Demons and Souls

by Sibling

Copyright © 2003

sibfanfic@verizon.net

Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Buffy & Co. belong to Hellgod Joss Whedon and his minions, Mutant Enemy, Fox Television, etc.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse http://mysticmuse.net
You can use it, but please let me know first.
Feedback: Much welcomed.
Spoilers: Season 6, up through Dead Things and Older and Far Away.
Author's Note: This is Porn-With-Plot (at least, a little bit).
Pairing: Buffy/Spike

1 – Spike Has a Visitor

Spike was in a terrible mood, and his head and face still ached from the beating the Slayer had given him the night before. He felt like Hell. And although he didn't have a mirror, and couldn't have seen himself in it if he did have one, he was pretty sure he looked like Hell, too.

He was sitting in front of the telly, watching something but not really paying attention to it, when he heard something.

He froze a moment, not quite believing his ears, then turned the sound down and listened.

Then he heard it again. Knock, knock, knock.

He was so surprised that he forgot to growl in pain as he got up to answer the door. For as long as he'd used the crypt as his home, everyone who'd ever come to see him had just opened the door and barged right in, usually as a prelude to beating him up or trying to bribe the latest demon gossip out of him. Even his Li'l Bit, who treated him more like a human being than anyone else he knew, never bothered to knock on his door before coming in.

When he opened the door, he was greeted by the back of someone's head, covered in blond hair, whose owner was nervously scanning the surrounding cemetery before turning back to the door. As he saw her face he gasped, "Tara?" The shy witch was the last person on Earth he expected to pay him a visit.

Tara took one look at the vampire she had come to visit, and blurted out "Good God, Spike, what happened to you?"

Too bemused to think up a grandiose tale of a loose Kampanak demon or a mob of rampaging vampires, he found himself shouting, "The bloody Slayer happened to me, that's what!" As Tara stared blankly at him, he waved his hand dismissively and muttered, "Never mind. Just tell me the stupid bird isn't in the clink over that soddin' accident."

Tara's eyes widened as she figured out what Spike was talking about. "Oh, no! It wasn't an accident! Um..." She faltered for a moment, then visibly tried to pull herself together and asked, "M-may I c-come in, please?"

Struck again by the non sequitur and her (un)common courtesy, he stood frozen in the doorway for a moment before stepping aside and gesturing for her to enter. "Come on in."

Tara walked through the door, peering about her in dazed horror and fascination. She still didn't believe she was really here, in Spike's crypt, and she hoped she would have the nerve to say what she had come here to say. As she looked around for a place to sit down that wasn't covered in dust, dirt, and God knows what else, Spike asked her, "Well? So what's with this 'not an accident' business?"

Still feeling nervous, she tried to answer, cursing inwardly as her old stutter came back to bedevil her. "Sh-she said that wh-when she heard that the d-dead g-g-girl had been identified as Warren's ex-g-girlfriend-"

"Warren? The geek who built the 'bots?" Spike interrupted, looking surprised and angry.

Tara nodded. "A-anyway, she figured that there had to be a co-connection, and that she'd been set up."

Spike cocked his head to the side. "When did all this happen? Sorry, luv, but nobody's been keeping me in the loop lately, since..." he broke off.

Tara could guess what he'd been about to say, and figuring this was as good an opening as any, she screwed up her nerve and finished his thought ". . . since B-buffy has been coming to you for s-s-s-sex, not help or advice."

Spike managed to turn even paler than usual, and she wondered idly if vampires could faint. She had to bite back hysterical laughter at the thought, then continued, not thinking about what she was saying in order to keep from stuttering again. "She told me. About you, and her. Not just the sex, but about the chip, too. She asked me to look into the spell that brought her back, and how she might have come back wrong. When I told her she wasn't wrong, she broke down and confessed everything...and then begged me not to forgive her," she quietly added, silently praying to every god and goddess she knew.

Spike just continued to look at her dumbly for a moment. Then he spoke slowly. "She begged you...not to forgive her?"

Tara sighed. She'd been hoping and praying that Spike would be more concerned about Buffy than curious about the state of her humanity. She could fill him in on the details of her magical research later, but if he was really concerned about Buffy, if he really loved her enough to do the right thing for her. . .

Everything she'd been waiting to say came pouring out at once. "Spike, she's falling apart. She's using the sex like a drug, trying to make the pain go away, but she's only feeling it more afterwards." She took a deep breath. "She's wasting away. Not physically, but emotionally, spiritually. If she doesn't get help soon, there won't be anything left of her:"

One more breath.

"Spike, I need your help to save her."

At this point, Spike's mind was reeling. None of what he'd heard made any sense. Buffy, falling apart? His Slayer, wasting away? Then, all the pieces began to fit together in his head, and he squeezed his eyes shut in grief as he realized what he'd done to his lover. He'd thought Buffy was stronger than this. It was her strength that he'd been attracted to in the first place, and he'd assumed that she'd managed to put herself back together in the past few months since her resurrection.

Yeah, he'd taken a few verbal jabs at her, but he was just waiting for her to start returning in kind; to him, bantering with the blonde Slayer was almost as fun as fighting her – or shagging her. But if what Tara was saying was correct, Buffy had probably been taking all his jibes to heart. She was on a downward spiral...and he'd been greasing the wheels for her.

All at once, a voice came to him from out of the past. To kill this girl, you've gotta love her. "Goddamn you, Angelus," he whispered. "Why did you have to be right for once?"

When he looked back up at Tara, his eyes were shining with tears. "Whatever you need, luv, you've got it. Just tell me what I can do."

2 – History Lessons

Spike quickly found out, however, that Tara hadn't had time to think out her plans clearly, beyond getting him involved.

"No, no, no, Tara! Absolutely not!" he exclaimed at one point.

"But I thought you cared about her! If you aren't willing to give up having sex with her-"

"It's not like that, ducks. I may be an evil, lustful demon, but I'd wear a soddin' chastity belt if I thought it would help. Well, maybe for a little while, at least," he added hastily. "But you're not thinking about Buffy's history. If I don't mean anything to her, if I'm nothing but her sex toy," he couldn't help but grimace at the thought, "then fine, I could cut her off with no problems. But if she has any feelings for me at all, pulling away from her would be the worst thing I could do. She's got real problems with the people she loves leavin' her, especially men."

Tara's brow wrinkled a bit. "Because of her father, Riley, and Giles?"

Spike snorted. "Don't forget ol' Tall, Dark, and Stupid." At Tara's blank look, he clarified. "Angel."

Tara frowned. "Oh. Willow told me a bit about Angel before she went to L.A last summer, but I never got the whole story. We were all kind of...out of it at the time," she added ruefully.

Spike cocked his head in amazement at her. "So no one ever told you the whole bleedin' soap opera? Well, I'm not exactly the best one to tell this tale, 'cause I wasn't here for the whole thing, and between adoring Buffy and hatin' Angel's guts I'm not really neutral here, but I suppose I can give you the highlights. I gather it started almost as soon as Buffy arrived here in Sunnyhell..."

Tara listened in amazement as Spike laid out the whole tragic tale. Angel. The Master. Darla. The gypsies' curse. When she heard how the curse had been broken, and what Angelus had done to Buffy in the following weeks, she felt her eyes begin to tear. She knew what it was like to have someone she loved hurt her, but what Spike was describing to her was appalling. The things her family and Willow had done to her had hurt her deeply, but they were just stupid, ignorant, shortsighted, human things. The deliberate, systematic torture that Angelus had put Buffy through made her feel nauseous.

Spike seemed to notice the green look on her face, and stopped his narrative for the moment. "I know what you're thinking, luv, and believe it or not, I felt the same way even then."

This really confused Tara. "But I thought you hated Buffy at the time."

"Of course I hated her. She was the bane of my bloody existence at the time! Still is, in some ways..." he muttered.

He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, occasionally puffing on it or gesturing with it as he continued. "But even under all the hate I respected her. Remember that I'd fought two Slayers before, and they were real good, but I still managed to kill 'em both. And no one else I'd ever fought had even came close to those two.

"But Buffy..." A smile came to Spike's face as he broke off a moment, then continued, "Buffy was the best damn fighter I'd ever met. Quick, resourceful, willing to banter a bit between fisticuffs...It was glorious. It was a goddamn dream come true." He seemed to shake himself a bit, and took another puff of tobacco smoke. "Sure, I wanted to kill her, but what I really wanted to do was beat her, hopefully in an all-out brawl that would last a whole night."

"So it was all about...competition?"

"Of course it was about competition! It was about bein' the best. About beatin' the best! Angelus could have his mind-games and his torture, he always considered himself the Soddin' Great Artist of Pain and Death. What a crock!" He laughed. "Angelus never took any risks, never got into a fight he didn't know he could win. At least, not until Buffy got under his skin..." He chuckled a moment before continuing his story.

Tara didn't think it could've gotten any worse but it did. Acathla. The restoration of Angel's soul. And then...

"God," she whispered. "How did she do it? How could she...?" She couldn't even say the words. She looked up and Spike and simply asked, "How did she survive it?"

"She damn near didn't, from what I hear. She completely fell apart, ran away from home, and tried to give up bein' the Slayer. You'd have to ask Red or the Bit about that, I was too busy getting my own butt out of town at the time, with Drusilla on my back both literally and figuratively. I only know about the end of the fight because Dru had a vision about it, and I managed to piece it together from her crazy ramblings and the fact that the whole world hadn't gone to Hell."

Spike sped up his narrative a bit, explaining, "I only came back when Dru started carryin' on with other demons behind my back, or rather, in front of my face. I don't know how Angel got back from Hell, or what went on between the two of them for most of that year. All I know is that after this huge fight where they fought a giant snake-demon and blew up the high school – God, I wish I coulda seen that one! – the Great Pouf proved once and for all what a bloody flamin' stupid git he is, by breaking up with Buffy and shufflin' off to L.A. Threw away the best thing he ever had, and broke her heart at the same time."

Tara digested this for a moment, then slowly sighed. "I see what you mean about Buffy's problem. If she thinks you're going to leave her, she'll probably go into a panic. But you two can't go on like this. She's got sex and guilt and self-punishment all mixed up in her head, and it's only going to get worse. If you ever want to..." she couldn't believe she was saying this to Spike, of all people, "If you ever want to have a real relationship with her, you have to start fixing things now."

Spike took one last puff on his cigarette, then threw it on the floor and stamped it out. "I can try...doin' other things with 'er, but it'll be hard, in more ways than one. Ever since our little musical adventure, whenever she sees me, she beats me up and tells me how disgusting I am," here he pointed to his black-and-blue face, "or she throws me up against the wall and tries to climb down my throat. Or both."

Tara couldn't help blushing at the image Spike's words brought to mind, but her thoughts were interrupted as Spike continued. "But it's more than just her. I'm just as out of control as she is, these days. I've loved her – well, I've admitted to myself that I've loved her – for over a year now. That was bad enough, when she just hated my guts. But ever since we've been together...when I'm around her...when I'm with her.... I feel alive again. But she drives me so crazy, I don't know sometimes whether I want to bite her or shag her senseless! We're like..." he picked up his lighter, ". . . like flint and steel. When we rub together," he says as he flicks the lighter, "sparks fly."

Tara thought about this a moment, then said, "Maybe I need to see the two of you get together."

"WOT!?"

Tara suddenly blushed and giggled as she realized how that had sounded. "No, not like that! I mean I need to see your auras, what happens to them when you touch one another. Maybe that will give me a clue as to what's going on." She muttered half to herself, "I wish I'd thought of this before, when I was with her. Now she's cried herself to sleep, and I'm going to be busy with classes for a couple of days...Maybe at Buffy's birthday party, I can check her aura out, both when she's alone and when she's with you."

Spike looked doubtful. "I don't know about all this aura stuff. How reliable is it anyway?"

Tara brightened. "Oh, if you can see someone's aura, you can tell all kinds of things about them! That's how I knew that Faith had switched places with Buffy when I first 'met' her."

Spike stared at Tara, not quite believing his ears. "When did this happen?" Then he remembered a certain night when Xander and Giles had warned him about a rogue Slayer, and a certain bizarre encounter with Buffy at the Bronze, and he laughed. "No, wait, let me guess. It was right after Buffy's first dust-up with Adam, when he tried to turn Soldier Boy into shish kabob."

Tara wrinkled her nose at that, but nodded.

Spike chuckled. "So that's what was goin' on that night! I just figured she was drunk – Buffy could never hold her liquor – and feelin' all frustrated since she couldn't see her little tin soldier." He nodded to himself. So that had been Faith. Idly wishing for a moment that he'd had the opportunity to show her what happens to bad little Slayers who tease vampires, he continued, "And you were able to tell that from Buffy's aura?"

Tara nodded, and filled him in on a few of the details. "Naturally, we weren't telling you what was going on, since you were evil then."

"I still am, luv, I still am," Spike chuckled. "But there's evil, and then there's evil. Truth be told, even with all the hell I've had over the past couple years, I've had as much fun fightin' alongside Buffy as fightin' with Buffy. As for the rest of you Scoobies, Droopy and I will never get along, and I know Demongirl can't stand me, but you an' Red treat me like a person instead of a thing...and you know I adore the Li'l Bit."

That last comment made Tara frown, and think some more. "Until lately, I would've said that the best way to make things better with Buffy would be to get Dawn on your side, but the two of them don't seem to be getting along very well."

Spike waved that off. "Of course they're not getting along, they're sisters. As much as they love each other, they've always gotten on each others' nerves."

Tara shook her head. "No, it's more than that. I can't put my finger on it, but something's up with them." She suddenly found herself yawning.

Spike stood up. "Let me walk you back to your place. You don't look very alert right now, and I can't afford to let one of my few friends get eaten right now."

Tara smiled. Ever since he'd done her the strange favor of hitting her in the nose, she'd gone out of her way to pay more attention to the blond vampire and the things he did. She'd been surprised to find that underneath the rough-and-tough "I'm an evil demon" exterior was a complex, intelligent, even compassionate person. He didn't seem to have much regard for humanity as a whole, but he was a loyal friend and a powerful ally. Spike wasn't exactly a shining example of humanity...but she'd known human beings who were less human than he was.

And she found that she really liked it when he called her his friend. "Thanks Spike. I'd like that."

The two walked to Tara's apartment, and agreed that they would think things over, and try to brainstorm a bit at Buffy's birthday party.

3 – Party Games and Fireworks

Willow had slipped up by mentioning Buffy's birthday party to Spike. Of course, she had made one of her patented "Oops, is that my foot in my mouth?" faces, and tried to pretend that nothing had happened. They both knew that Buffy didn't want him showing up at her house under any circumstances, much less on a happy occasion. Still, now he could honestly tell Buffy that he'd heard about the party from someone other than Tara.

He still wasn't completely sure that going to Buffy's party was the best idea in the world. All the things that went bump in the night seemed to get extra frisky right around January 19th, and he was somehow sure that this year would be no exception. Still, it might be good for a laugh. He could still cadge free beers by telling the story of Rupert Giles, the tweed-clad, nose-glued-to-a-book Watcher, being turned into a grunting, muscle-bound Fyarl demon by Ethan Rayne. By the time he ended that story, a whole pub full of demons and vampires was usually rolling on the floor with laughter...which often made it easier to make off with certain small valuables.

Bringing Clem with him, though...that had been a stroke of genius. The wrinkly-skinned Nablith was one of Spike's few demon acquaintances who didn't resent his current alliance with the Slayer. Nabliths were a relatively quiet species who kept to themselves and didn't usually attract the attention of human do-gooders like Buffy. Their inhuman appearance (and their dietary requirements) kept them restricted pretty much to demon society, but given a chance, they could act more like a human than some vampires...or Anya, for that matter, he thought with a grin.

And Buffy still had that Watchers' Council-instilled mindset, "demons = evil". If he could get her to accept that a demon could be a decent person – well, being, at any rate – maybe he could convince her a demon could love, too.

And then all his fine plans went right out of his head, as soon as he walked into the kitchen.

It figured. The Scoobies were trying to set Buffy up with a nice, normal guy. From the general aura of loser-ness around him, he was probably one of Xander's friends. Granted, he didn't seem to have a stick up his arse like Captain Cardboard, but please! This wanker was dumber than Angel and Riley put together! And he looked like a puppy dog, sniffing around the Slayer like he didn't know whether to shake her hand, lick her face, or pee on her leg.

But she was paying attention to him, like he was a man and not a walking meatball sandwich!

Then Tara had to stick her two cents in, pretending to ask him and Clem about Dick – er, Richard – being "cute." Spike wanted to puke. When Clem said, "I thought he was cute," it was all Spike could do to keep from kicking his elephantiatic butt out the door. Instead, he glared over at Tara.

Then he smiled wickedly. "He's not the only cute one, ducks. You're looking very fetching this evening. And is that a new frock I see?" He looked the young witch up and down appreciatively, grinning at her embarrassed blush, and picked up a paper cup from the table. "I'll bet you anything Little Red's all dolled up as well, and just waiting for you to bring her some punch." He handed her the cup, and snorted when she almost dropped it. Then he made a deliberate effort to make his smile more friendly and less predatory. "I was playing this game a century before you were even born, Glinda. Don't even go there."

But although Tara beat a hasty retreat into the next room, Spike was sure he'd seen a glimmer of challenge in the witch's eyes before she left. Oh well, he thought, if she wants to play with the nasty fire, she can't complain if her fingers get a little toasted. Then he put his arm around Clem and led him into the Summers' living room. He couldn't wait to see the Whelp's face when Clem asked for anchovies and inchworms on his pizza.

Tara was enjoying the party immensely. She still got that nervous, fluttery feeling in her stomach whenever she found herself face-to-face with Willow, but it felt surprisingly comfortable being back together with the rest of the Scoobies, and she realized that she'd missed all of them terribly. And then, of all things, Anya had made a perfunctory compliment about Tara's necklace, and then calmly stated that everyone thought that the Scooby meetings at the Magic Box weren't the same without her. For Anya, that probably counts as CIA-class subtlety, Tara thought, but it was nice to know that she'd been missed.

Then Spike caught her eye, and nodded his head toward the hallway where Buffy was standing. She got the message immediately: he was going to make contact with Buffy, and she was supposed to check out Buffy's aura. She took a deep breath, and opened herself to the Sight.

It was a bit dizzying, seeing all the energy dancing around the room. Auras flowed and curled around each other, their owners' emotions driving them into ever-changing patterns. Dawn's bright, happy emerald green flickered along the edges of Xander's warm brown as they talked about some movie they had seen. Willow's strawberry red, somewhat dimmer than Tara remembered it, glowed like embers in a fireplace as she engaged Spike's friend in a conversation about his people. Clem's aura, surprisingly, was not the blood red or night-black of most demons, but olive-green, with swirls of the same earthy tones as Xander's. She made a mental note to ask Spike about him later.

Spike, she thought. Gotta keep my mind on business. She followed the vampire, whose aura was bright red with tinges of violet, toward the entrance to the hallway. There she tried to remain unobserved while Spike approached his reluctant lover.

When Willow had told Tara about Buffy two years ago, she been very frightened at the prospect of meeting her. She had still thought she was part-demon at the time, and her books had described Slayers as focused, fanatical demon killers. But trusting Willow's glowing descriptions over dusty tomes, she had resolved to meet the current Slayer, and to her surprise she had found herself instantly drawn to Buffy's bravery and compassion. Her aura had matched her personality, enveloping the petite blonde like a bright gold corona.

As she peered into the hallway, Tara could see, to her dismay, that the energy surrounding Buffy had faded to a sullen orange, barely flickering above the surface of her skin. As Spike approached, though, it began growing bigger and brighter as it stretched toward the vampire, like a furnace being stoked. And when they touched-

She had been expecting something to happen, but nothing had prepared her for the sudden bright flare that filled the hallway. Buffy's and Spike's auras merged, swelled to several times their size, and then flashed through several rainbow hues before settling into a rosy gold that surrounded the couple in a warm glow, reminding Tara of postcards with romantic couples walking along a beach at sunset.

Unfortunately, Spike was ruining the picture by guiding Buffy's trembling hand along his denim pant leg. Having seen more than enough, Tara cleared her throat, and the two hastily pulled apart.

Their auras began sputtering their way back towards their normal configurations as soon as they broke contact. Buffy hurried off, but to Tara's surprise, Spike just stood there, looking like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. And then he made some lame excuse about Buffy helping him with a cramp!

"A cramp?" she asked, arching one eyebrow. "In your pants?"

"It's a thing!" Spike snapped. Tara had to smother a chuckle as she headed for the empty dining room to digest what she had seen. She was not going to let him forget that anytime soon.

I don't believe I let that crystal-gazer get the better of me earlier, Spike thought. Plays a pretty good game of poker, though.

As it got towards what some of his human friends called "oh-late-hundred," those party guests who remained awake had settled into two groups playing games: Buffy, Dawn, Anya, and the Git – Spike refused to even think his name – played Monopoly while Clem, Xander, Tara, and himself played poker. He'd expected to be splitting all the money with his demon companion in no time, but Tara proved to be pretty good at keeping a poker face, and even Xander had managed to bluff him a couple of times.

But in the long run, no one does deadpan better than the dead. Spike began collecting pots slowly but steadily, and his mood began improving. This night's take would keep him in blood and smokes for a week or two.

His good mood didn't last long, though. When the Puppy suggested calling it a night, and Dawn brightly suggested a sleepover, he let himself make a naughty comment to Buffy, just to see her beautiful face flush...only to be tagged again by Tara about that stupid cramp remark!

Even worse, he was pretty much unable to return fire at the time, since Willow had done her usual early face-down crash. The recovering witch was many things, but a night owl was not one of them. So he pushed a bill over to Tara's pile, silently adding One point for you, girl. But the game's not over yet.

By morning, though, teasing Tara was the last thing on his mind.

By the time the vengeance demon that Anya called Halfrek showed up, Buffy's mind was reeling from everything that had been going on at her party.

Just for once, can't I have a birthday that isn't a red-letter day on the Hellmouth calendar? she said to herself. And do you want some cheese to go with that whine? another part of her brain answered. It had all happened before, and she was sure it would happen again. She should just get used to associating major trauma with getting older.

But even so, she was really wigged when, as Halfrek seemed to recognize Spike, she had had a vision. As she called him "William," she could have sworn she saw another face appear over the demonic visage. A human woman's face, with the dark, curly hair gathered up on top of her head.

Then she blinked, and the vision – Hallucination? Maybe brought on by stress and lack of sleep? – was gone.

As Spike walked out the Summers' door into the night air, he breathed a sigh of relief. Then he snuck a peek back at the Slayer and her sister, and felt a smile appear as Buffy shut herself in, obviously ready to work things out with Dawn. He was happy for the Slayer and the Niblet, who had impressed even him with the amount of stuff she had nicked.

Then he had an idea. Maybe he could convince Buffy to put all that youthful energy and dexterity to work on self-defense training. Buffy knew better than to think a teenage girl was going to stay in all the time – she herself had been ample proof of that. Dawn was going to get out by herself sooner or later, so she might as well be able to take care of herself. And nothing settled Buffy down like a good sparring session. Maybe...

Then he saw the two witches in front of him, walking side-by-side and obliviously looking up at the stars, and he smiled wickedly. Pretending not to see them, he strolled past them and elbowed Willow just hard enough to send her careening into Tara.

Tara automatically caught Willow as she stumbled, and before she knew it she was lost in her sea-green gaze.

They stood there, staring into each other's eyes, for a long minute. Then they found themselves embracing, and Tara felt Willow weeping into her shoulder.

"I miss you so much," the redhead babbled. "I know that I hurt you, and I can't make it up to you, but without you I feel like I'm half-dead inside. I feel like I know what Buffy lost, when we pulled her out of Heaven, like this wonderful, beautiful thing was ripped away from me, only it's worse, 'cause I know it's my own fault that I lost it, and I don't know what I'm going to do without you..."

Tara bit her lip as her own eyes filled with tears. She wasn't ready to resume a full-time relationship with Willow, and vice-versa, and they both knew it. But still...She had seen that Willow was trying desperately to turn herself around. And, as angry and hurt as she had been at Willow – as she still was, sometimes – it hurt her just as much to see her in pain and to not do something to help her. And so she had stood up for Willow when Anya and Xander were trying to make her use her magic again. She had stood up for Willow...the way that Willow had stood up for her, last year, when Tara had cast a spell that went dreadfully wrong.

Tara realized that she had an opportunity now. If she let it go, she didn't know when, or if, another one would come along.

She stroked Willow's hair, and murmured to her softly until she stopped crying, and then she said, "Will? W-w-would you l-like to g-g-go somewhere and.... talk?"

And she felt herself break out in a huge smile as Willow looked up at her and said, "I'd love to."

Spike, having watched all this from a distance, grinned to himself as he went off to see what other mischief he could get into on this fine night.

4 – Capturing the Moment

When Buffy left the Sunnydale Doublemeat Palace she was worn-out, both physically and mentally. She'd had to do a lot of fast talking to explain why she hadn't shown up for work the previous day, without even a phone call to explain her absence. (Sophie hadn't needed to do the same kind of fancy footwork, since the day she'd been stuck in Buffy's house was her day off. Which was bad for her stress level, but good for her employment level.) Luckily, her boss still seemed more worried about Buffy spilling the beans about the Doublemeat Medley than about a single absence. Especially when Buffy had promised to make up the time, not only to the restaurant, but also to the person who'd had to cover her shift.

But that was not going to be tonight. She'd promised Dawn couple nights' worth of quality sisterhood time. Dawn had also made her pinkie-swear – she couldn't believe her sister had fallen back on that old little-girl ritual – to work out a patrolling schedule with the Scoobies where they would cover for her a couple nights a week. She wasn't quite sure how that would work out yet, but she was sure that she needed that time as much as Dawn did.

She walked up the sidewalk to her home, and put on her "Dawnie, I'm home!" smile as she climbed the steps to the front porch...and then she noticed two things.

One: there was a package on the porch next to the front door; probably left there by the mailman when it wouldn't fit in the box.

Two: there were no lights on in the house, and Dawn hadn't taken the package into the house...so she wasn't home yet.

Biting her lip, Buffy hastily grabbed the package, unlocked the door and ran to the kitchen. There was a message waiting on the answering machine. She pressed the button, and was relieved to hear her sister's voice.

"Hi Buffy, it's Dawn. I'm sorry, but gonna be late tonight, 'cause I forgot that I missed some tests yesterday, while I was sick, and they say I have to make 'em up today, or else they can't hand the corrected tests back on Monday. And I need to stop at the Library to pick out a book for a report that's due next week. But I promise that I'll be home by five-thirty, even if I end up having to borrow one of your boring books for the report! Bye!"

Buffy couldn't help smiling as the message ended. Dawn must've made that call in front of teachers, or else she wouldn't have mentioned the "being sick" cover story they'd come up with for her absence the previous day. They'd agreed that in exchange for Buffy writing an excuse for Dawn today, there'd be no more problems at school. She wasn't sure how long it would last – only about half of her own skipped classes in high school could be written off to Slayer duties – but she knew that Dawn would at least try to do better. She'd made Dawn pinkie-swear to that!

She looked up at the clock. 4:40 or so. That gave her plenty of time to change out of what she'd started to call her "Palace Guard Uniform," and see what the package was. She looked down, and froze.

The package had no return address, but it didn't need one. She could recognize the way Angel wrote her name instantly.

She grit her teeth, took a deep breath, and then carried the package into the living room, where she set it on the coffee table before settling onto the couch. She stared at it for a full minute before resolving to open it before Dawn got home. Although her younger sister had disliked Riley as much as Xander had liked him – and vice versa when it came to Spike, she found herself thinking – they both agreed completely when it came to her first boyfriend: Deadboy was Bad News.

She carefully opened the box, and found, surprisingly, two separate wrapped packages inside it. They were long tubes, one wrapped in blue, the other in green. There was also a card, which she opened first.

It was a typical Angel card, one of those lovely artsy cards that left you torn between wanting to frame it and wanting to tuck it safely away in an album of mementos. Angel never got her funny cards, like Xander and Willow did, but she had kept every single one she'd ever gotten from him.

Inside the card there was a folded letter, and she opened it nervously. If Angel had more to say than would fit on the inside of a card...

She frowned a bit, then shrugged and opened the blue-wrapped tube. Inside was a rolled piece of paper. Beginning to guess what she would find, she gently tapped it out of the tube, and gasped in wonder as she spread it out on the coffee table.

It was a portrait of her.

She couldn't tell whether he'd done it from memory or from an old picture, but she could tell the era instantly. Junior Year at Sunnydale High, pre-Angelus. She looked happy, hopeful...She hated to sound vain, but she looked beautiful, in a naïve, innocent kind of way. She looked back at the letter.

This was starting to worry her. When Angel did his Cryptic Guy routine, she always knew she wouldn't like what he had to say. But her curiosity was now piqued. She opened the green-wrapped tube, and, just like before, found a rolled paper inside.

The portrait on this paper was shockingly different. The style was coarse, even harsh. The first picture had been delicately colored, but this was in stark black-and-white. And the girl in the picture? She was tired, thin, and frail-looking. Drained of life and hope and courage. There were tears streaming down her pale cheeks, and her mouth was half-open, as if she needed to say something but couldn't find the words to say it.

It was Faith.

As Buffy gazed at the picture before her, she tried to summon up the will to feel anger and hatred at the sight of the rogue Slayer. But this was a Faith she'd never seen before. A Faith with every guard torn away, every wall broken down. Even when she was lying in a coma, Faith had never looked this...broken.

Tearing her eyes away from the portrait, she caught her breath and returned to the letter.

Buffy nearly dropped the letter in confusion. Faith had tried to kill her on more than one occasion. Was it even possible that she had reacted like this to her longtime rival's death? She made herself read on.

Buffy tried to read the rest of Angel's letter, but her eyes were too blurred by tears to make out the rest of the words. She was still weeping when Dawn – and Spike, who'd walked his Niblet home from the Library – came home.

5 – Auras, Sorrow, and Guilt

Tara lay on her bed in her dorm room, looking through every bit of information on auras – and what could change them – that she could find. But the more she looked, the more frustrated she got. There was just no explanation for all the things she had seen at Buffy's party.

Auras could wax and wane somewhat, when affected by strong emotions, or when the person went though major life changes, as Willow's apparently had when she gave up magic. But the degree of change was usually pretty small. Likewise, strong emotions would cause flashes of different colors to appear, but a fundamental color change was extremely rare, since the dominant color of an aura was a reflection of someone's basic personality, not just their feelings of the moment.

The plain fact that Buffy's aura had changed so much confused her, and – she had to admit to herself – it frightened her. After all her research on the resurrection spell, after she had promised Buffy that she was fine...could she have been wrong? Had something terrible happened to Buffy when they brought her back, something that had somehow changed her fundamental nature?

As for what she had seen when Spike and Buffy touched...two people's auras might intertwine and even mingle a little, but it should have been completely impossible for two auras to merge into one. Not even identical twins were so much alike that-

The phone ringing interrupted her reverie. "Hello?"

"Tara, it's Spike. I need your help, or, rather, the Slayer does."

"Buffy? What's wrong with her?" She sat up in alarm.

"Luv, I haven't got the slightest. Dawn and I got here a little bit ago, and found her crying herself sick. She hasn't said what 's wrong, she's just been crying, or babbling to Dawn that she forgives her for the wish, for stealing all that stuff from the stores...for every bleedin' thing she's ever done!

"Anyway, I went to get her a drink – to calm her down, of course – and all I could get her was a glass of water! After that marathon party, Buffy hasn't got a thing to drink or eat in the entire house – I think Clem even ate the pancake mix, right out of the box!

"So Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard is bare, neither one of the girls is up to going out, and I don't want to leave them alone..."

"All right, Spike, I get the picture. You just stay right there. I'll get some take-out and come right over." Then she thought of something, and wished she hadn't. "Umm, wh-what about you? D-do you n-need anything?"

She heard Spike chuckle wickedly. "Well, you could pick me up a bag of O positive from my crypt--" Tara's stomach started to tie itself in knots as she thought of going there, by herself, at night, "--but I don't think that little detour's necessary. I can eat regular food. Can't live on it, but it'll take the edge off. And since coming to the States I've developed a real taste for Buffalo wings. The spicier, the better."

Tara grinned briefly. Spike eating regular food? Buffalo wings? That was just so weird, she had to see it for herself. "Okay. I know a place where I can get wings for you, and other stuff for the rest of us."

"You can get what you like for yourself, witchy woman, and for the Slayer – just don't get her a hamburger, or she'll brain you for sure – but the Bit likes wings, and she likes 'em just like I do, extra spicy. 'Course, she has to have extra blue cheese sauce too, havin' human taste buds..."

Tara could adjust to all kinds of things if she tried – vampires with chips in their heads who ate chicken wings, girls who magically appeared at the age of 14 and hung out with vampires with chips in their heads who...etc. The idea of eating blue cheese, however, was still totally alien to her. "If she'll eat it, fine, Spike. But she'd better eat some salad, too. Just hold on, and I'll be there as quick as I can."

She was about to hang up when she thought of one more thing. It was a bit risky, and it was based on pure guesswork, but if what she had seen last night was real, and not just her Sight gone haywire..."One more thing, Spike...?"

"Yeah?" she heard him ask, warily.

"Go be with Buffy. Touch her. Don't pester her to talk about what's happened...and for God's sake keep your hormones under control! Just be there for her. I think...I think it'll be good for her."

There was a long silence at the other end. Then a long sigh. "All right, luv, I'll do my best. I just hope you're right. When the Slayer's upset, she can be real nasty, and I won't be able to enjoy those wings if she decides to feed me a nice thick stake first."

Tara said goodbye and hung up, then grabbed her purse and jacket and rushed out the door.

Spike took a swig from his flask. He still remembered the night, almost a year ago, when he'd come to the Slayer's house to kill her, and wound up trying to comfort her instead, as she sat weeping on her back porch. He'd known that she hadn't really wanted his comfort, and he'd felt stupid just sitting there with her, or patting her on the back, but he'd found it impossible to just walk away.

Eventually Buffy had simply gotten up and gone in the house, without saying a word to him. And she'd never mentioned that night since then. He wondered if she even remembered that he'd been there. He also wondered if he was going to be able to help her this time around.

Tucking his flask back into his pocket, he made his way to the living room. The scene on the couch was pretty much as he had left it. Buffy was still caught between sobbing and babbling to Dawn, who was trying to comfort Buffy, but also getting confused and frightened by her older sister's behavior.

Finally, Spike noticed the boxes and papers lying discarded on the coffee table. He was sure they hadn't been there last night when the party had finally broken up. Being careful not to disturb the Summers sisters, he glanced through them. It took him only moments to scan the letter and take in the two portraits.

Goddamn my bloody stinkin' Sire! Shoulda figured he'd be involved in this!

He took a deep breath – he didn't need to breathe, but the age-old human instinct was still there, and it did help him focus his thoughts – and forced his anger down. He'd deal with the Guilt Fairy another time.

Then he crept up behind Dawn, and whispered to her, "Niblet, please? Let me in? Maybe I can help." And he silently prayed – to anything that would listen to a vampire – that Tara was right.

Dawn bit her lip, and looked back at her sometime protector. She wanted to be the one to help her sister, who'd been there so many times for her...but she felt so frustrated. Why wouldn't Buffy stop crying?

As she looked helplessly at Spike, she thought ruefully that maybe it would be a relief to let one of the "grownups" take over...as long as he didn't try to shut her out.

She nodded, and whispered, "Okay." She gently shifted Buffy's shoulder a little to let Spike slide in behind her. And soon it was Spike who was gently embracing the petite blonde and murmuring in her ear. Dawn had moved over to Buffy's other side, and was stroking her hair.

She couldn't hear what Spike was saying to her sister – or even if he was saying anything at all – but it seemed to be working. Buffy finally stopped crying, and after a minute or two, she accepted the glass of water from Dawn and took a sip. Then, as she looked at Dawn, she seemed to realize that someone else was holding her. She turned suddenly, and came face-to-face with the vampire. "S-s-s-spike?" she hiccuped. "What are you doing here?"

Dawn saw Spike start to get that...wounded look that only Buffy could inspire in him. And she knew that in a moment, he would say something nasty and defensive that would ruin all the good he'd just done. So she answered for him.

"He walked me home from the Library." And as Buffy opened her mouth, she added, "And he was going to leave us to our happy little sisterhood-bonding night until he saw what a mess you were. He got you that glass of water you're holding, I think I heard him calling someone about food, and he was able to calm you down, when I couldn't even get you to talk to me straight! So don't go all Slayerful on him and thank him, for Pete's sake!"

The stunned look on Buffy's face was priceless.

To describe Buffy's emotional state at this time as "confused" would have been the understatement of the century. She was still trying to deal with the thought of Faith wanting her forgiveness, Faith being sorry that Buffy had died...and herself being sorry that Faith had died. It was all too much for her to handle.

And now she was being comforted by Spike, who was the closest thing she had to an archenemy. (At that thought, she added a brief mental Ppffft! to Warren, who was only her arch-hemorrhoid.) She was being comforted by Spike, who had tried to kill her so many times...

And who had saved her life, and Dawn's, so many times...

She mentally gritted her teeth and reminded herself of all the times Spike had taunted her, and humiliated her, and hurt her.

But he was here now, as he had been so many times since she had been brought back, comforting her, caring for her...loving her? Was it really possible?

Dawn watched in alarm as Buffy looked up at Spike. She had that look in her eyes, the one that said she was having one of her Moments. Dawn didn't think she was going to like this, and she was sure that Spike wouldn't.

"Spike?" Buffy asked, in a surprisingly calm voice. "I'm going to ask you a question. And for once, just for once, I want a straight answer from you. No jokes, no put-offs, no sarcasm.

"Are you sorry for anything you've ever done?"

Dawn blinked. This was the last thing she expected to hear from Buffy. Buffy always saying, "Vampires don't have souls, they don't feel anything real." And that always went double for Spike, even after all he'd done.

But she began to feel a little gleam of hope, down at the bottom of her heart. She'd talked to Spike more than anyone else had during that horrible summer when Buffy was...not there. And she'd really listened to him. She knew what she hoped he'd say...what he'd probably been aching to say to Buffy since she'd been back.

Spike looked right back into Buffy's eyes. And slowly nodded.

"I'm sorry...that I failed you, and the Bit, that night on the tower. You asked me to do something for you, and I let you down. I might've done a lot of awful things to you, in the past...but that was the worst."

He stopped speaking, but Buffy just stared at him, clearly expecting more. Spike sighed, then looked over Buffy's shoulder at Dawn "Bit, I'm sorry that when I helped you break into the Magic Box, I didn't follow you back to the house. I heard about what you did afterwards," he glanced at Buffy, "and even if I couldn't have made you finding out about being the Key any easier, I could've made sure you didn't hurt yourself, or run into any crazy Hellgods while you were still upset."

And..." he was clearly trying to think now. He looked back at Buffy. "I'm sorry about the night I chained you up and threatened to sic Dru on you. Although," he added pointedly, "I think you should remember that I didn't do it, even when you practically spat in my face!"

He stopped, and Dawn thought she heard him growl, deep in his chest, but then he continued.

"I can come up with a whole list if you like, pet, but basically I'm sorry for every rotten thing I've ever done to you, or Dawn."

Buffy stared at him, and then cocked her head to one side, a gesture – Dawn realized with a shock – that she had taken from Spike. "Anything else? What about what you've done to my friends, to Xander, and Willow...and Tara?"

Dawn blinked at the mention of Tara's name – she liked Tara a whole lot, and she knew Buffy considered her a friend, but when had Buffy added her to the "short list" that had just been "Xander and Willow" for so long?

Spike pressed his lips together into a thin line. Then he answered, slowly, "Xander and I have a nice, comfortable, mutual hatred. I haven't done or said anything to him that he hasn't returned, or at least tried to, with interest.

"Red...well, she's another story. I don't think she likes me...but she doesn't hate me. She's the only one I know who never bears a grudge. And she convinced you all to keep me from staking myself, when all I wanted to do was give up. So yeah, I guess I'm sorry for the time I kidnapped her...and for the couple of times I tried to bite her.

"As for Tara, I've never done anything to her. Except for that time that I punched her in the nose, and as I recall, that was a good thing."

Spike waited for Buffy to reply. He was holding onto his temper, but just barely. He hoped Buffy would just let this go.

She didn't. "You talk about regret like it's something you owe only to the people you know, and like," she said. "What about all the people you've killed over the years? Do they mean nothing to you?"

Now Spike got angry. "Is it really all that different for you? What about all the vampires you've slain over the years?"

"They were evil," Buffy said defensively.

"Evil? Ha! Your average minion is too stupid to be evil! They don't know anything except hunger. They're not even smart enough to run away when they see you stake a couple of their pals.

"But if you want to make evil the issue, fine! Forget about all those nameless, faceless dust piles. What about old Spike, the Big Bad himself? I've been evil, sure, but not everything I've done has been evil! And have I ever gotten an apology or an ounce of credit from you?"

He was losing his temper, and he knew it. And he didn't care. "What about the time you left me tied up in the middle of a fight, starving, without a chance to defend myself or even dive for cover? I couldn't have hurt you, and I was offering you information about the Initiative, but I wasn't even worth trying to protect!

"What about all the times you've come over to my crypt to beat information out of me? Or just to beat me up for the fun of it? What about the other night, when you beat me almost senseless because I tried to keep you from throwing your bloody life away!

"Maybe it's too much to ask, but once, just once, I'd like you to consider apologizing to me!"

"And what would it mean if I did?!" Buffy shot back at him.

Spike stared at her a moment, his face just inches from hers, and tightly replied, "It would mean everything, luv. To me, at least."

Dawn held her breath. The two of them had obviously forgotten that she was even in the room. And they were...staring at each other, like they were going to start fighting or start...

The doorbell rang.

The moment was broken, but the tension was still there. After a long silence, the bell rang again, and Spike said, "That's probably Tara, with dinner."

Buffy just nodded and said, "I'll go let her in." She got up and started for the front door.

Dawn felt her heart sink into her shoes. Was Buffy really going to leave things like this? Sometimes she could be such a-

Buffy suddenly turned around. "S-spike?" she choked. Dawn could see there were tears in her eyes again.

The blond vampire looked at her, but didn't say a word.

When Buffy spoke, her voice was so quiet Dawn could barely make out the words:

"I'm sorry."

Then she ran for the door to greet Tara, as Spike and Dawn stared after her in wonder.

6 – Food, Comfort, and Joy

The door opens.

"Hi Tara."

"Hello, Buffy. God, you look awful."

Wry look. "Thanks a lot, Anya."

Sheepish smile. "Sorry, that just came out. But you do, you know?"

"Yeah, well, I'll bet I still look better than I feel."

Concerned look. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nah, I'm all talked out. Spike and I-"

Anger. "Did he push you? I told him not to push you."

"You did? Huh. Well, don't be mad. He didn't push...I did."

Confusion. "Huh?"

Dismissal. "Please, not now. We can talk later. Much later." Sniff, sniff. "Buffalo wings? Please tell me you got something besides Buffalo wings."

"Wings for Spike, wings, sides, and salad for Dawn, and fried chicken, sides, and salad for the two of us."

Childlike pleading. "Potato salad?"

Smile. "I remembered. It's the kind you like, with egg in it. God, how can you eat like that and still look like...that?"

Shrug. "Slayer metabolism. All that strength has to come from somewhere. C'mon, I hear that potato salad calling my name."

Dawn and Spike wanted to just crash-and-munch in front of the television. Buffy insisted on the dining room table. "That couch has been through years of zombie, vampire, and demon abuse, and somehow survived pretty much intact. I am not going to let you get wing sauce stains all over it."

She managed to get that out by fixing her gaze on Dawn when she said it.

So they all sat and ate at the dinner table. Dawn and Tara talked, and ate, and talked some more. Spike just sat and ate, and occasionally looked at her. And she sat, and ate a little, and looked back at him. And felt terrible.

God, how could she have been so...awful? She remembered her Queen Bitch of the Universe phase at the beginning of her junior year of high school, and what she'd put Xander and Willow through back then. But that was nothing compared to what she'd done to Spike.

What she'd done to him – what they'd done to each other – when they actually were enemies was one thing. She had realized afterward that Spike hadn't brought up that stuff at all when asking for an apology.

But all the things she'd done when he was helpless. The things she'd done when he'd said he loved her. The things she'd done when he'd proved that he loved her.

Spike had real, human feelings. He loved her. Really, deep down, whole-hearted, give-his-life-for-her loved her. He loved – in a big-brotherly, protective kinda way – Dawn. He liked Willow, and apparently liked Tara well enough to trust her with – she thought wryly – the care and feeding of the ones he loved. He hated Xander, sure, but it seemed like a human-y hate, no worse than what she felt for, say, the dork who'd tried to come on to her at work today. Spike and Xander still managed to work together – just like she'd managed to give the dork his order without pouring his drink on his head.

She'd demanded that Spike prove his humanity by being sorry for what he'd done. But what was more human than wanting to be treated...well, like a human being?

When he'd looked right in her eyes, and not only asked for an apology, but also told her how much it would mean to him, it hit her. For once, she hadn't seen him as Spike, the Master Vampire. She'd seen him as Spike, the Man in Pain. And she had caused that pain.

Spike had feelings. And she had stomped all over those feelings. Tried to pretend they didn't even exist. Even Angelus had never done that to her.

Tara and Dawn were still going at it.

"But I already had some salad!"

"Well, have some more! And have some more carrots in it, they're good for your eyesight."

"If I eat another carrot, I'm going to turn into a bunny! Hey, you think I could scare Anya into getting off my case about the Magic Box stuff if I was a giant bunny?"

The vision of Faith's portrait swam in front of her. Not from thoughts of Faith herself – she had walled those feelings away for another time, when she could talk them over with someone who'd been there, like Willow or Xander. But she was suddenly aware that when you've done something wrong, you never knew when you would run out of opportunities to correct it. Life was short...especially for Slayers. She wanted...no, she needed to say something or do something more.

But she didn't know what to say, or do. After her hasty, whispered apology, all the fire had run out of her, as it always did these days when she was apart from him. The inspiration, the spark that would've told her what to do next, just wasn't there. She didn't really feel empty, but she felt...gray. Faded. Incomplete.

She didn't love Spike...she thought.

But it looked as though she needed him. And she wanted to need him in a good way. Not as a dirty little secret. Not as something to be ashamed of.

As a friend. As a companion. As a partner.

But could there be more?

Could she love him?

And did she want to?

Tara tried to be inconspicuous as she watched Buffy and Spike look at each other all through dinner. She didn't know what had gone on between Buffy and Spike before she had arrived, but she could make some guesses. Dawn was acting like a little kid – Tara almost expected her to start dancing around, singing, "I know something you don't know!"

She couldn't quite tell if Spike was happy – he just looked stunned. He kept glancing across the table at Buffy as if he didn't quite believe that they were just sitting down together, at dinner, like normal people. And as she'd blurted out when she'd arrived, Buffy looked awful. White-faced and red-eyed. Sad. And the looks she kept throwing Spike could only be described as guilty. And needy.

Tara was sorely tempted to take Dawn somewhere and let Buffy and Spike finish whatever it was they'd started, but Buffy didn't look like she was ready to finish it. And she didn't think Dawn would be particularly happy about being shuffled off somewhere; Tara actually found herself glancing over her shoulder, afraid she'd see that demon – Halfrek? – standing there.

The bottom line was, Buffy just looked too drained to do anything more. And following that metaphor, what she needed was a recharge. Some nice, simple, undemanding fun. And then she remembered a conversation she'd had with Dawn early in the summer when she and Willow were moving into her mother's old room...

"Dawn, what's with this box?"

"Let me see." Dawn came over and looked in the box. "Oh. That 's our old 'Extra Special Pick-Me-Up Night' box. When Mom and Dad split up, we were all...going through some bad times. Every now and then, it would get really bad. At that point, Mom would declare an Extra Special Pick-Me-Up Night. We'd get together, pick out one of the things in that box, and do it. There are a few of our favorite games, a couple of fun movies...and an emergency supply of hot chocolate. I don't think there's been a Pick-Me-Up Night since Buffy went to college, but look, it's still in there. Mom swore that she would never raid the hot chocolate from that box unless it was a Pick-Me-Up Night, because you never knew when you would really need it."

Tara put her arm around Dawn. "Do you need it now?"

The young brunette looked up, and bit her lip. "I...I don't want this to sound wrong, but I couldn't do that right now. Without Mom...without Buffy...it just wouldn't be the same. I don't want to get rid of this box – it got us through some really hard times – but for right now, I think we need to put it away." Then she brightened. "But we wouldn't need to raid this box to just have some hot chocolate – there's some in the cupboard downstairs!"

Tara laughed, and put the box back in the closet where she'd found it.

Dawn saw Tara suddenly stop eating. Then she smiled, and leaned over and whispered, "Hey Dawnie? Remember that box in your mother's closet?"

Dawn just looked at her blankly for a moment. "What? Oh!" Her eyes brightened, and a huge smile appeared on her face as she realized what the witch had in mind. "Tara, you're a genius!" Then she looked over at Buffy. "Buffy?" she called out.

"Hmm?" came the half-hearted reply.

Dawn pretended to study Buffy a moment, tapped her nose with her index finger, and then said in her best Know-it-All Doctor Voice, "You look like you need a Pick-Me-Up. An Extra Special Pick-Me-Up!"

Buffy's eyes widened. Then a small smile came to her face. "You think we could? But what about-" she waved her hand, indicating Tara and Spike.

"Well, Tara just has to be included, since she was the one who suggested it!" She turned to look at Tara, and smiled at her. "And I would like to officially invite Spike to this Pick-Me-Up Night..." her voice trailed off as she looked over at the vampire, "as long as he wants to stay."

"What's involved in this Pick-Me-Up Night?" he asked suspiciously.

"Games or movies, and hot chocolate."

"But there isn't any hot chocolate – or much of anything else, for that matter – in the house. Why do you think I had Tara bring dinner over? You're cleaned out, girls."

Dawn patiently explained about the box, and the emergency supply.

Spike pursed his lips. "Well, I guess I could stay. But I think we've all had enough of games, " and Dawn looked sheepish at his glare, "for quite a while. And I hope these movies aren't all sappy girlie flicks." Spike made a face.

Dawn tried to think. Some of them were "sappy girlie flicks," although not many of them were romantic-sappy. When Mom had been the one to really need a Pick-Me-Up, the last thing she had needed was a reminder of her own broken marriage.

Amazingly, it was Buffy who came up with the perfect solution.

Of course, at first Dawn just thought she had gone crazy. Her sister suddenly made this goofy face, and started singing a nonsense song over and over: "Da da-da da-da da, da da-da da-da, da da-da da-da da da, hello folks! Da da-da da-da da, da da-da da-da, da da-da da-da da da, hello folks!"

Everyone in the room just stared at her. Then Dawn got it, and almost laughed herself silly. "Buffy! Wow! I almost forgot about that one! And maybe Spike can even explain some of the British stuff we never got!"

Spike looked at the two of them like they were both crazy. "What the hell are you two birds going on about?"

Dawn explained. "It's one of the movies in that box. One of Mom's favorites, but both of us liked it too. It's a Scottish movie called Comfort and Joy." She glanced at Buffy. "Appropriate, much?"

Spike snorted. "Sounds like a Christmas movie."

Dawn went on. "Well, it takes place at the holiday season...but I can't say too much. The first time she put it on for us, Mom said you can't try to explain this movie ahead of time, or you'll ruin it."

Tara said, "Sounds like fun to me. Spike?"

Spike seemed to squirm as three pairs of feminine eyes gazed pleadingly at him. Dawn was sure it was the hazel pair across the table from him that made him squirm the most. "All right, all right. But I reserve the right to split if this flick gets too sappy...after I finish my hot chocolate, of course," he added in a mutter.

Spike stayed through the whole film. And he was the one who said, as they turned off the TV, "God! You think it's really possible to do that?"

Tara shrugged. "I don't know. I've never heard of anything like it before."

Buffy said smugly, "It can be done. You can find it in some Mexican restaurants."

Spike looked disgustedly at Dawn and Buffy. "You knew about something amazing like this, and never told me?"

Dawn protested, "I never knew you'd be interested! I thought you didn't like sweet stuff like that!"

Spike gave her a wicked grin. "Not usually. But I'm always up for new experiences." He held off on winking at Buffy, though. She looked like she was finally feeling better, and he didn't want to ruin things again.

Then he looked at the time. "Bugger! Everything'll be closed by now. If I'm going to try this out, I'll have to wait 'till tomorrow night!"

Tara looked up at him. "I'm free tomorrow night. How about you guys?" She looked at Buffy and Dawn.

Spike hadn't been planning on another get-together...he'd just figured on a blood entrée and stopping by the restaurant for a little take-out dessert. But he held his tongue. He didn't want to hurt Tara's feelings...and maybe he'd get to see Buffy again.

The two sisters just looked at each other. Buffy was the first to reply, "Well, Dawn and I had originally planned the next couple nights to be just for the two of us – like tonight was supposed to be – but I wouldn't mind if she wouldn't."

Dawn smiled impishly. "And miss out on the dessert you guys are planning? Uh-uh! Count me in!"

Buffy said suddenly, "What about the others? Xander, and Anya, and...Willow?"

Tara said, "I think Xander and Anya were planning to stay in for a while. She kinda had a bad reaction to being shut up in here, and I think she said something about having Xander make her forget all about it." She made a face – they all knew what that meant. She looked over at Buffy and Dawn. "I believe...Willow's plans are open for tomorrow."

Spike grinned to himself when he saw Tara's say Willow's name. He was glad the two witches were starting to patch things up. And a night out with a group might help them, too. "I wouldn't mind if Red came along."

Buffy brightened. "Then it looks like we'll be meeting again tomorrow? Here, at seven o'clock?"

Spike couldn't hold back on that opening. He looked straight at her and said, "It's a date, luv."

Buffy is so beautiful when she blushes, he thought.

7 – From the Mouths of Babes

After Tara and Spike left, Dawn ran up to her room, claiming she was tired and wanted to get ready for bed. Actually, she was so wired she didn't think she'd sleep at all that night. She just wanted to get to her room so she could write down everything she'd seen in her diary.

As she sat at her desk and opened the book, she sighed as she remembered the old diaries that she had destroyed when she was going through her "I'm Not Real" crisis. She had even asked Willow at one point if there was any way to get them back. Willow had smiled sadly, and said that there were whole libraries of books that she'd like to un-burn, but that it just wasn't possible.

Now, as Dawn started to write, she figured it was all for the best. It was actually kinda...therapeutic, to have burned those diaries. She had sounded like such a dweeb sometimes.

She was interrupted by a knock at the door, and a voice. "Dawn? Can I come in?"

Buffy. Now...what could she possibly want? Dawn thought wickedly. She was pretty sure she knew what Buffy wanted to talk about. She just wasn't sure whether she wanted to tease her mercilessly or just tell her to go find Spike and kiss him till his hair curled. "Sure. C'mon in."

Buffy came in and sat on the bed, and gave her a half-smile. "I figured you'd go right to the diary. But after we talk, I'd like you to try to get some sleep. We've all had a rotten couple of weeks, and I can't believe you're not ready to collapse. I know that I want to crawl under the covers and not come out until summertime, at least."

Dawn gave her a mischievous look and said, "Oh? And miss your date with Spike tomorrow night?"

Buffy blushed furiously and squeaked, "Dawn! I do not have a date with Spike! I have a date with you and Tara and Willow...and Spike." The last came out with a bit of a sigh.

Dawn grinned again as she heard that sigh. "C'mon, sis, admit it. You like him. Even if the other Scoobies would have a problem dealin' with that, I know what Spike is really like. You can be honest with me."

Buffy looked down at her shoes, and Dawn saw her lip quiver. "I've been so terrible to him. And I don't know what to do." Suddenly she looked up at Dawn, and there was that weird gleam in her eye again. "Dawn? You know what Spike is really like? How 'bout you tell me all about it?"

Dawn was taken aback. "What? You know all about him. He's...Spike."

"Dawnie, I only know about him in a kicked-his-ass, stomped-on-his-heart kinda way. Look, I know how much you were with Spike while I was...away. You were the reason he stuck around. And I don't think he'd believe me if I said, 'Pour out your heart to me for, like, the zillionth time, 'cause I promise this time I'll listen to you.'

"So please, Dawn. Tell me what I need to know."

Buffy waited, and watched Dawn think about her request. She had that funny wrinkly thing between her eyes that meant she was really thinking hard about something. Then she said, "Buffy? I've got a bit of a problem. I kinda swore to Spike that I'd never tell any of the Scoobies about something that I think you need to know.

"As it was, I think he only told me 'cause he was really, really drunk, 'cause the next day, he made me swear never to tell again. And told me that if I ever broke that promise, he'd tie me up and leave me in the cemetery. At night. Naked."

Forcing down the automatic, furious response at Spike even thinking about a naked Dawn, Buffy thought for a moment. "I really don't like the idea of helping you break a promise...but I think I can get you off on a technicality. Willow told me one time, 'You're the Slayer, and we're the Slayerettes.' I guess if you assume that 'the Scoobies' is just another name for 'the Slayerettes,' then, as the Slayer, I'm not really a Scooby!" she finished brightly, proud of herself for having thought of it.

Dawn gave her an impish look. "No, you're Scooby Doo himself. 'Ruh-roh! It's a monster!'" She laughed.

Buffy grabbed a pillow and whacked her sister with it. "Jerk!" A brief pillow fight ensued. As soon as things calmed down, Buffy said, "So spill."

Dawn sighed. "Okay. How much has Spike told you about what he was like before he was a vampire?"

"Not much. He's implied, once or twice, that he's always been 'the Big Bad,' but he's never really given me any details." She wrinkled her nose. "I'm not sure I really wanna know, if he was, like, Jack the Ripper or Mack the Knife or something like that."

Dawn fidgeted a bit. "Well, it was nothing like that. He was just, well, William the Bloody."

Buffy felt her mouth tighten. "So, since you're obviously dying to tell me, what disgusting thing did he do to get that nickname?"

"He wrote bloody awful poetry."

Buffy thought she would fall off the bed from laughing.

Dawn was mortified. She should've known she couldn't trust Buffy with this! "Buffy! Stop it!"

Buffy was still slapping the bed and giggling helplessly. "Spike! Poetry! Spike! Hahahaha!"

Dawn glared at her and said, "Remember when Missy Davenport laughed at you when you were in your Dorothy Hamill outfit?"

Buffy's giggling suddenly turned into coughing and choking. Then she looked up at Dawn, and managed to look gratifyingly mortified. "Um. Oh. Ooops. I...I did it again, didn't I?"

Dawn only glared at her some more and said, "Now you know why Spike never told you. If he'd seen you laughing at him like that, he'd have staked himself."

Buffy shook her head. "It's just so...weird. I mean, Spike, who calls Angel 'the Poof' and uses English cursewords like punctuation...a poet? This is maximum wig-time. It's a nuclear wig-bomb!"

Dawn nodded sympathetically. "I know, I couldn't believe it myself – though I did manage not to laugh at him, butthead – and he ended up telling me the whole story."

"What whole story?"

"That he was completely, totally in love with this girl, and he wrote her poetry and did everything he could to prove he loved her...and she totally dissed him. She broke his heart, and he took off and ran right into Drusilla! And before he knew it, he woke up without a pulse."

Buffy made a face. "God, that sounds awful."

Dawn went on. "Yeah, from what he told me, this Cecily girl would've made Cordelia look pleasant. The last thing she said to him was, 'You're beneath me.' How totally bitchy is that?"

Buffy didn't answer – she just sat there, white as a ghost.

"Buffy?"

"Oh my God, Dawnie..." Buffy whispered. "I said that to him."

Dawn couldn't believe her ears. "When?"

"Before...before he told me he loved me. He was going on about this theory he had, that all Slayers have a death wish, and he was saying he'd be sure to be there the day that mine caught up with me. And he was acting all cocky, and...leaning towards me, like he wanted to bite me – I guess he might've been trying to work himself up to kiss me.

"Anyway, I just got so mad I hit him. Knocked him on his butt. And I said that even if this death wish ever did catch up with me, he wouldn't be the one who got me. And then I said it. 'You're beneath me.' When I walked away, I was actually kinda happy 'cause it looked like I had really gotten to him with that one. And I guess I did, didn't I?" she added mournfully.

They sat together in silence for a while.

"I don't understand. How come he doesn't hate me?"

Dawn muttered angrily, "Don't ask me. I'm pretty mad at you myself."

"I guess I've earned it. But please, Dawnie. I've got to make this up to him, somehow. This is just...too much! I don't know how I can make things right with him if I don't even know how he can put up with me in the first place!"

Buffy thought Dawn 's glare softened...just a little. "He loves you, Buffy. It's that simple. You forgave Angel for what he did when he was bad, didn't you?"

Buffy sighed. "That was different. Angel and Angelus are like, two different people." At least, that was what she had always told herself. It was the only way she could deal with her conflicting feelings regarding Angel. "I'm still the same Buffy who said all those things to Spike."

Dawn shot back, "Is he the same Spike that called out the Order of Taraka on you? People change, Buffy. That's what this is all about. Spike wants you – wants all of us – to believe that he's changed, that he's not the same person he used to be.

"I believe him. I guess that's why I like Spike more than I ever liked Angel. Angel always seemed the same to me...at least, when he was Angel."

Buffy took a moment to digest all this. Then she made a face at her younger sister. "When did you get to be so smart?"

Dawn stuck her nose in the air. "I've always been smart, and you know it!"

They both laughed a little, and then Buffy sighed. "What am I gonna do, Dawnie?"

"Do you love him?"

The question caught Buffy off-guard. "Maybe. I dunno. I care about him. I don't want to hurt him anymore.

"But he just gets so...Spike-ish all the time! It's like he knows exactly what to say to push my buttons! He acts like it's fun to get me mad at him."

Dawn laughed. "It is! I've had loads of fun playing the same game!" She demonstrated by whacking Buffy with a pillow. That led to another pillow fight.

Dawn continued, afterward, "See, Buffy? Fighting doesn't have to be fighting, when it's with someone you care about. Try playing with Spike in the same way. Push a few of his buttons, and get him all 'grrr,' and even have a fight with him. He likes fighting.

"Just make sure you use your fists instead of a stake. And I mean with the words, as well as the physical stuff. Rag on him about his hair, or his coat, or something like that. Leave the feelings stuff out of it. And if you ever tell him I told you about the poetry..."

"I get it, I get it." She took a deep breath, and let it out. "All right. I think that's about as much as I cane take. Any more and my head's gonna turn inside out."

Dawn snorted. "Like that would make a difference. I always said you used too much hair color – it must've soaked into your brain."

Buffy stuck out her tongue. "Brat."

"Airhead."

"Spaz."

"Shrimp." Dawn laughed as Buffy sputtered over that one. "I've been waiting to use that one ever since I noticed I'm taller than you."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Now I know I've had enough! I give! Just go to bed and get some sleep." Then she smiled wickedly, and Dawn suddenly knew her sister had one more shot to throw. "We've got lots of stores to visit tomorrow, and things to return. And if they won't take 'em back, we're gonna figure out how you can work off the cost."

Dawn fell facedown onto her pillow and groaned.

Buffy didn't sleep well that night. She kept having this dream where a woman with dark, curly hair kept saying to her, "You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me.

"You're beneath me.

"You're beneath me."

8 – Consequences and Truth

As Dawn had suspected, the store owner that made the most fuss about the shoplifted items was Anya. She went on for several minutes about how angry and hurt she was, and how many sales Dawn had cost her.

"But I'm returning everything! You can sell them now!"

Anya held up one of the items. "This is an Amulet of Rathcar. It's only used for certain rituals on the blue moon – the second full moon in a month. We just had a blue moon a few months ago, and there won't be another for almost three years! And this item...this is a cloaking amulet, which protects the wearer from detection spells and such. But you see the gem? It's blue. It's already bonded to you, so I can't sell it to someone else! And this...wait," she paused as she held up a gold medallion. "This doesn't belong in the shop. It's D'Hoffryn's talisman! Where did you get this?"

Dawn was confused. "I'm sure I picked it up here."

Anya frowned. "I'll have to put this away somewhere safe. It's no wonder Halfrek paid a visit – having this around was like lighting a beacon for her.

"Now, I'd really like to charge you for all of this stuff...but Xander pointed out to me that you don't have enough money to pay for it, and reminded me that you're just an immature person-"

"I didn't say that, Ahn!" exclaimed Xander.

"-who hasn't learned how hard it is to work for a living and have to make money so you can have pretty things instead of just having someone buy them for you. So I'm going to teach you a valuable lesson, and let you work off what you owe me at the same time."

"Oh, no," Dawn muttered.

"You're going to come in to the shop every Saturday for the next month, learning how to handle customers, use the cash register, take orders for delivery, the whole shebang. Then you're really going to go to work."

"What do you mean?" Dawn asked, starting to get really scared now.

"For weeks now, I've been trying to figure out how Xander and I could get away for a honeymoon. Giles isn't here to look after the shop, Buffy has a job of her own, and Willow and Tara have college. You have school, but as I understand it, you have a week off for Spring Break just a week after our wedding-"

"OH, NO!" cried Dawn as she figured out what was coming.

"-so you can run the shop for that week while Xander and I go off somewhere and have lots of fun. Then, when I come back, if I find you've done a good job, made an appropriate amount of money for the Vernal Equinox ritual season, and kept the receipts and the books straight, I will consider the matter closed. If I don't think you've done a good job...well, there's always summer vacation."

Dawn looked pleadingly at her sister. "Buffy?"

"Don't look at me, Dawn, I think it's a pretty good idea myself. Although I do have one condition, Anya."

Anya looked suspicious. "What is it?"

"This store isn't exactly the safest place in Sunnydale for a-" she cut herself off before she said something that Dawn would take as belittling, "young lady like my sister. Remember how Giles got the store in the first place? I think that there should be someone here...Tara, or maybe Spike...to make sure she doesn't get attacked, or sell anything dangerous to a bad guy."

Anya pouted. "Aw, you're no fun. I was going to have one of my old Gorgon friends stop by on the last day and turn her to stone."

Dawn thought her heart stopped beating for a moment, and Buffy seemed equally horrified. "Anya! Working off what she owes is one thing! Turning her into statuary is out of the question."

Anya smiled sweetly. "Just kidding." She glared at Dawn. "That's for the freaking-out you gave me at the party. Now please go do whatever else you need to do, you're blocking the register. I'll see you next Saturday at nine sharp, Dawn!"

Dawn groaned. "Buffy?"

"You heard her, Dawn. Nine sharp."

Once seven o' clock came, however, and the "double-date-plus-one" – as Dawn thought of it – got together, she was in heaven. As she looked around at the other four in the group, she couldn't help grinning this huge, silly grin that she was sure made her look like a little kid again.

Buffy was alive – really alive. She was happy, smiling...and teasing Spike about his clothes. Dawn smugly reminded herself to really let Buffy have it but good, about having to come to her for relationship advice.

Tara was looking happy again, and Dawn thought she might be making up with Willow. Maybe she'd even come back to live with them again. She really missed the quiet blonde. Somehow, she felt comfortable letting Tara "mother" her in ways that just felt oogy with anyone else, even Buffy.

Then there was Willow. Now that she was over the whole magical power-tripping thing, Dawn had to admit that she had been pretty hard on the former witch. After all, Willow was the one who'd helped her through algebra, taught her to play chess, and taken Dawn's side whenever Buffy was on her case about being a klutz.

And Spike...

Spike was smiling. Not smirking, not leering, not sneering. Smiling.

And Buffy was smiling back. And now she was teasing him about his hair.

This was the happiest Dawn had been in...well, unless you counted the memories the monks had built, it was the happiest she'd ever been. Then Dawn remembered that she was the fifth wheel here. Okay, Smartypants, next item on the to-do list is to find me someone to get gooey with!

By the end of the evening, Tara and Willow were slowly and steadilly on the road back to becoming "Tara-and-Willow" again. Buffy and Spike, however, weren't quite so open yet about becoming a couple. Even so, everyone – including Willow, the only one there with no previous knowledge or suspicions about the two of them – sensed that something had changed between them.

By unspoken agreement, the group spread out a bit on the walk back to Buffy's house. Spike and Buffy were in front, Dawn a few yards behind them, and Tara and Willow brought up the rear. That protected Dawn, the most vulnerable, but also gave the couples a chance to talk privately.

"Tara?"

"Yes, Willow?"

"If you were to come back to me, which I'm not saying you will, but I'm hoping that you will want to someday...grrrr!" She growled as she tried to rein in her babbling tongue. "What I mean is, how would we we handle the magic thing?"

"What magic thing?"

"The magic thing where I can't be trusted around magic-y stuff like crystals and candles and statuettes, but without them you can't do your own magic."

"Oh, I guess we would have to keep my stuff at the Magic Box, or someplace safe like that, while you work on your self-control."

"That's good." There was a pause. "Um...I don't want to jump to any conclusions or anything, but you came up with that answer awful quick."

"So?"

"So...were you thinking about it before I brought it up?"

Tara smiled. "I guess I was."

"Oh." And Willow smiled back.

"Buffy, there's something I need to tell you."

"There's a couple things I need to tell you, too, Spike. But you can go first."

He nodded. "There was something I wasn't able to say yesterday...in front of the Niblet. Something that I really need to say." He sighed.

"I'd been doing my best to try to convince you I'd changed, that I wasn't a monster anymore. But the past few weeks, when we've been...together," he said quietly, the simple fact of his tactfulness bringing a smile of relief to Buffy's face, "I've been doing my best to make you feel guilty for wanting to be with me. That...was not only cruel, it was stupid.

"I meant what I said when you were invisible, Buffy. I want you, all of you. Not just your body. Not that there's anything wrong with it," Buffy blushed as he gave her an appreciative look, from head to toe and back, "but now that I've had a taste...I want it all. And I don't want you to feel like you have to keep me in some dark corner – the dirty little secret that you can't tell anyone about."

"Spike?"

"Yeah, pet?"

Buffy made a point of looking back at Tara, Willow, and Dawn. And then, almost shyly, she took his hand, and continued to walk with him. "No more dirty little secrets," she said.

"Uh, Tara?"

"Yes?"

"Am I seeing things, or is Buffy holding hands with Spike?"

"Well, you're not seeing things, because I see it, too."

"Umm...you seem awfully calm about this."

"Why shouldn't I be?"

"Well, the only time I've ever seen them acting like this was when I cast that spell I told you about, the 'my will be done' spell, and I accidentally made them get engaged. So I'm just wondering if someone cast a spell again, or if the world is just naturally turning upside down on its own."

Tara laughed. "Well, Willow, people do change." She took a deep breath, then she decided she might as well go for broke. "Willow?"

"Yes?"

"There's something else about the magic thing that we need to talk about."

"What is it?"

"What are you going to do with all that power you've got?"

"Hmm? I thought that was settled. I can't do magic anymore. Power corrupting, the taint of the dark arts, and all that."

"But the power is a part of you. Ignoring it would be like...Buffy trying to pretend she's not the Slayer. Or...Xander trying to pretend he's not a guy," she said with a grin. Then she concluded seriously, "And if you get in trouble, someday...

"What if something happened, something even worse than our problem at Buffy's party? Your instincts might cause you to reach for the magic again."

"I wouldn't do that!"

"What if you saw someone hurting...killing...Dawn, or Buffy, or Xander...or me?"

Willow started, and turned to her. "If anyone hurt you, Tara..." She blinked as tears started to come to her eyes. "I hurt you, and Dawn. Terribly. And I'll never ever forgive myself for it. And I never want to see you hurt like that again, ever!"

Tara watched glumly as Willow started to lose her self-control. Then the redhead's eyes opened wide, and she reached out. "Oh my God, Tara! You're right! Just thinking about something like that...What can I do?"

Tara sighed. "Maybe you can't use witchcraft and the dark arts and such...but I want to look into other ways you might be able to tap into your gifts."

Willow just stared at her. "You think that's even possible?"

Tara replied simply, "Some things happen for a reason, Willow. I don't believe that gifts like yours just appear randomly; they're meant for something. Although it was a mistake for you to get into witchcraft. No, please, let me finish, Willow," she said as the redhead tried to respond.

"From what you've told me, you've had problems with a lot of your major workings – like that 'my will be done' spell, or the spell that summoned your vampire double. Lots of unexpected backlashes, or Murphy's Law running amok.

"Some things you've done have been really amazing, like when you restored my mind," she smiled then at Willow, to remind her of how much Tara owed her for that, "or when you did the teleportation spell. But both of them were still hell on you – the backlash on the restoration you did on me broke your leg. And the teleportation spell gave you those terrible headaches and nosebleeds – I was terrified you'd have a full-blown cerebral hemorrage.

"So I think your power was never really meant to be used in witchcraft. But there are...other kinds of power, other kinds of magic. I should know – you changed me, without ever casting a spell."

She paused, and took a breath.

"I was never...comfortable with magic, or with myself, until I met you, Willow. Do I look, or sound, like the same shy, stammering girl in baggy sweats that you met in that Wicca group two years ago?" she said with a smile. "Every word of that song, that day in the park, was true. You changed my life. Brought out the very best in me, things I didn't even know were there. And you made me feel good about myself, as a person...and as a witch.

"Now, maybe I can help you through the same kind of change. You said, the other night, that you'd told Buffy that you wanted to be SuperWillow instead of ordinary Willow. Well, first of all, I fell in love with Willow, not SuperWillow. Willow is a very good person to be, and you've got to learn to be comfortable with that.

"And you also need to find something else to work with, something that will let you use your natural abilities. Something that can be a part of you, without taking over your whole life, the way magic did."

Willow stared at her a long time. Then she asked, "When did you come up with all this?"

Tara smiled. "The other night. After we...had our little talk."

Suddenly Tara found herself in a fierce embrace. She just hugged back. No more words were needed.

Spike glanced backwards. "Looks like the two of them won't be walking for a bit. Better stop here a moment, Slayer."

Buffy looked back, then blushed a little, and looked away. "I'm glad for them. They were the happiest couple I've ever known, and it was so awful to see them apart.

"It's so weird. I remember when Willow first told me about her relationship with Tara. She was so afraid that I would wig out on her. And I guess I did – not so much at the relationship, but that my best friend had gone through this huge change, and I'd never even noticed. I was so caught up in the Initiative, and Riley-" She glanced over at Spike. "Sorry. I shouldn't bring him up, should I?"

"I guess you'll just have to figure out a way to make it up to me, luv."

Buffy smiled at him. Then she set her mouth, and Spike got nervous. "Spike, I've put this off long enough."

Spike took a deep breath. He didn't think Buffy was going to deliver bad news, not when things were going so well...but things were going so well, he almost had to wonder when the other shoe was going to drop. "All right, pet. Lay it on me."

Buffy rolled her eyes at him. "Stop trying to look so noble, Spike. It doesn't suit you." She grinned at him. "Roguish, wicked, and even mysterious suit you. Not noble."

Spike smirked at her.

"That's better." Then she put her "serious" face back on. "Spike...before everything got out of hand, with the...you know," she blushed, "I was really starting to like just being with you. You were right about me being afraid to talk to my friends about how I felt. But there was more than that.

"Even when we were enemies, there was...a connection between us. You were smarter and faster and more dangerous than any other vampire I'd faced. And even if I beat you a couple times, you always managed to get away and come back bigger and badder than ever.

"And then I remember what it was like, when Willow put that spell on us." She grinned up at him, and her heart warmed as he smiled, remembering that day. "It was weird, and we both swore we hated it afterwards, but...it felt so right at the time. And I can't help looking back at that time, and wanting to be that happy, with you, again."

She took a deep breath. "Spike, I like this. Being with you. No pressure, no throwing each other up against the wall – for one reason or another," she muttered. "But this is all so new to me – to both of us. It'll take time for me to get used to this. And I need you to understand that. Because I don't want to hurt you anymore.

"I like you, Spike. I'm comfortable with you, I trust you...a little," she blushed as she remembered the last time the issue of trust had come up between them, "I think I'm beginning to understand you a bit – I know you understand me a hell of a lot more than I understand myself sometimes. And yes, I even lust after your skinny white body.

"But does that all add up to love?" She pressed her lips together as she considered the question again. "I don't know." Then, to soften the whole speech a little, she raised her free hand, and pressed it against his face. She caressed his strong, sculpted cheek...Down, girl! she thought, as she added, "Not yet.

"But there's something else. It's not just figuring out what I feel for you, I'm just having problems with my feelings in general. Ever since I came back, I've felt...different, inside. Half-alive. It's not just the memories of...where I was. Those are actually starting to fade away into the background.

"But the only time I've felt whole, and alive, is when I've been with you. It started the first night I was back. You took my hands..." she shuddered at the memory of her scratched and bloody hands, and how she'd hurt them, "and I felt all this fire running through me. I felt like me again. And then the others came in, and you let go of me...and it all went away. I felt so lost, and alone, and they were babbling at me, asking me how I was, and if I was hungry...I just wanted to scream, but I didn't have the energy."

She sighed. "After that, I felt...afraid, every time I was around you. Because all that fire might come rushing back into me. And I didn't know what to do about it...whether to want it – want you – or not. And then, that night, with the singing demon, when you saved my life...You got through to me, not only because of your words, but because you were holding me. And it felt so wonderful. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take being that cold, lonely person anymore. And so I kissed you.

"And I immediately regretted it. Because it didn't seem real, it didn't seem right. I was just using you to shut away the pain, and I didn't want to admit, even to myself, that you were somehow the key to my feelings." She sighed.

"You know...what came after that. Guilt, and pain, then running back to you, then running away from you...pretty soon I didn't know where to turn.

"Then I thought of I asking Tara about the spell that brought me back. I wanted her to figure out what was wrong with me, and how to fix it. But she couldn't find anything-"

"Ask her again." Spike interrupted her. She looked up at him. He looked...strange. "Ask her about it again. She missed something the first time, but she knows better now."

"Tara..." It came to her. "She went to you, didn't she? She confronted you, about us."

Spike actually managed to look shamefaced. "Don't blame her, luv. She was just afraid for you, and decided to let me know exactly how much I was hurting you." He reached into a pocket, and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He looked at her a moment, and she realized he was waiting for her permission before lighting one up. She nodded. They were in the open air, and it wasn't like Spike had to worry about lung cancer.

Spike went on in between puffs. He told her about Tara's visit, and her investigation into auras. "That matches up with what you just told me." He frowned. "So you can't feel...right, unless you're carrying me around with you, like a lucky charm or something? You really got buggered but good, didn't you?"

Buffy nodded back. "It sucks, big time." Then she concluded. "I just wanted you to know why I was acting so crazy there, for a while. And why...I may still need to grab hold of you, every now and then. Although you don't seem to mind that too much," she said with a smirk.

"You know why I let you speak first? I figured you were going to say something nice, and I wanted an excuse to be able to hold your hand before I went, because until I did that, I wasn't even sure what I was going to say. This," she waved her hand expressively, "all just came to me, right now, while we were walking."

Spike grinned at her. "Pretty good job for improv, luv."

Buffy smiled. "Just one more thing, Spike. Emotional support...isn't the only reason I would want to grab hold of you." Then she leaned forward and kissed him.

This wasn't like the hot, passionate kisses of the previous weeks. This was warm, and friendly...and maybe a little teasing. Buffy felt like it was a promise of things to come. She really, really hoped it was.

When she came up for air, she glanced back and saw Tara, Willow, and Dawn all gaping at her. Tara smiled. Willow just looked stunned. Dawn gave her a big thumbs-up.

She grinned mischievously at them, and at Spike, and said, very loudly, "Spike lips! Lips of Spike!" Then she laughed and kissed him again.

9 – Haven't We Been Here Before?

Standing on the porch with Spike, Buffy ached inside as she admitted to herself that it was finally time to let go of his hand. As the fire within her fizzled and died, she almost moaned in despair. She wanted to grab right onto him again, and keep holding – all night long, if possible. But she knew she couldn't just, well, jump into bed with him, like she had been doing for the past month and a half or so.

She had the sudden realization that that she didn't want to just "have sex" with Spike anymore. If – or was it when? – she went to bed with Spike again she wanted it to be...making love. Either before, or after – or maybe during, she thought with a blush – those three little words were gonna be involved. She actually did grab onto his hand at that point, so she could savor the vision that flashed before her. Sweaty bodies. Hot kisses. Soft cries and growls. And the light in his eyes as she said the words to him.

Aaaarrrgh! she thought, overwhelmed with lust, embarrassment, and frustration. Bad Buffy!

Spike just stared at her. "Somethin' wrong, luv?"

She just stared back at him a moment. God, it's true. It's not about using him to make the emptiness go away. It's not about sex for the sake of feeling something, anything. I want Spike. I want Spike! I don't know if I love him, but God do I want him!

Buffy decided she just had to do something with all that fire rolling around inside her. So she jumped into his arms, and poured it all right back into Spike with a goodnight kiss that should've ignited his hair.

It took a long time to get Spike to leave after that, and to get herself to let him leave. But eventually she did, with a promise to see him the next day, in regards to a little project Spike had suggested.

Dawn's gonna be thrilled, she thought, as she waited on the porch to speak with Tara, who was looking nearly as reluctant to leave as Spike had.

But although Tara and Willow had become very warm with each other again, it looked like they weren't quite ready to get...hot...with each other yet. Buffy was sure it was just a matter of time, though – the two of them were giving each other such ooey-gooey looks that she started feeling all gooey herself...as well as a little jealous. Spike could be passionate, but she doubted he could ever let himself be gooey.

Then she thought about Dawn's story about him having been a poet. There's possibilities there...what's more gooey than writing poetry for your lady love? Then she remembered that he'd been a bad poet. Ugh! Gimme flowers and candlelight, or just wild nights with houses falling down around us, but please don't send me bad poetry, Spike!

She shook her head with a chuckle. Wild sexual fantasies, and syrupy-sweet romantic musings, within five minutes of each other. And all about Spike. Things certainly had changed up there in her head. And down there in her heart. And...She blushed and left the thought unfinished.

That brought her back to her reason for speaking to Tara. After the witch had detached herself from Willow, Buffy followed her down the stairs to the sidewalk and called to her, "Tara?" As she caught up to the older blonde, Buffy continued, "Spike told me...everything. And he said that you have some more information for me."

Tara gulped and looked down at her shoes. "I h-h-hope you're n-not mad at me, B-buffy," she stammered.

Buffy reassured the blonde with a quick hug. "It's okay, Tara. It worked out just fine. I wouldn't be this happy if it wasn't for you! I owe you, big-time!"

Tara smiled. "Spike's already paid back the favor...in much the same way, Buffy." She proceeded to tell Buffy that Spike had bumped into Willow the other night, causing her to fall into Tara's arms. "I was pretty Willow-struck at the time, but that peroxide hair of his stood out like a beacon in the moonlight. I saw him smirking at us as we walked away." She explained how the "accident" had precipitated their reconciliation. "So much has happened between us in the past couple days, but it never would've if Spike hadn't forced us into that first step."

Buffy shook her head. "First he punches you, then he shoves Willow. Spike sure has a weird way of doing you two favors."

Tara gave her a sweet smile. "Maybe, but they're still the two nicest things that anyone's ever done for me."

Buffy realized they were getting way off-track. "All right, enough mushy Spike talk. What was it that you saw at my party that has you so wigged?"

Tara described what she had seen in Buffy's aura, and what had happened as she and Spike touched. "I still can't explain it. And I don't know where to go from here, Buffy. Nothing about that spell would explain anything like this, and I've read everything that's ever been written about the spell, including descriptions of every time it's known to have been cast."

Buffy's mind was reeling. Finally, she had some confirmation that there was a reason for all this. This...deadness inside her. It wasn't just her. It was something that had been done to her.

Why me? she thought to herself. Why did all this stuff happen to me, out of all the other girls in the world? Even all the other Slayers didn't have to put up with this crap, 'cause they were never...Then her eyes widened as she made the connection. "Tara, maybe you've read everything about that spell, but I know something else you need to research."

"What's that?"

"Me. Or rather, Slayers. I'm sure that spell was never cast on a Slayer before, because Giles told me when Kendra was Called that it was the first time in history that there was ever more than one Slayer. If any Slayers before me had been resurrected, the Council would've known."

Tara's eyes opened wide. "Oh. So I need to check Giles' books for any descriptions of how Slayers...differ from regular human beings."

Buffy nodded. "And there's something else I just thought of. With Faith gone..." She paused a moment at the grief she felt at the thought. Why is it that I can feel all the painful emotions at full blast without Spike? she thought bitterly.

"With her gone, there'll be a new Slayer. She may already have been Called; I was never clear on just how quickly it happens. I bet the Council's going to try to make her a single-minded, can't-have-a-life, always-take-orders-from-your-Watcher Slaying machine, like most Slayers have been – like Kendra was when I first met her." The mention of the other lost Slayer also brought tears to her eyes. Both of them dead, and me twice, but I'm still here. Once more, God, why me?

She sighed, and continued. "Those bastards shouldn't get away with that any more. I'll call Giles, see what he knows about the new Slayer, and make sure he gets involved. I don't know if the Council trusts him completely...and I'm still mad at him for leaving me when I really needed him. But he's the only decent one on the whole Council. If anyone can make sure the new Slayer is allowed to have something resembling a normal life, he can."

Tara nodded. Then she gave Buffy a big hug. "I'll find the answer, Buffy. I swear I'll find it."

Buffy could only answer, "Thank you. For everything." She stepped back and gave Tara a smile. "Give Miss Kitty Fantastico a tummy rub, and a big bag of catnip, for me."

Tara laughed. "She'll appreciate both." Then she added wistfully, "Who knows, Buffy. You may get to see Miss Kitty scampering around your house again very soon..."

Willow watched as her lover and her best friend spoke, and hugged, and spoke some more, and then hugged some more. When did Buffy and Tara get so close? she wondered. Tara had been accepted as a Scooby, and the whole crisis with the Maclay family had actually strengthened her bond with Buffy and Xander and the others, but as far as she knew, they had never really spent time with Tara alone, as opposed to Tara-and-Willow.

When Buffy came back to the house, Willow gave her a half-smile. "Trying to move in on my girl, Buff?" she said in mock jealousy.

Buffy grinned and seemed to consider it. "Nah. As if I'd have a chance. Tara doesn't seem to go for blondes. She's into redheads, all the way."

Willow couldn't help but smile. "Oh, God, Buffy, I missed her. I don't know how I made it through all those weeks without her."

Buffy smiled back. "It's good to see you happy again, Will. Happiness has been pretty scarce around this house lately."

Willow decided to go for broke. "Speaking of happiness and relationships, Buffy...Spike? When? How? And..." she broke off. There were too many questions.

Buffy looked at her, and Willow could feel her old friend...measuring her. Then she sighed and said, "I guess I should tell you the whole story, Will. You deserve to know what's been going on. And you're not freaking, the way that I'm sure Xander will...Oh, God, you can't ever tell Xander. He'd wig out big time if he knew what was really going on when...Wait." She stopped talking a moment, then said, "I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go inside, and talk."

As she opened the door, Buffy started, "It all began the night I came back..."

What neither Buffy nor Willow knew was that Dawn had had a...feeling that there was an important conversation going on. So she crept out of her bedroom, over to her usual hiding place at the top of the stairs, and listened. And got herself an earful.

Willow was, in turn, dismayed, appalled, and embarrassed as Buffy spun her tale. She tried not to interrupt, but couldn't help it at times.

"You mean Spike can hit you now?"

"Yeah. He wasn't really going at me full-strength, like he was trying to kill me. But he wanted to get my attention...and he got it." She went on. Willow blushed. Then she gasped. The she blushed some more.

"You mean Xander...walked in on you? With Spike?!?" Willow squeaked.

Buffy blushed herself. "Yeah. And if that wasn't bad enough, I...teased Spike. Nibbled on his earlobe. While Xander was there."

Willow laughed until she cried. "Oh my God! Poor Xander! He would have a fit if he knew that!"

Buffy glared at her. "Which is why he's never gonna know, Will. I mean, he's gotta know that Spike and I are...together...eventually. But don't tell him any of this stuff. I'd never hear the end of it. And besides, he doesn't like Spike as it is. If he hears all this, he'll assume it's Spike's doing and not mine."

Willow shook her head. "It's not your fault, Buffy, it's mine! I cast the spell that brought you back this way, I did all this to you!" she wailed.

Buffy waited till she had calmed down, then said softly to her, "Willow, this is not your fault. I don't know if there's any way that you could've known about this. Tara didn't even think to check the Slayer connection until I told her. I won't even know if Giles would've known anything, until Tara checks his books. Slayers are fast and strong, and have some extra-sensory stuff, but we're still supposed to be human.

"Remember the enjoining spell? You and Giles didn't blame yourselves for what happened afterward, with the First Slayer. It just happened. Same with this. Tara will do the research, and figure out what we have to do to fix me."

Willow bit her quivering lip. "So can I do anything? In my non-magical capacity as Friend-of-Buffy?"

Buffy smiled and hugged her. "Of course you can, Will. Just be there for me, when I need you."

Will smiled sadly. "Buffy...I can't believe you were going through all this, and never told me about it."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Déjà vu, much? I seem to remember having a similar conversation, about two years ago in an elevator shaft."

Willow frowned. "I seem to remember that we promised each other then that we'd never not talk again. Guess we need to re-promise, huh?"

Buffy laughed suddenly. "I know, we'll pinkie-swear! Dawn made me do that when I said I wouldn't leave her alone any more."

Willow laughed, and pinkie-swore with her old friend that there'd be no more secrets. And, for a while, they could pretend they were still teenagers, without a care in the world...except saving it occasionally.

Dawn slept fitfully that night. Her dreams were unusually vivid, and strange images flashed through them:

The Scoobies laughing together.

Buffy and Spike...doing things...in a house that came crashing down around them.

Anya and Xander getting married.

Herself, in danskins, in the training room, trading blows with Spike.

Giles' face, looking worried.

And a woman, a vampire...Dawn had only seen her once or twice, but she recognized her.

Drusilla.

The next morning, when she woke up, she went to ask Buffy about her dreams. She was not going to mention the things she'd seen her sister doing with Spike – she'd heard all she needed to the night before.

But the bits about the fighting, and especially her fighting. And about Drusilla. She didn't know if being the Key, or the Slayer's magically-created sister, meant getting prophetic dreams like Buffy did, but those hadn't felt like ordinary dreams.

When she opened her sister's bedroom door, Buffy was sitting up in bed with a strange look on her face. And she was sure she heard her sister say something.

"Effulgent? No way is that a real word."

Dawn asked her what she was talking about, but Buffy ignored her. And then, as they were going down to breakfast, Buffy explained to Dawn what they were going to be doing at the Magic Box that day, and all thoughts of dreams, prophetic and otherwise, went right out of her head.

10 – Hearts Mended, Bodies Bruised, and Warnings Given

Spike had had the idea of starting Dawn on some martial arts training, and he had insisted to Buffy that they get started as soon as possible. She'd wanted to be involved, but although today was a Sunday, which meant that Dawn was off from school, Buffy had to go off to the Palace for a shift at the counter.

Besides, Spike had also insisted that since he had a hundred years' experience on Buffy, he was better qualified to teach.

Which was why, this morning, Buffy was relegated to unlocking the Magic Box to let Dawn in. She had a key, to get to the training room, but Anya had made her swear never to let it out of her sight. And she had the feeling Anya would be extremely unhappy if she gave Dawn her key without asking permission first.

I may be only key-girl this morning, Buffy thought. But that doesn't mean I can't say good morning to my...What is Spike, anyway? After a minute, she figured "boyfriend" was a safe term. My boyfriend. I gotta see him. Gotta...touch him, just to know he's still there. And that I'm still here. Buffy knew she wouldn't be able to leave without at least giving him a good morning...hug? Smooch? She just knew that she needed some contact with him, or she'd never be able to get through the day.

The day. I'll be working, and Spike and Dawn will be...The idea of Dawn in training made her nervous, because she knew what would happen. Dawn had already wormed her way into the research end of being a Scooby. Once she thought she could take care of herself, she'd probably try to join in on patrolling and actual Slayage. Just the thought of Dawn facing off against a vampire or a demon again gave Buffy chills.

But Spike had reminded Buffy that Dawn was growing up – she was the same age that Xander and Willow had been when they had formed the Slayerettes. And then he had the nerve to point out just how useless it was to try to keep a teenage girl from getting out at night – especially in the Summers house. Wouldn't she rather see Dawn become a junior Scooby – a Scrappy? she thought with a grin – instead of seeing her be caught alone with a vampire without the proper training to defend herself?

Buffy knew he was right, but she still wanted to kick him for it.

Then Spike had upped the ante again. "Even if the time for Glory's ritual has gone by, Dawn's still got the Key energy running through her. And crazy folks, or the ones with visions – same soddin' thing, if you ask me, just look at Dru – will spot her a mile away." Then he shuddered. "Bloody Hell, now there's an awful thought – Dru would probably be after Dawn in two seconds! 'Look at the lovely glowing girl, Miss Edith. Wouldn't she make a lovely playmate for you?' Bugger!"

Buffy shuddered herself. Drusilla wasn't nearly as powerful as, say, the Master or Dracula. Even Spike was a more dangerous fighter. But the psychotic, psychic vampire was in a class of wiggy all by herself.

When Buffy opened the door to the Magic Box, towing Dawn, Spike was waiting for them. "Slayer, you're late."

Buffy ran up and hugged him. It amazed him how wonderful it felt for her to just do that, without even thinking about who was watching them. "I know," she murmured into his shoulder, "and I wish I could stay and help out, but I gotta get going. I have to be at the Palace in five minutes, or it'll be back to the Help Wanted ads for Buffy Summers."

Spike growled a little. "I keep telling you, Buffy, that place isn't good for you. You're gonna end up...what's the term they use these days? Going postal? And a postal Slayer is not somethin' I wanna consider."

Buffy sighed. "I tried to explain this to you, Spike. I need the money-" she held up her hand as Spike tried to interrupt. "-from a job, from 'visible means of support.' Those social workers are still on my case, and if I don't have a job, they're gonna wonder where the money's coming from. They'll take Dawn away from me if I don't have the money to take care of her, or if they think I'm doing something like dealing drugs to get it."

Spike hadn't thought of that angle. Vampires made it a point to stay out of official scrutiny. The idea that Buffy had to maintain a "normal" persona in order to keep custody of Dawn had just never occurred to him.

She sighed. "I just wish I could somehow get back to classes at UC Sunnydale. But my salary will only just pay the bills we have now. If I dip into my savings to pay for classes, even at California residents' tuition, I won't have anything if the basement floods again, or another demon comes crashing through the front door."

That made him realize how tough Buffy's situation really was, not as the Slayer, but as a young woman. Willow's parents were pretty well off, and paid all her tuition bills without question...although they didn't seem to have any concern for her well being. He didn't think they even knew she was living at Buffy's house nowadays. Kinda like my own dear Mum and Pop, aren't they? he thought with a snarl.

Xander wasn't going to college, he was working full-time, as was Anya. And Tara-- "Wait a minute, Buffy." He thought. And grinned. "I have an idea. I don't want to get your hopes up just yet, but I may just have a way to kill two birds with one stone."

Buffy pulled back a bit and gave him a look. "What are you up to, Spike? If you get me involved in anything illegal or just plain stupid-"

He held up his hands, trying to look innocent. "I promise, luv, I'll tell you before I do anything. I just need to ask around a bit."

"All right," she muttered suspiciously. Then she looked at the clock, and yelped. "Oh my gosh! I have to go! Bye Spike! Bye Dawn! Seeya at five!"

As Buffy ran out the door and locked it behind her, Spike turned to Dawn and said. "Well, Niblet, let's get you started." He led her to the training room. Let's see what the Slayer's sister's got in 'er!

Sunday at the Palace was pretty quiet, which gave Buffy lots of time to brood. She hated to admit it, but Spike was right. This place was weird, even without wormy, shark-toothed demons...or Manny, she thought ruefully. The old manager had been a Grade-A flake, but he hadn't deserved to be eaten.

Still, it was all she had. She didn't think Spike was really going to be able to do anything to change her situation – after all, his contacts were all in the demon world. No one he knew would hire the Slayer for a job...

Her musings were interrupted by a familiar face. "Xander! What're you doing here on a Sunday?"

"I came to eat lunch with my bestest friend, of course. I'll even pay for my own this time – I'm too old to let my women take care of me."

Buffy had to laugh. "Well, I can take lunch now. Meet ya out back."

Five minutes later, they were munching on Medley Meals at the employee table out back. Xander was saying, "Ever since Willow did her analysis of the Doubleveggie Medley," Xander said with a grin, "Anya's been encouraging me to keep coming here, instead of the other places I used to go to for lunch. 'If you're going to eat junk food, Xander, you should at least eat some that's not all fatty and artery-clogging! I don't want you to have a heart attack at forty-five and leave me alone with two kids and a mortgage!'"

Buffy started to laugh at Xander's imitation of his fiancée, so she didn't realize at first that his face had gone very serious as he continued, "Buffy, there's another reason why I came here. I need to talk to you about something."

Buffy looked up at him. "Sure thing, Xan-man. What's on your mind?"

He put down the sandwich, and looked down at the table a long minute before he answered. "I don't know how to say this, but...Buff, do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

She was confused. "The right thing?"

"Anya. Me. Marriage."

"Oh." Her mouth fell open in shock. "Oh! " Oh God, no. I thought everything was going right in our lives, now! "Are you...having second thoughts?"

"More like third, fourth, and fifth, by now. It's not that I don't love Ahn, I do. I'm pretty sure that I wanna spend the rest of my life with her. But that 'pretty sure' has been getting to me, especially when she brings up the other stuff."

"You mean the two kids and the mortgage deal. God, I know how you feel." She shook her head in sympathy. "The bills, the collection agencies, the paperwork-"

"It's not that, Buff." She looked at him. "I hate to brag, but between my salary and Anya's, we're doing pretty amazingly well. We've looked at two houses we like already, and the mortgage payments would actually be less than the rent I pay on the apartment. Anya's learned how to invest, and has put together a portfolio that – she claims – will allow us to retire by age 50."

"So what's the problem, Xan? I wish I had all your problems!"

"The problem is, Buffy..." He broke off. And bit his lip. He looked like he was on the verge of tears. "Buff, you know what my family was like. Do you think I'm up to being a dad?"

Buffy was shocked. This was the last thing she had expected. "Xander, you're more than up to-" she interrupted.

"No, this is serious, Buffy. Think about it. I may be 'Joe Normal' as far as Sunnydale goes, but that still rates as seriously screwed up. I'm an only child. My parents hate each other – probably only got married 'cause Mom got pregnant – and my aunts and uncles are all so dysfunctional and scary they make Anya's demon friends look normal.

"Of course, that brings up Anya's side. Her human family's been gone for a thousand years. And her demon friends – you think we could ask 'Hallie' to baby-sit while we go out for the evening?

"It's just us! And before you say it, I'm not forgetting you guys. You and Willow are like family. But...I just can't help feeling scared."

Buffy knew there was something he wasn't saying. "Of what, Xander?"

"Of having a kid who'll hate me like I hate my parents."

Buffy really wished she had Spike with her. Not because of what he'd say or do, but she was sure she'd be able to handle this better as full-range-of-human-emotions Buffy. But this was all she had, and Xander looked so lost...She'd never seen him look this bad, not even when...Wait.

"Xander, think about where you were a little over two years ago. Your car was gone, you had no job, you were living in your parents' basement-"

"And this is making me feel so much better, Buff!"<