"I didn't know it was four o'clock yet," I tease him.

He smiles and motions me to sit down. "Anytime is tea time to a real Englishman," he adds as he pours two cups.

I raise the cup in toast. "When in Rome," I tell him.

"Rome is farther east I'm afraid." His smile is infectious. "It's nice to see you grin Willow. I've been worried about you. We all have."

"I don't know about that. Seems Xander's the only one that can look me in the eye for any length of time. But I understand why. I do…I'm treading lightly here Giles. I don't know if something might 'set me off'." I shake my head. "I just…I don’t know anything right now except that they've put Tara in the ground and I'm too much of a fucking mess to be there for her."

"Staying in Sunnydale wouldn't have helped you or her right now. As harsh as it sounds, she's gone…Besides, you were there for her when it truly mattered."

I grin. He's always been good at that. Trying to make us all feel better. But the grin doesn't stay long. "Thanks but that's hard to believe."

"How so?"

"If that were the case she'd still be alive."

A small silence passes between us as we drink our tea until Giles speaks again. "Remember Miss Calendar?"

I remember Miss Calendar. Jenny. Computer teacher. Techno-pagan. One in a line of generational witches… much like Tara…

Giles was crazy about her and when Angel had gone bad and killed her, Giles went out for revenge, nearly getting himself killed in the process. I remember getting the phone call at Buffy's, the two of us collapsing in each other's arms in a puddle of tears when we learned she was dead.

"Yes I remember."

Giles took a deep breath. "God, I loved that woman. I truly did. Grant it our relationship wasn't as cemented or as long as yours and Tara's but…to have her taken away like that…to hold her dead body in my arms. I would have traded places with her at that moment…There's no pain quite like it, is there?"

"No, there isn't." I feel my eyes tear up and my finger plays with the rim of my cup.

"I won't lie to you Willow. It hurts…even today it still lingers…But you do move on. You have to find what it is you truly live for and that helps."

"Well there's my dilemma Giles. I lived for Tara. And now that's gone."

"But you didn't always live for Tara, did you?…Look, you don't have to have the answers right now or even this week for that matter. Just consider who you are Willow. Think about what inspires you, deep down, and that will pull you through."

"So how did you do it? What got you through?"

He takes my hands and looks deep into my eyes. "You did…And Buffy. And Xander…I knew you still needed me and that helped me face each day. The work I did was important and the people that helped me with that work were important as well."

"Yeah but you're forgetting one thing Giles."

"What?"

"They don't need me. They're better off without me. All I bring them is pain and destruction."

"Don't you realize the only true pain here is the fact they hurt because you hurt? Physical wounds heal and with time so do the emotional ones. I won't lie to you and say that they don't feel betrayed. They do. But they understand your grief. On some levels they feel as responsible as you do for everything that's happened."

"How so?"

"Buffy feels she could have found Warren sooner and had him arrested before firing a single shot. Xander feels he should have charged Warren as soon as he saw the gun but he froze. They both have a sense of responsibility to this although there's nothing anyone could have done…Even Anya in her misguided way wishes she'd convince you somehow to let her deal out the vengeance on Warren. And Dawn…Dawn wishes she had contacted me when you reached out for help. She, like Buffy, thought quitting cold turkey would be best for you because lord knows that what all the 12 steppers will tell you. But magic is different. And she has a sense of guilt in this too. So they know more than you realize. And I think they're trying to help you the best they can."

"Unless you're going to kill me, I'm not sure how being here is going to help them."

"Don't talk that way. As I said I'm making arrangements. There's a coven here that's part of the watchers council. I'm in the process of getting you a seat."

Did I just hear him correctly?

"Wait a second. You're going to train me to be a witch? After everything I did?"

"I'm going to train you to be a Wiccan. A true Wiccan and not an evil incarnate you're capable of becoming. That's the first step."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. That power will always be with you Willow. You'll never lose it and it's far worse for you to stop altogether. You must learn to be the master of that power. If you do suddenly stop and denounce the magic I'm afraid you'll, how should I say… 'implode' at some point…And the results of which might be far more deadly the second time around. You may even kill someone you love. So one of the keys to your recovery isn't avoidance. It's discipline…I should have seen it," Giles sighs. "I should have stayed after you brought Buffy back and worked with you then but…I underestimated your powers. It was my error and I apologize."

I harrumph. "You're apologizing for my explosion in black magic? That's my fault Giles, not yours."

"Yes you're right. It is your fault. Don't forget that. Ever…But as a friend I should have seen it's progression. And knowing you the way I do, I should have…"

"Formed an intervention?"

"Of sorts…yes."

"Well what's this coven all about?"

"It's a group of witches basically," he shrugs. "They do exercises, training, spell casting, spell reversals…many things actually."

"So the watcher's council has like…a Hogswart school?"

Giles grins. "Well I-I'm not sure if I'd go with the Harry Potter pop culture reference but…y-yes they do. And I think it would be good for you." He pats my hand and rises from the table. "But as I said, we'll worry about that later. First we need to see to your wardrobe."

"I don't have much money Giles. Xander gave me-."

"Don't worry. The council is paying for it."

"The council? How'd ya swing that?"

"I have connections," he grins again. "Besides, the council knows how powerful you are. Helping you now could be a great asset to them later. So nothing is ever free," he teases. "But let's not question it too much. Let's just take advantage of their generosity while they're giving it."

+++++

I wake up from a dream. It seemed so real. So vivid. We were at the park. I was standing at our bridge, the place where she sang to me. I watched as she walked toward me with a warm smile on her face. My girl. My Tara.

But suddenly her expression changed. 'Your shirt' she said with a cock of her head. I look down to see it covered in blood. Not just a few splotches. It's soaked red and when I look up I see the crimson spot growing on her chest. I screamed in the dream and I must have screamed aloud too because Giles is now sitting up with me in bed, stroking my back.

"Nightmare?" he asks softly. "They'll be frequent for awhile. We've talked about this."

I nod. "Tara…She…She got s-shot at the park."

But I know she didn't get shot at the park. She got shot in the bedroom. The place we made love just hours before. She was still gone though. She died in my arms. Limp. Expressionless. Just…dead.

I start to cry. It's too much. I can't take it anymore. All of it. Knowing I hurt my friends and might hurt them again, losing Tara who was everything. The guilt of killing Warren and even Rack for that matter…It's too much. I'm done. It's over. I just can't take it. The dreams, the pain…I'm never going to get better. I'm always going to be haunted. And I'll never be normal again. I know I have to end it. It has to stop. I can't take the chance of hurting someone I love and I can't go on hurting like this anymore. It's just too much. They'll be better off without me. All of them. Even Giles.

I calm down, resigning myself to my fate. I pull away from Giles embrace and wipe my eyes as I steady my breathing. This has to end. All of it. It has to end. This is actually a good thing in the long run.

I rise from the bed and tell Giles I'm going to take a bath. Maybe it will help me go to sleep. He gives me a nod and I walk past the kitchen before heading to the bathroom. I take one of the knives from the wood block and finish my journey.

I turn the water on making it as warm as possible without being scalding. I place a washcloth in my mouth and I bite as hard as I can as I make an incision in my arm vein. I'm gonna do it the right way. This isn't a plea for help. It's a plan to leave. No wrists slashes for me. I know better. It's east to west, not north to south. The blood begins to trickle slowly but that will change. Once the warm water does its job it will flow more freely. I turn the water off and climb into the tub submerging my arm. I'm not there but a few seconds when I hear the banging on the door. My eyes dart open.

"Willow open the door!"

"I'm in the tub Giles," I tell him calmly. "Go back to bed."

Next comes the pounding.

"Open the door this instant!"

"I said go away!"

He's not going to give up but I know I'm not leaving the tub. Maybe the lock will hold him long enough. Just as the thought leaves my head I see a battle-ax slice through the wood. Goddamn it! He's gonna get inside! Why can't I just fucking die in peace?

He makes a hole big enough to fit his hand through and unlocks the door.

"Bloody Hell," he whispers as he races over. He unplugs the tub and tries to pull me out.

But I won't leave without a fight and I kick and punch, trying to stop him but it soon becomes useless. He's stronger than I am and he overpowers me. For a brief moment I consider calling on the magics but I remember the last time that I used the magics against him and I feel all the more worse for even thinking about it. I collapse on tile floor - dripping, bleeding and crying. Giles is soaked with water and covered in my blood too from my flailing arms from moments before. He grabs a towel and ties it as tight as he can around my wound. Quickly he starts to chant and I feel my arm grow incredibly hot before instantly cooling as he finishes. He lets out a long sigh before his disapproving eyes meet mine.

"You are not giving up!" he shouts, making me jump. "You are stronger than this and you will beat it! How dare you?! How dare you do this and leave me to find your body?! We've lost Tara but we're not going to lose you too. Do you understand me?" I can't answer him. I'm crying too hard. When I don't say anything, I feel him shake my body. "I said do you understand me?!"

"I understand," I sob.

He rears back to hit me and I flinch. Instead of releasing the blow he moves to his feet, frustrated. "I would knock some sense into you if I thought it would help," he mutters. He then opens up his medicine cabinet and I watch as he starts to pull items out. Bottles of aspirin, sinus medicine, things I don't recognize…anything I might use to try to overdose. I watch as he flushes it down the toilet.

He leaves the room and returns with a dry set of clothes, tossing them in the sink. He pulls down some bandages, gauze and surgical tape. Next, he goes to work mending my arm. I look down after he removes the towel to see the wound is now shut, a result of the magics he called upon, but it still looks raw. The alcohol stings but I don't issue a protest. Next, he wraps the bandage so tight I'm not sure what hurts more – the bandage or the cut itself. He stands up and points to the new clothes in the sink.

"Get undressed and put them on," he orders. I look at him for a moment wondering if I'll get any privacy. He answers my unspoken question. "You're not leaving my sight so stop being modest and get dressed."

Quickly, I turn around and switch my pajama bottoms; then my top.

"Back to bed," he orders. I follow him without response.

Once inside he motions me to the bed. "I went to make you some tea when I noticed one of the knives was missing." He starts to tear up and takes a seat on the bed. "If I had found you in the morning do you have any idea how I would feel?" I can't answer him. I can't even look at him. "You were sorry for hurting me in Sunnydale but did you realize that the pain at finding you would have been a million times worse? Do you?"

"I don't want to hurt you," I tell him. I can't look at him. I can only look at the bandage on my arm as my fingers absently play with it.

"Then lose the death wish and focus on living," he orders.

I give a nod. "I will but…"

"But what?" he replies sarcastically. "You must understand there are no 'buts' when it comes to this Willow. Either you will or you won't. It's that simple."

"It's so hard," I tell him, still unable to look at him. "You don't know what it's like Giles."

"I know more than you realize. I did some major damage in my youth too with a body count higher than yours I should add. I've delved head first into the black arts. I've lost lovers unexpectedly…I realize more than you think. So instead of taking matters stupidly in your own hands, come to me!" He pauses and takes a deep breath, his voice becoming much softer and gentler. "Talk to me Willow and we'll ride it out together."

"Why are you doing this?" I ask. "Why are you subjecting yourself to all this grief?"

"Because I love you."

Finally I look up and meet his eyes. "I love you too Giles."

"Then promise me you won't harm yourself again."

I give him a nod.

"Now, I'm going to take all the weapons out of the house tonight just in case. I don't want to have to restrain you at night while we sleep but I will if I have to."

I make a decision at that point. I wasn't going to bring him any more pain or inconvenience him. It's obvious that what I did moments before was completely stupid and self-centered. "I promise Giles. I won't hurt myself again. And I won't hurt you. You won't have to do that."

"I'm doing it anyway," he says rising to his feet and moving to the door. "I just want your word it won't happen again."

I nod and give a sigh, reaching deep for a confident voice that conveys my determination. "You have my word. I promise. It won't happen again."

"Very well," he nods. "Lay down and get some rest. I'll be back shortly."

I watch him leave the room and I pull the covers up over my body, grateful that he has enough strength for both of us at the moment.

I walk into the room with a spell-casting book in my grasp and I can feel all the eyes turn to me. I feel like an intruder. Nervously I scan the room, looking for a seat.

An elderly woman looks up from a book and rises to her feet with a warm smile, coming over to greet me. "You must be Willow Rosenberg," she begins. "Mr. Giles said you would be arriving today."

I nod. "Yes, I'm Willow."

"Class," she announces in a thick British accent, "I'd like you all to meet Ms. Willow Rosenberg. She's Mr. Giles charge visiting from America."

No one says anything, in fact they now all turn away not wanting to look at me. The woman motions me to a desk in the circle and I take my place. "I'm Rosa Hagness, dear. One of the instructors in the coven." she tells me. "You may call me Rosa or Mrs. Hagness, whichever you prefer. We're waiting for a few others but we'll begin shortly."

I thank her and give her another respectful nod before she walks away. I look around the room and see a young woman looking in my direction. Quickly she turns away, looking back at her book. My sigh must have been heavier than I assume because I feel a tug on my sleeve.

"Don't worry about them," the young woman next to me whispers in an English accent. She about my age with shoulder length black hair and crystal blue eyes. "They've heard lots of rumors but I've never been one to believe everything I hear."

"If it's about me it's probably true."

"You blew up an entire town?"

"Well, an entire magic shop," I shrug. "But I've done worse too." Much worse.

Still she offers me her hand. "Althenea Dimmons."

"Willow Rosenberg. But I guess you know that huh?" I say lamely.

Her grin is warm. "How long are you here?"

"I'm not sure," I answer her honestly. "At least the next three months."

"Not enough time for you build a solid relationship Althenea. But then again, that never stopped you before. "

We both turn to the foreign voice that's entered our conversation two desks down.

"That's Mary Prinz," Althenea tells me. "She's a S.I.T. and witch who thinks she knows it all."

"I don't think," she answers smugly. "I know."

"What's a sit?" I ask.

Althenea grins. "Not a sit. An S.I.T – Slayer in training."

"Oh…they have those?" Willow asked. "I thought the chosen one was just…you know…chosen."

"With the last true Slayer, I hear that was the case. A lot of watcher red tape led to her being lost in the shuffle somehow. But now the council is taking an interest in all the girls they feel may be slayers someday. So instead of another big surprise, they train them in advance. Once they're called into service they're prepared."

"So tell me Miss Rosenberg," Mary says poking into our conversation again. "…Is it true you gotta thing for the birds?"

At first I'm not sure what she means by birds. But then it hits me…Women.

"Why? You lookin' for a date?" I counter. My anger at her arrogant attitude is beginning to overshadow my nervousness. "Sorry but you're not my type."

"I bet Althenea is…Isn't that right Althenea?" Mary nods to the woman sitting next to me.

Mary also looks to be about our age and she reminds me of someone. Dark hair, dark eyes. I wonder for a moment and then I realize – she's just like Faith, all attitude and mouth.

"Just ignore her," Althenea tells me.

"You can't ignore me," Mary smiles. "I'm the chosen one or at least I will be soon."

"I beg to differ," I tell her.

"Why's that?"

"Because I know THE Slayer…Not a wannabe but the genuine article."

"Rumor has it you almost killed the Slayer." I flinch and I'm sure she saw it. "But she just gave you a reprieve since you KNOW her… right? She'd rather let you kill her than take your life?…Realize something quick, witch. When the time comes and I tangle with you because your black magics threaten the world…you'll be a dead woman."

"That's enough…Miss Rosenberg, may I see you outside?"

I look over to Mrs. Hagness who's standing up from her desk. Oh, God. Now I've done it. Not even 10 minutes and I've messed up again.

We all watch as Mrs. Hagness walks out of the room. Althenea gives me a pat on the arm for support and I walk out, passing Mary who has another smug look on her face. It's so hard not to reach over and try to slap it off. But I begin my breathing exercise that Giles started with me.

Once outside I shut the door and turn to Mrs. Hagness. "I'm sorry. I'm not-."

"Don't worry about it," she tells me. "I'm not upset with you. You have to understand that Mary has a lot on her shoulders but I do plan to speak to her Watcher about her behavior moments ago. I brought you out here to let you know that she gives all the newcomers a difficult go of it. And there are many rumors floating through these halls about you. I won't lie. And I must confess. Having you in my class is…a bit…unnerving… I can feel your darkness that still lies inside. It won't be easy but Mr. Giles has informed me that he feels you can handle it. And I trust Mr. Giles…From what I just witnessed. I would say he's right," she grinned. "Keep holding your ground Willow. Don't give into your temptations. Listen to what I have to say. Learn your lessons well. And the rumors won't mean anything, nor anything that might have transpired recently on the Hellmouth. Am I understood?"

"Yes ma'am," I nod. Isn't this great? I …unnerve… the most powerful witch in the room.

"Very well then," she grins. "Back to class we go."

"Hey! You're home early."

I stand at the kitchen stove checking to see if the water was boiling as Giles comes in.

"Meeting didn't take as long as I expected. I'm not sure if that's good or bad." Giles walks over and inhales deeply. "Whatever it is your cooking it smells wonderful."

"Spaghetti," I tell him. "Since most of the food at the market looks like the part of the animal that should be thrown away…" I pause which earns me a chuckle from Giles. "This seemed like a safer bet. Actually I was gonna make chicken noodle soup – it is the food of my people ya know," I tease. "But after I got the chicken out I realized…I have nothing to cut this with – no knives in the house. So I went with Spaghetti instead."

He leans against his refrigerator with his arms folded across his chest. "Do you think you can handle the knives being back in the house?"

"I think you're the better one to answer that than I am Giles."

"I think you're ready but do you?"

I pause a moment and I grin. "You know…giving up would be a whole lot easier…but I'm sticking it out. I gave you my word and I meant it. I've had more nightmares since that first night – you know that. But…it feels different…It's like… I had to hit rock bottom before I, you know, could pick myself up again? I mean, I-I can't say I'm making great strides yet but at least I'm standing upright again. And pretty soon I'll be trying some baby steps. A-And that's all good, right?"

Giles smiles. "I'll bring the knives back in tonight."

I give him a grin. "Good…Now I'll make able to make soup." I turn back around and put the pasta into the water.

Giles starts to chuckle and I turn around. "What?"

"Nothing," he smiles.

"Oh come on. You can't hold out on me."

"Well… y-you cook for me, you clean for me. All the benefits of having a wife…Well, minus one," he grins.

"Why Giles, you dirty old man."

"I didn't say which benefit my dear so who has the dirty mind," he laughs before both turn a bright red.

I laugh and throw the dishrag I have on my shoulder at him. "Touché… If only you were 20 years younger Giles – and female. I might just shack up with you for good." I wink before going back to my cooking. "But moving onto more important topics, what did the council say?"

"Seems your speculations are correct. The hellmouth is getting more…what did you call it? Hellmouthy?"

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. That's for sure…Did they say anything in particular?"

"No they didn't but they are interested in the visions you've been having. I told them as much as I know. Is there anything further you might have for me to take to them?"

I shake my head. "No I don’t. I'm not even sure if they can be called visions - just feelings really. I haven't 'witnessed' anything yet but if I do you'll be the first to know…I just wish I had more to give you."

"That's quite alright…It will get better in time. As your skills improve, you'll be more focused."

I gave a sigh. "Yeah, that's if I don't get all veiny and turn Mary Prinez into the human torch when she slings one too many insults my way…She worries me Giles."

"You think she'll harm you?"

"No, I think I'll harm her," I tell him honestly. "Some days I-I find myself looking at my hands and arms wondering if I'm gonna 'meltdown' and blow the school up. I don't wanna get all 'Carrie' on them Giles and it bothers me. Nobody in class speaks to me. Hell, they don't even look at me. Even the instructors of the coven like Mrs. Hagness seem…afraid of me."

"But I thought you made a friend. Althenea was it?"

"Well yeah Althenea…but I think…She's looking for a girlfriend and I'm definitely not on the market so she's wasting her time. It's just…" Giles waits for me to continue without interrupting my thoughts. "They look at me like I'm evil – the students, even the instructors. And every look is different. For some I see fear, in others I see contempt…In a few like Mary I see…I don't know…jealousy almost…like she wishes she had that power. It just gets tough sometimes."

"Well, as you said, you knew it wouldn't be easy."

"Yeah I know and I'm sticking it out. It's just that…Gaia above…I feel like the same freak back in high school all over again Giles. You know what I was like back then – total spaz. The only friend I had was Xander and then later Buffy too but…I feel like the outsider and I thought I was passed that, you know?"

"Can I be perfectly honest with you?" Giles began. I just nod. "When I knew you in high school I understood exactly why you felt like an outcast. The reason wasn't because you were a freak Willow. The reason was because you were exceptional. You were smart with a dry wit that others rarely saw or possessed themselves. The same is true today so I'm not surprised you feel the same again…You're more powerful than they are. And they all know it.

So yes, it's very much like high school again. And truth be known you shouldn't change that for anyone. I know you've had your doubts but you are a great asset to everyone who loves you and to the residents of Sunnydale who will never even know your name. They get up, they eat breakfast, they schlep to their jobs as you might say-."

I laugh because hearing a slang word out of such an English mouth is just….funny. I quickly hold up my finger. "Okay – for the record, yes I'm Jewish but I have never used the word schlep in my lifetime," I add with a grin.

"Point taken," he says with a slight chuckle. "In any case, these Sunnydale residents are oblivious but they have you to thank because you've protected the human way of life time and time again…We have the hardest job in the world sometimes. We love the Slayer – and we do what we do because it's the good fight; it's the right thing for us. So you're not a freak Willow. As I said, you're exceptional. And personally, I wouldn't have it any other way."

"At least you try to see me," I say softly.

He cocks his head. "I do. You think the others don't?"

"I think my parents don't," I answer firmly. "I always tried to be the good girl. Be seen but not heard. You know, only child, a real go-getter, hoping to hear a 'That's our gal' from them once in awhile…Truth is, they never noticed me. They still don't. And I'm surprised they tore themselves away from their vacation to come to the funeral," I chuckle miserably. "Hell even at the graveside, y-you led me away, not them - putting an arm around me, telling me I wasn't alone. They didn't do that. Don't you think as my parents they should be the ones to do that? And that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the fact I have you Giles. I do. More than I think you realize. It's just…they're my parents…I'm trying to make sense of everything in my life. And why after all of these years do I still care? Why is it so important that I think they love me? Or maybe the real question is…why don't they love? Why am I nothing more than a shadow to them? And why did the fact that they ignored me make me do things like magic to make me feel better about myself – to make me feel special?" I shake it off and chuckle nervously. "I'm sorry Giles. Didn't mean to get all Freudian on you just then."

"Willow," Giles begins as he walks over. He runs a hand over the back of my head before resting it on my shoulder with a firm grasp. "I'm convinced that the best families aren't the ones that we're born into. They're the ones we make. But still it's hard when you can't be everything you think your parents want. I understand." Giles grins and give me a pat before walking to the refrigerator. "Believe me I understand," he adds as he pulls out a pitcher of cold water.

"What were your folks like?"

He pours a glass and takes a drink first.

"Well, my mother stayed at home. She had two sons – myself and a stillbirth baby. My father was a Watcher. Of course he wanted me to take over the family business so to speak. And like all good sons, I didn't," he grins mischievously. "...I liked my psychology classes and playing guitar. I liked getting rowdy with my friends after school. Buggaring my instructors during school was my second favorite hobby…I liked magic…I liked my vinyl collection…I liked being everything my parents hated…But in spite of all my rebellion…I still wanted them to accept me."

"An irresponsible hellraiser? I just can't see it Giles," I grin.

"I didn't get the nickname Ripper for nothing," he counters.

"So how did you become a watcher?"

"The black arts actually. And Ethan Raine."

"Ethan Raine?"

Giles nods. "See, when I started to dabble in black magic, and that's putting it mildly, I realized just how dangerous the world is and how fragile…There was a bloke who had his eye on young lady I'd been seeing. I decide to work a little magic to eliminate the competition."

"What happened?"

Giles pauses and licks his lips. "I did a spell. The results of which made his car lose control. He and five of his friends died. Ethan and I went out to celebrate when we heard the news by getting drunk and doing another spell on a couple girls we fancied. A simple lust spell. One night stand sort of thing…I didn't even do the spell on the girl I killed those boys for. It was someone I'd met only once before."

I can't believe my ears. "Jeeze Giles."

"I'd like to say I cleaned up my act after that but I didn't…More spells. More girls. More deaths…But the time did come when I had to take a serious look at where my life was going. And I knew I had to make a choice of which side I was going to be on…So…I did…It wasn't until I saw the darkness that filled the world – that filled myself – that I could make a real choice about my future."

"And you turned it around?"

Giles took a sip as he nods.

"I choose the good fight. Ethan…he didn't…He liked the chaos of it all. But I knew I had to do what I thought was right…Just like you're doing now…The power is alluring, seductive…but in the end if all you have is power you find life isn't very fulfilling."

"Maybe we're a lot more alike than I ever thought," I reply.

"I believe we are…Well, I'm going to settle in before dinner," he says making his way from the kitchen.

"Hey Giles?"

He stops and turns around with a grin.

"Thanks for bringing back the knives…it really does means a lot to me." He can tell I'm not just talking about the cutlery.

"No thanks needed Willow. You've earned my trust."

I grin and go back to my cooking. But a thought occurs to me that chases the smile away. Giles trusts me again. But will the gang ever reach that point?

"Okay class. Today we're going to try a simple exercise," Mrs. Hagness begins. We're all sitting in a large circle. "As we've been instructing everything is connected to the earth and you will use these skills today. You will levitate this rose and slowly pick the petals off. Miss Rosenberg and Miss Dimmons, please come to the center and sit across from each other. Miss Rosenberg you will perform the spell and Miss Dimmons will be your anchor."

The word 'anchor' pierces through me. I had an anchor but she's dead and I'm not sure I'm ready for a new one yet.

"No offense to Althenea but do you mind if I do this one alone. I don't want an anchor."

"It can be dangerous," she tells me.

"What's the worse that could happen?"

"You could spontaneously combust," she answers.

Hmmm…."Yeah that could be bad…but…maybe you could just keep a cup of water handy so if I start to smoke you can put me out?"

The comment actually makes a few people around us chuckle and Mrs. Hagness tries not to grin.

"It's your decision Willow," she replies seriously.

I nod understandingly. "No anchor. I wanna try."

"Very well then."

I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly before looking around the circle.

"I've tried this spell before with…with someone and the rose got a little out of control. If it looks like it's moving toward you t-then chances are it is so…duck."

With that I close my eyes and concentrate on my breath. When I feel the rose lift I open my eyes to see it. One by one I 'will' the petals off until there's nothing more than a stem. Gently I rest it back to the ground and let out a long breath. I did it. I controlled it. I had power over it and I feel myself grin.

"Well done," Mrs. Hagness compliments. "Exceptional control. Who wants to try next?"

I make my way to leave the circle when she picks up the barren stem and hands it to me. "Here. You've earned it," she grins.

I give a small grin of my own and take it. Secretly, I can't wait to show Giles.

"Willow you have to get up. We're going to be late."

"Just five more minutes? Please?" I mumble into the pillow.

"I told you last night you should have gone to bed instead of staying up to read that spell book."

Oh yeah, that spell book! That was cool. It was about the root system and how everything, even humans, is connected to the earth. It even had meditations to use for healing flesh, which if I ever get back in good with the scoobies could certainly help out. I only managed to get halfway through it last night but I'll be able to read more today. The thought wakes me up and I sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

Giles steps inside the bedroom and yanks the covers off my body.

"Hey!"

"Get up now," he tells me.

"I'm up. I'm up."

"Where the bloody hell are my shoes?"

"How would I know?" I tell him as I finally leave the bed and make my way to the bathroom. "Do I have time for a shower?"

"No," he tells me. "It's a half hour to our meeting and it takes 15 minutes to get there."

"Well can I at least brush my teeth and my hair?" I ask.

"If you go now and quit arguing? Yes," he says looking under the bed for his shoes.

"Which shoes are you looking for?" I call out as I walk through the house.

"My brown ones," he yells back.

"Check the hall closet," I shout back as I close the bathroom door. As I put the toothpaste on my brush I hear him yell a 'Thank you' and I have to grin. How the guy managed to survive before I got here is a mystery. I race along to finish up and come out in my robe. He's in the living room and gives me that 'Giles look' before he starts pointing at his watch.

"You're still not dressed?"

"Going now," I tell him as I walk back to the bedroom.

After I finish putting on my clothes I wonder if I should wait just a few extra minutes just for spite and to see if he starts making that clicking noise with his tongue when he's upset. Besides it's only a watchers council meeting. I'm not even a Slayer so why the hell should I be there? I figure I've given Giles enough grief and passive resistance isn't going to help either one of us. I put on my shoes and grab my coat as I exit.

"Hurry up Giles. We're gonna be late," I tell him with a smirk as I walk quickly out the door.

+++++

Quentin Travers. I'd forgot how much I dislike this man until I see him walking over to Giles and I with a smile. I could fake a smile like Giles is at this moment but why bother.

"You're early," he says as he walks over. I make sure to flash Giles a 'Willow look' in response. "Excellent. The council is assembled so we'll start right away."

We walking inside Mrs. Hagness' class room and I'm surprised to find her there. Uh oh! What'd I do now? This is certainly not good and I find myself standing closer to Giles. He must have picked up on it because he starts to lean down to me.

"It's alright," he says. "Don't worry."

"The council would like to ask you some questions Miss Rosenberg. Please have a seat," Travers tells me, pointing to a chair. Cautiously, I sit down. "It's our understanding from Mrs. Hagness that you've done extremely well in your studies here so far."

"Yeah, a regular four point 'o' er. What do you want Travers?" Wish this guy would cut to the chase.

He grins and looks to Giles. "She's got spirit. I'll give her that," he says.

Spirit. I don't have spirit. Quite the opposite. I have nothing left to lose. It's been over a month and Buffy still won't speak to me. No one at home does. Well that's not true. I've spoken to Xander once with a conversation no deeper than 'How's the weather?'. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Would I be ready to speak to them now if they called? I don't think I am. I don't think I'll ever be.

I watch as Travers turns back to me. "You're here today Miss Rosenberg because we'd like to advance your classes. Move you up and onto bigger things. In fact we'd like to make you part of the coven itself and not just a student."

"Why's that?"

"You've surpassed all your studies at this time. And as it turns out, you'll be needed at the Hellmouth sooner than we expected."

"I'm not ready to go back there. I'm not sure if I'll ever go back there," I tell him honestly.

"I understand you've had some difficult times recently and-."

"Difficult times? Let me tell you about my 'difficult times'. My lover died in my arms. I nearly killed my best friends with the Black Arts. Oh yeah and let's not forget the whole trying to end the world thing too…I'm not welcomed at the Hellmouth and I'm in no rush to get back there anytime soon."

"It wouldn't be soon. You still have a few weeks of training left and we feel-."

I give a sarcastic snort. "A few weeks of training? Most of your coven has studied years and I don't see you in a mad rush to send them any where near Sunnydale. Why do I get the cushy job?"

"You know the Slayer. How she thinks. How she works. You are also far more powerful than any current students. Perhaps even more powerful than some of our instructors who are part of the coven you're joining."

"Well at this point I'm not even on speaking terms with your Slayer. And it wasn't magics I was using. It was black arts and I'm trying to get away from that. I'm trying to learn to balance and now you want to throw me back in for your purposes. I don't think so Travers," I say as I rise. "Find yourself another lackey because it ain't me."

I'm almost to the door when I hear Giles call out my name making me stop. I turn to face him.

"Please hear them out?" It's not a command but a request. Why can I never say no to this man?…I know why. He loves me – unconditionally…And I feel the same for him, even after the Ripper tales he's been sharing with me.

"You've got two minutes," I tell Travers. He starts to open his mouth and I add, "For Giles. Not for you or you or you or you," I say pointing to a few other council members scattered about the room. "So speak quick."

"Something is coming to Sunnydale," Travers begins. "You've felt it. The coven's elders have felt it too. No other student has. You are the one we need. The one the Slayer needs-."

"Buffy," I stop him. "Her name is Buffy. Your Slayer has a name. Try using it once in awhile. Maybe it will help you remember she's human. Grant it a-a super human but still a human…Continue."

He licks his lips nervously and I have to admit I like the fact I'm making him squirm. "Buffy," he starts again, this time stressing her name, "is about to come up against something dangerous to the Slayer line. Something grander than any of us could imagine. She'll need everything at her disposal to face it."

"Oh right. Like when she turned 18 and you took her powers away while fighting a badass super Vamp? Oh wait! Or how about when she went up against brain sucking Glory but you wanted her to play 20 questions first before you'd tell her a damn thing? Forgive me for even THINKING IT, but I doubt highly that Buffy's best interests are in your heart Travers."

My sarcasm isn't going over well with the room. The council looks pissed with the exception of Giles who has a smirk on his face. He knows I’m telling the truth. The truth that he can't mention for fear of being cut out of the loop again. His eyes silently cheer me on.

"When Buffy falls another will take her place. We know this. We understand this. Perhaps that's something that you should learn too. Our primary focus is fighting the forces of darkness, not protecting an active Slayer. That's a watchers job - to give her what she needs to see her tasks are carried out. Mr. Giles has taught the Slay-Buffy…everything she needs to know. But in order to fight this darkness she'll need your powers."

"So your solution to the latest rising problem is to have one of the darkest of the dark witches at Buffy's side? A witch who doubts her course in life and whether she can control that darkness within herself? And you want her sitting right on the Hellmouth?…To borrow a Giles phrase - that make you 'profoundly stupid'."

"As it stands right now…no, we don't want you there. We want you here, learning control, discovering a new outlet for your energy, to get you in touch with the true ways of the Wicca Religion. With your knowledge and aptitude we have no doubt that a few weeks is all you'll require before going back…Consider this Miss Rosenberg. How would you feel if the fate of Buffy and that of your friends rested in your hands but your fear stopped you from returning? What if they died like your lover because you weren't there to prevent it?"

I grin. "Sorry Travers but emotional blackmail won't work on me. And emotions aren't something I have much of at the moment aside of anger and despair. I'm not what you need right now."

"Right now you're not. But you will be. All the council is asking is that you consider it."

"Are we done now?" I ask as my hands move definitely to my hips.

"For now, yes," Travers answered.

"Good," I retort. "Giles? I'll be in the car."

With that, I leave the classroom without looking back.

"Willow!" I turn to see Althenea come toward me, picking up her pace. "How are you? I haven't seen much of you since you've been in private sessions with the coven."

We start to walk side by side as I head to yet another tutorial. "Same ole. Same ole," I tell her. I see an inquisitive look. "American term. Means the same - not better but then again not worse. How about you? Find a new anchor yet?" I grin.

"Yeah Mary," she sighs.

"Condolences," I grin. And she follows suit.

"We're heading to the Techno Palace tonight. Want to come?"

"Techno Palace? A dance club?"

She nods.

"Well I dance like a Jewish, white girl," I grin. "I'm not sure if you'd want me stepping on your toes."

"I'm not much of a dancer myself to be honest. But it would be nice to just hang out for a while. We could catch up and you could tell me about your work at the coven."

I know I have to put the breaks on right now. "Look Althenea. I'm flattered really. But I'm not sure if I'm the kinda girl you want to be courting. To be totally honest, I'm a wreck and you deserve to spend your time on someone…who's not."

"Is this about what Mary said?" She doesn't wait for an answer. "Willow, I'm not looking for anything more than a friend. I don't have many friends here…Okay I have no friends here," she grins sadly. "They all think I'm going to make a pass at them or something and that's not the case. The only reason they asked me to go is because I was standing there and they felt they had to invite me too. It just would be nice to talk to someone who's…well…like me."

But I'm not like you, I think to myself. "Yes we both do the witchcraft thingy and we both have an attraction to the 'fairer sex' but…You're a good person Althenea. I can't say that I'm the same."

"I don't think that's true. You've done some harsh things yes but you're a good person too Willow. I can see it in your aura."

"Aura or not, I started using magics to help the people around me but at some point I used it to help myself. I put a spell on my girlfriend to make her forget a fight we had and nearly got us killed. I used magic for everything that I saw fit not to mention using it to hurt the people I love. Somewhere along the way, I lost what it means to be a true Wiccan and I'm paying the price. I don't want to drag you into that."

"Who said anything about 'dragging'? Look. A couple of drinks and a couple of dances. That's all I'm asking," she tells me. "Maybe you should stop focusing on all the wrong deeds you did and start moving toward forgiving yourself…I'm not going to push alright? The invitation is there. We'll be meeting at 7 tonight." I watch as she pulls out a piece of paper and writes something down before handing it to me. "That's the address. I hope to see you there but if not…maybe I'll catch you around again sometime."

I take the piece of paper. There's something about her…she reminds me of myself many years ago. It probably took everything she had to make the offer to me and against my better judgment I hear my voice saying, "Okay, I'll be there."

"Really? You mean it?"

"Yeah," I nod. "Maybe you're right. Maybe a night out of Giles place would do me good."

"Great! I'll see you there then…7pm."

"7 pm," I nod.

She smiles and waves goodbye as she turns around and walks back the other way. I look at the paper again and wonder if I just lost what's left of my mind I recently found.

+++++

"I'm going out tonight Giles. If that's okay, I mean?"

"Certainly. You're not a prisoner here," he tells me before taking a bit of his dinner.

I made sheppard's pie but without the pig guts or cows feet or whatever it is the yokels put in this stuff. I had to go into the city to actually get ground chuck. Yeah I'm a carnivore and damn proud of it I must say. Sure, it costs me a pretty penny but hey…I needed some real meat. I think I'm starting to have iron withdrawals. I dreamt of a Big Mac from Sunnydale last night because I think even the hamburgers over here are made with something other than old Bessie. But then again there's that big debate that the food back home is kangaroo meat but that's just a rumor. I know when I learned the DoubleMeat Palace served veggies I felt sooo cheated after all those years of thinking I was building my cholesterol levels. At least their fries were always greasy.

"Althenea asked me to meet at a club. Catch up on what's going on," I tell him.

"Oh really," he smirks. And I know what he's thinking.

"It's not a date," I insist. He continues to grin. "It's just a 'hey, how ya doin' get together thingy."

He chews but he doesn't lose his grin. Alright. Now he's starting to be annoying.

"What about you?" I ask turning the tables.

"What about me?" he replies.

"It's Saturday night. You shouldn't be sitting all alone. Don't you got a honey tucked away at some flat in London someplace?"

"No. No 'honey's' to speak of," he answers.

"Oh come on Giles. You're moderately young and quite handsome. I'm sure you could get a date."

"Thank you I think," he replies with a bewildered look. "A-Actually, I was seeing someone but it's a bit on again off again."

"Right now it's off I'm assuming?"

"I'm not sure. I haven't spoken to her recently."

"Well pick up the damn phone," I tell him. "Give her a call. You really need a life Giles and I refuse to be the reason you stay home."

"To be honest, I don't mind being home…I've wanted to look after you."

"Well I don’t think I need a nurse-maid. Hey! I know what! Why don't you call her tonight? Sure it's short notice and all but maybe she'd like to get together. You two could hook up. Meanwhile, I can go to the club and explain to Althenea repeatedly why any attraction to me is bad news."

"I don't think an attraction to you is bad news Willow. Too soon perhaps but not bad news."

"Says you…But let's look at my history. Xander – who didn't know I even existed romantically. Oz – werewolf. Enough said. Then Xander again but that ended with his girlfriend getting spiked on a collapsed staircase. Then Oz again who cheated on me and then nearly ate me and not in good way. Then Tara…" I trail off. I'm tempted to add 'she's dead because of me' but instead I stick some mashed potatoes in my mouth.

"It wasn't your fault," he says softly.

I set down my fork and shake my head. "How do you do that? How do you know exactly what I'm thinking?"

"I read it in your eyes," he replies softly.

"That's scary Giles."

"And you're being evasive," he retorts, finishing off the last of his dinner. I try not to grin. I am being evasive and I know he won't let me get away.

"She's not dead because of you Willow. It was just her time. Unfortunately you had to bear witness to it."

"I just keep thinking of…all kinds of things, you know? Like maybe…maybe if she'd waited just a few more days to come back to me. Maybe if I told her we should take things slow again and sent her back to the dorm. Maybe if I went over to the window when she mentioned that Xander and Buffy were making up I could have taken the shot. Maybe it wouldn't have killed me. Maybe I would have saw it and pushed her out of the way…Lots of maybe's huh?"

"Yes," he agrees, "but not one of them can hold you accountable for her death…You will move on at some point Willow. And you will find love again."

"Find love?" I snort. "I'm having a hell of a time finding me Giles let alone someone else."

"True," he nods. "But there will come a time when you realize your place and you'll accept affection again. It might take time and you might not feel worthy at first but don't let that stop you from trying. In fact…I'd like you to make another promise."

I sigh. "Another promise? I think I'm promised out Giles."

He grins. "Promise me that once you feel more grounded; once you realize your place in life, you'll allow yourself the chance to move on and love someone else."

"You're not hooking me up with Althenea are you?"

"Lord no," he chuckles. "I think it's too soon for you and overseas relationships rarely work. Believe me I know first hand…I mean later…somewhere down the road. You're too young to give up on loving someone and consider if the situation were reversed. Would you want Tara to spend the rest of her life lonely, mourning you?"

"Tara with another girl? If I were dead?"

He just nods.

"I'd want her to be celibate the rest of her life. Maybe join a convent." The tiniest of grins comes to my face when I think how ridiculous it sounds out loud.

He tries not to chuckle. "You don't really mean that, do you?"

Darn tootin' I think with a grin. That's my first reaction anyway but the longer I sit there the more I realize that no, I wouldn't. Feeling this way, this ache…I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially Tara. And if the right girl did come along to offer her support, maybe someone to pick her up and dust her off…yeah, I would want her to move on.

"Well I wouldn't want her to forget about me," I said. In a quieter voice I add, "And I don't want to forget about her."

"She wouldn't. Not any more than you would her."

I think about it some more and start to nod. "Then yeah…Yeah I guess I would. She'd deserve to be happy and I guess if I wasn't the one around to make her happy then…Yeah I would want her to find somebody…Just as long as she wasn't prettier than me," I add with a grin. "I'm shallow alright?"

Giles doesn't hold back his laugh this time. He sighs and pats my hand. "It's good to see you coming around."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask him.

"You…As you might say you're getting 'Willowy' again. Little by little."

"Yeah well... It's odd, Giles. I know she's dead but somewhere in my mind I have this feeling I'm going to go home and she'll be there. Do you think that's odd?"

"I think it's totally logical. Just remember that the reality of her not being there will be painful. But that's okay. Baby steps after all."

"Oh yeah, I'm just full of baby steps," I tell him. Somehow my progress doesn't seem to be as speedy as I'd like.

"That's fine. No one's asking you to run a marathon."

"Nobody except the Watchers Council," I add sarcastically.

"They can sod off," Giles replies before taking a drink.

"Giles! Such language!" I say in mock shame. "How dare you speak so poorly of them? Especially after they bought me clothes and everything." He grins at my sarcasm.

"Told you everything had a price," he grinned.

"Well it's good to know my existence is worth a couple pairs of jeans and a few sweaters. I will admit however the leather bomber jacket is pretty cool but again…I'm not sure if it's worth my life."

"That's very optimistic of you. When you first got here your life wasn't worth living. I think you are making great strides Willow. Even if you don't see it."

"Maybe I am," I consider. "And I've been thinking a lot about what you've said. I've been going to the advanced classes. Listening to that little voice in my head like you said. Thinking about where I'm at, where I've been, where I'm going. I'm still clueless on most of it," I giggle before turning serious. "Nah…I'm getting there…Actually I was thinking…"

"About what?" he says as he gets up to rise off his empty plate.

"About what you said. About what my purpose was before Tara came along."

"Any ideas?"

"Yeah. Buffy."

"Buffy?"

I grin. "When I told Buffy I decided on Sunnydale U she could have done cartwheels. But then she realized what I would be 'throwing away'. She told me there were safer schools. Safer prisons actually," I chuckle as I remember the two of us lying on a blanket, talking about the future and our plans after graduation. The world was wide open to us back then. Funny how things changed in just a few short years.

"I told her that I wanted to help her fight the evil in the world. I wanted to be a Wiccan…And I think I still do Giles. I don't think that's changed. Well…the part about Buffy has changed. I don't think she wants me around and I don't blame her really."

"Maybe you should call her? Speak with her?"

"No," I answer quickly. "I just…I wouldn't know what to say. 'Sorry I kicked your ass and tried to kill you' just doesn't seem to work, ya know?"

"You have to speak to her at some point."

Why did Giles have to be so damn logical? It was pain in the ass sometimes.

"Yeah I know," I answer with a sigh. "Maybe after I get back to Sunnydale. If I am going to talk to her I'd like it to be face to face. She deserves that. Plus I have a better chance of getting my stuff out of her house before she gives me the boot."

"I don't think she'll do that."

"But you don't know that she won't, do you?"

Giles purses his lips. "Honestly I don't. She's asked about you when I've called over but…It's hard to say what she's really thinking. You've hurt her greatly but you have the chance at making amends."

"Well all I know is I'm not ready to see them. Any of them actually."

"Well keep up those baby steps. As you've said you will get there with time. There's no rush."

"Again…I mention the Council."

Giles grins. "This latest evil has them concerned. And they don't think the Slayer alone can handle it."

"Do I have to remind you too that the 'Slayer' has a name?"

"No," Giles grins. "I'm quite aware of it. Even lost my job because I had the 'love of a father' for her according the council. Thank god they didn't think it was another kind of love."

I chuckle and pick up my plate, taking it to the sink. "Don't worry about these," I tell him pointing at the dishes. "It won't be a long night and I'll do them when I get back."

"No arguments here," he answers.

"So are you gonna do it?"

"Do what?"

"Call your lady friend?"

He looks undecided.

"Oh come on! Do it! Do it!"

"You're really pushing this aren't you?"

"Yeah I am. You need a night out Giles. I'll be fine…So go. Have fun."

I look at my watch. It's 6 pm so I know I better start getting ready so I can catch the bus in time. He still looks unsure when I leave but after I start to change I can hear him on the phone and I grin. Guess he's not the only one who can give advice.

+++++

The bass is loud. The place is packed. And I'm starting to wonder if this was such a good idea. I wander through the crowd when I feel a tug on my arm.

"You made it!"

Althenea is beaming.

"Where's your friends?" I ask as I look around.

"What?" she says cocking an ear. It's so damn loud in here I know she won't be able to hear me. I nod back toward the bar and pull her along. It's a little quieter back here but not much.

"What did you say?" she asks again.

Our voices are still loud but at least we can be heard.

"I asked where your friends were."

"They're not my friends remember? But to answer your question, they left about 15 minutes ago. Said this place was dead even though we're elbow to elbow in here. I wanted to stay to see if you'd make it."

"I'm sorry," I apologize. "The transfer over here was running late."

"That's okay. Like I said, I really don't enjoy being with them anyway. I just thought it would be nice to get out."

The sound is already starting to get to me. "Well since it's just us, mind if we find a coffee shop or something a bit more quieter? I hate having to yell in your ear."

She nods and gives me a grin. She motions her head toward the exit and I follow her out.

The evening air is cool compared to the packed bar.

"Ahh," I say finally resting my eardrums as we walk along the street. "Much better."

"Not a party girl huh?"

"Not really. There's a club where I live. Called the Bronze. It's pretty cool and I like the music but it's not nearly as packed or as loud."

"There's a pub I know about. Some place none of the other girls will go."

"A dive bar?"

"A gay pub," she grins. "Wanna go. We can talk openly and actually talk instead of scream."

Gay for two years and never set foot in a gay bar. What the hell. "Okay, lead the way."

It's only a few blocks away. We walk inside and I'm relieved that she was right. Much quieter without the relentless bass ringing in my ears. A couple leave a pool table and Althenea asked if it's okay that we take over. She starts to rack the balls as a waitress comes over. She orders a gin and tonic and asks me what I'd like.

"Rum and Coke," I answer.

"You break," Althenea tells me.

I take off my jacket and rest it on a chair next to a nearby table as I pick out my stick from the wall. I'm actually pretty good at pool. It's got more to do with my physics knowledge than any actual skill.

"You're not gonna beat me too bad are you?" Althenea asked.

"I'll try to go easy on you," I tell her as I line up my shot.

I send the cue down the table at lightening speed, knocking in both a solid and strip.

"Call it," she says.

I check out the table. "Solids seem to be my best bet."

"Solids? You've got a stripe right by the pocket," she points.

"Yeah but I've got nowhere to go after I make the shot but if I do this," I say as I bounce the cue off the bumper sending a solid into the side pocket, "it lines me up for three more shots," I add as I point them out.

"Bloody Hell," she sighs. "You are good."

I give a small chuckle. "Nah just a major geek who likes physics, mathematics and a bunch of other boring stuff."

"That's not boring," Althenea replies. "Without people that understand that 'boring stuff' we'd all still be living in caves trying to create fire."

Xander's words from our beach trip come back to me and I have to smile. It was a great day…until I screwed it up with magic gone array, yet again. Sure I got the fire started for Xander but I didn't get the balance right and brought the rainstorm too. Up until that time it wa