Latter Days/Lonely Nights

by Willownut

Copyright © 2007

Vcdanab@aol.com

Rating: PG-13
Uber-Setting: 1980's
Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah. Many characters are Joss Whedon's. Yada, yada, yada. No harm intended with the use of these revered characters. Peas and carrots, peas and carrots. Italics are thoughts. For those who could excommunicate me or send me unwanted literature, I wish you no ill will. My thanks to LVK for the use of her song lyrics, you have my deep respect, and I would have asked first if I knew where you were.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse: http://mysticmuse.net
Through the Looking-glass
Feedback: Yes please.
Spoilers: None
Author's Notes: Think 1984 (not the book, the Era).
Webhost's Note: Special thanks goes to Chris Cook of Through the Looking Glass, MKF and Artemis for the graphics, wallpapers and source coding. Thanks, Chris!
Pairing: Willow/Tara

Part 30    Part 31    Part 32    Part 33    Part 34    Part 35    Part 36    Part 37    Part 38    Part 39     Part 40    Part 41     Part 42    Part 43     Part 44    Part 45    Part 46    Part 47   

Part 31
The Meaning of Life

(Day 8 – Thursday, November 15, 1984)

Tara woke up that morning with a smile on her face. She felt light and free, like a huge burden had been lifted. She decided against going to the gym; she wanted some quality journal time. She picked up a few wayward peppers and olives she found on the carpet which were left over from the pizza fling the night before and giggled when she reflected on the Smith-sized veggie-bit collage.

She was content. Tara knew that they probably would not see the other three during breakfast. She wasn't going to gym class, so that would put her ahead of their schedule. Going to gym always slowed Smith down. She laughed silently again. Willow looked so cute flipping toppings at her companion. The events of the night before were still fresh in her mind.

She headed down the hall with her bathroom kit in hand. She rinsed her face and brushed her teeth. The salty taste in the toothpaste reminded Tara of the redhead's revenge for her coldwater caper a few days before. It seemed like a mild response for her prank, but she was grateful that the "punishment" had been light – although, a bit long lasting. The salted peppermint flavor in her mouth was not that bad, so more than anything it made her laugh. It could have been a lot worse. And the little note about being "the salt of the earth" and the reference in red. It was very cute and so totally Willow.

Tara spit. She was floating through her morning routine. She continued with her thoughts. That letter from Donny had really put things into perspective for her. It was straightforward really.

She remembered hearing somewhere once that the meaning of life is simple; find some "thing" that makes you happy and cling to that (or was it "forty- two?" I'm sure Willow will know what that's from). She knew it was more complicated than that, of course, a person couldn't just do one thing all the time, there were chores at home, work, relationships that needed nurturing, issues to resolve and so forth. Distractions were inevitable. Like Willow… Tara had been taught that finding happiness was something found by following all The Church teachings.

The Church itself, as an idea, was an abstract construct; but it was also substantive. It was an organization. It used activities, callings, and church functions to help members develop skills and strengthen relationships. It nurtured familial bonds and social alliances. Being Mormon was to be included in a large fellowship of believers. She enjoyed the feeling of belonging, and she felt the ideals for family togetherness had really helped at home. She wondered what things would have been like for her and her family if it had not been for church ideology.

As far as gratification, it offered at least one "thing" for most people. Tara liked the kids; they brought her joy. Their innocence was refreshing. Her responsibilities with them had given her a lot of confidence. They cared about her. That kind of love and respect was just what she needed once a week to keep her going.

The Church provided structure and routine. As a missionary, that structure and routine was intensified exponentially. Every hour had been accounted for in her day. Her only time to herself was right now, when she was all alone with her thoughts.

Several sisters had trickled in and were beginning their morning routines as well. Tara looked around at the growing number. I wonder if we can get 42 of them in here. Okay that would have only been funny to Willow.

When she was with Willow, Tara felt like she could be herself. She could say what was on her mind. She could make statements today and change her mind tomorrow. There's a freedom in that she thought. I wish Willow were here. Tara looked into the mirror. Is it an exfoliant type of day? Tara moved a little closer to the mirror and felt her skin with her fingers.

"Are you looking for an imaginary pimple?"

Tara was startled. She turned to see Kitchen Shimia looking at her expectantly. "No, just wondering if it was time to exfoliate." She laughed quietly. "Its just so dry here; how do you deal with it?"

"Oh, well, the red rock makes an extraordinary mud mask," Kitchen started to explain, "oh, who am I kidding? You and Rosenberg are the funny ones. I've got nothing."

Tara blushed, "I'm not funny, Rosenberg yeah, she's spunky and quick witted."

"Oh, but you are right there with her. I can't keep up half the time." Kitchen got out her toothbrush. "Oh and, how's the minty freshness?" Kitchen motioned with her head toward Tara's kit as she started brushing her teeth.

Tara turned a few shades redder. She hadn't exactly figured out who was in on the caper and how Willow had gotten a hold of her toothpaste. "Well it's long lasting goodness." Tara gave a fake smile that signaled more her amusement at the prank than anything.

Kitchen saw the look and recognized it immediately. In a few moments, she started again, "Yeah I never would have thought of that." As she finished brushing her teeth, she seemed to be considering something and struggling whether or not to say anything to Tara.

Tara turned back to the mirror but continued to look at Sister Kitchen, "What?"

"Well you know that cold water in the shower thing was pretty big." Kitchen looked back at Tara through the mirror. "I was just thinking that a little salt was a small price to pay." She looked down at her kit and put her items back in and turned to go. "I'd watch your back."

Tara stared after her. Okay, what are they up to now?

Kitchen came back out of the bathroom and caught Willow heading back. She gave her a quick smile and went back into the room. Willow turned and walked in. She saw Tara staring toward the door with a vacant look on her face.

She quickly looked around to check for sets of sister eyeballs; she didn't want to think who might be watching their every move. They were not alone so she'd have to be careful. She gave Tara a quick hello nod and smile. "Ohaiyo!" [Good morning] she said cheerfully. "O genki desu ka?" [Are you well?] She walked toward the sink where Tara still stood.

Tara thought for a few moments and replied, "Ohaiyo gozai masu. Hai, genki desu." [Good morning (more formal), yes, I'm well] Patterning Willow seems the best way to go when my mind is a total blank.

Willow tried another tactic. "Honto ni? Daijobu desu ka?" [Really? Are you ok?]

Tara looked at her kit. Kitchen had unnerved her a little bit. What were they planning? Seeing the redhead, she hadn't expected that bonus. "Sa! Shio ga ari masu." [I have salt] Tara picked up her toothpaste to remind Willow.

"Hai, so desu" [yes, true] Willow was running out of words she could say in rapid succession. She looked at her feet. "nihongo o hanasu koto dai suki desu." [I don't like speaking Japanese] She looked around and said slowly, "demo, minasan ga nihongo o dekimasen." [but, everyone doesn't do Japanese] She winked at Tara, "Wakari masu ka?" [(You) understand?]

Tara saw the gesture and slowly repeated in her mind what Willow had said to her. When she realized what Willow had said a moment of perfect clarity hit her. A huge grin emerged on her face, "Hai, wakari masu, ne." [Yes, (I) understand] Tara winked back and laughed, "Anata ni mucho benkyo ii desu, chica." [much (Spanish) study with you is good, girl (Spanish)]

Willow laughed aloud, "Ja-spanglish?"

"Shhh! Minasan ga wakari masen." Tara thought for a moment, "Bigu Burudu wa Barukurei ni hanashi koto o hoshi desu." [Big bird wants to talk to Barkley] She took a breath, "Bigu Burudu wa Barukurei ni honto ni suki desu, ii desu ka?" Big Bird really likes Barkley, is that good?]

Willow felt like too many words had been thrown at her. She recognized a few, but the sentence made no sense with all the missing definitions. "Nani hoshi?" [What want?]

"Barukurei ni hanashi," [Talk to Barkley] Tara repeated slowly.

Willow tilted her head, Barukurei, nan desu ka?" [What is barukurei?]

Tara leaned over to whisper in Willow's ear, she closed her eyes when she entered her personal space. "Barkley." Tara waited a beat. "I want to talk to Barkley." She then repeated the last sentence for Willow as she backed away. "Bigu Burudu wa Barukurei o honto ni suki desu."

Willow licked her lips and then bit the bottom one. Even in another language she's…don't think it. Oh, who am I kidding? I already thought it. Yum!

Willow's thoughts gave her away. The raw emotion and need on her face was almost too much for Tara who stood looking at the girl. "I'd better go." Tara's resolve was breaking and her voice cracked.

"Yeah," Willow's inflection showed similar strain. Willow watched as Tara left. Once she'd turned the corner, Willow headed back to her own room as well.

"It should get there today, right?" Kitchens questioned Willow.

"Yeah, I think so," she gathered up her notebooks. "Might not though, just never know."

"But you want to go and spy, right?" Smith Shimai inquired. "'Cause, this should be good, although I haven't figured out what to do with you yet…" Smith Shimai looked at Willow. She was trying to convey her annoyance, but it wasn't working. The food fight had been a good stress reliever and clearly, Rosenberg and Maclay meant no malice. Until then, she hadn't fully appreciated the planning that the redhead had done to get even with Maclay.

"She doesn't always open them right away. But we can go." Willow stood up to leave. "If we see them, we just need to make sure and leave a little space so she doesn't think we're watching." She felt bad for her part in the next phase of her get even with Tara plot, but she knew Tara would take it stride.

Smith and Kitchen quickly gathered their things and they exited the classroom together.

"Well I did my thing," Kitchen beamed proudly. She'd never been part of any plot or scheme before and it was kind of fun. "Plus the name is catchy, Operation Wet Red Revenge. It's classic."

The girls headed out toward the cafeteria. Brand new green bean missionaries were arriving which meant that lunch would be more crowded than their leisurely breakfast that morning. Smith was the first to spot the other three, and they quickly fell in line behind them. When the others turned the corner, Smith raced to the wall and peered around it. Willow was secretly amused at the display. This was good for them to all come together this way.

Once in position, the three all peeked around the wall; Kitchen went high, Smith in the middle and Willow below. Conley and Colson walked ahead, and appeared to be talking amongst themselves while Tara opened the small door and took out a letter. She ripped the smaller end and tried to pull out the note within. It seemed stuck so she blew at the paper.

Tara knew immediately that she'd made a colossal blunder. In a split second she thought, Never ever underestimate Willow. Her eyes began to water profusely and her nose tingled. She was helpless to stop it. The sneeze erupted with such force another volley of pepper blew out of the envelope from the blast of air that exploded from Tara.

"There she blows!" Smith yelled.

Tara turned toward the noise just as another sneeze over took her. And another. After her fifth sneeze, the three sisters had made it over to add comfort to the struggling blonde.

Willow smiled as she handed tissues to Tara. She put on her best toothy grin and said nothing. Tara sneezed again as she looked at the adorable redhead. She held up her hand, but was unable to say anything as another sneeze threatened. "We can" sneeze, "go eat," Tara managed to get out. "Bud I'm mayging sure you geb rib of thoth," several quick breaths, "shaygers," sneeze.

Conley and Colson erupted in a fit of laughter. Kitchen and Smith realized that the damage already had been done. And Willow simply smiled. "Okay," she volunteered. She's so gonna hate me.

The girls headed over toward the cafeteria after everyone checked their mailboxes. Willow wasn't surprised hers was empty, and she decided to stop looking. She would check it on p-day instead. That way there was only one day of disappointment a week instead of six. The sisters started out in rows of three, but eventually they ended up in their normal pairings.

Tara walked quietly beside Willow, "Eigo de hanashi mo ii desu ka? [May I speak English?]

Willow replied quickly, "Hai dozo o nagai shimasu." [Yes, go ahead please]

Tara lowered her voice and slowed down a little to allow the others some space ahead. "I-I can't believe you did that."

"Oh, I did that days ago, before, you know." Willow was unable to convey her reference point without potentially alerting the others.

"No, I didn't mean it like that, not that you did it, that you found a way to do that." Tara tried to clear her head by shaking it a little. "How did you know? How did you do that." They had arrived at the cafeteria and were making their way through the line.

"Oh," Willow started to reply about technique and then realized exactly what Tara was asking. "OH, well, um, okay, I've been watching you." She took a little breath, "For days."

Tara raised an eyebrow in reply.

"I saw the way one of your letters was opened; it was on your desk." She continued, "When you don't raise a flap, then there's only a couple ways to get it out. If the paper is folded just right, it will mold against the form of the inside, plus a little tape never hurt." Tara didn't seem mad at all. "But once the letter was sent, there was no way to get it back. Event in motion, you know."

"Uh huh," Tara anticipated babble, but really didn't get it, "And my shoes this morning? When were you in my room?"

"Well, um that was actually this morning, when Kitchen Shimai was distracting you." Willow knew she was busted, but it still felt okay. There were no long-term effects, except for the salty toothpaste.

"Well you know this isn't over, right?" Tara prodded. They were now almost through the food line.

Willow was a little apprehensive, but the pranks were working out in their favor, it was better than companion-inventory with Smith. She simply nodded.

As they were walking over to find a table, Tara started again. "And I wanted to ask you a question." Tara seemed hesitant, but Willow coaxed her with her eyes. She continued, "I was thinking about the meaning of life this morning before you came into the bathroom."

Willow broke into her best English accent, "It is a tiny little wafer, sir."

Tara laughed and quirked an eyebrow, "well…," She held out the word. "No…I haven't heard that one before.

They had arrived and took a seat seating across from each other. They didn't even notice they hadn't paid attention to their companions. Willow's simple reply was met with another crooked smile, "Oh, pity."

"You will tell me about that in a minute." Tara responded and then she continued. "I couldn't think why I knew this but I thought the answer was 42."

Willow gave a quick burst of laughter. "Yes, but what's the question?"

Tara looked at her, "I told you; what's the meaning of life? I thought maybe it had something to do with the 'Mikey, he likes it' guy from Life cereal commercial."

Willow saw where she was going. "No, not the Life cereal commercial," She gave a patented Willow smile. "The answer and the question can never both be known at the same time. If they were both known it would destroy the universe and something even more bizarre would be created."

Tara gave a funny little rabbit face showing her front teeth and furrowed her brow, "What?"

"It's from the Hitchhiker's Guide, you know," Willow nodded, "The meaning of Life is 42, but we can't know the question or the world as we know it would be destroyed. And that would be of the bad." Willow concluded her lecture. "And now, we must continue in Nihongo, or we will not be able to speak…" She looked around, "in front of everyone." She gave a little wink and a smile. "We have mucho studying to do. Tonight?"

"Hai," was all Tara needed to say. It was a date.

Part 32
The Wait of the World

(Day 8 – Thursday, November 15, 1984)

When the door opened in the classroom, all eyes turned to see who was coming to visit. The woman hastily glanced at a paper in her hand and glimpsed at the girls' nametags. She handed Tara a note and left as quickly as she'd come. Tara palmed the pink memo and scanned the words. Then she checked her watch. She didn't have much time. A feeling washed over her; she just wasn't sure what it was. There was no time to prepare; she just had to get through the next several minutes.

As her mind began to process the implications of the note, the room seemed to cloud over and grow distant like everything had been sent down a tunnel. The words coming from the instructor sounded a little like Charlie Brown's teacher. The thought amused her for a moment as she impersonated the noise in her head. Wa wa wa wa wa wa. The small grin disappeared as quickly as it had come. Focus Tara! What was it Willow had said? "We need to accept whatever obstacles are placed in our path. If we have faith we can make it through." She whispered a wordless prayer for wisdom, strength and guidance.

She silently motioned to the girls that they should join her. She wasn't sure when she would return, so she motioned with her head toward the clock on the wall, and shrugged meekly. Conley caught on quickly and decided to gather her things. Tara followed suit, as did Colson. They headed out the door and out into the hall.

"Maclay Shimai?" Colson asked. She showed concern in her voice. She'd never seen anyone get a note during class, let alone be called out of one. She was seriously troubled. Conley matched concern, but didn't have anything worthwhile to add so she remained quiet.

"Wakari masen," [don't know] was all Tara could say.

They traveled in silence toward the front of the building. There were many new missionaries arriving and it was absolute chaos. Conley and Colson held back allowing Tara a little privacy in case she needed it. Tara approached the desk alone and handed the slip of paper to the woman behind the counter. Then she waited.

The woman scanned the note, nodded and handed it back to Tara. "Keepsakes," the woman smiled warmly. She reached for the phone and pressed a button. Tara presumed she had just announced her presence. "You may go sit in the lounge," she smiled up at the three girls again and gestured down the hall.

The three walked slowly down the hall. Conley was first to speak. "Sore wa 'kipuseki' nara ba, ii desu ka." [If that is a keepsake, it is good?]

"Yosh!" [great!] Tara beamed at Conley for using the new "if" sentence structure they had learned that morning.

Conley tilted her head when she heard the exclamation from Tara. She rarely sensed that level of enthusiasm from the girl and wondered if she was nervous. She pointed to the chairs, "dozo." [go ahead] The three took a seat in the lounge to wait.

The girls had taken the chairs across from her. She suspected they wanted to gauge her mood, to see if she was nervous. She actually was, but she didn't want them to see that. She glanced down at her pile of books, let her hair fall and let her mind drift.

She assumed this meeting had something to do with the note she'd left earlier. She couldn't actually remember if it was yesterday or the day before. She knew right now that she wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything of substance. She grabbed her notebook and a pencil. She opened to the last few pages and read over her recent comments. It was covered with Willows. A plethora of Willows. Tara smiled at the thought. She absentmindedly started to doodle. She tried to reconstruct the past few days in her mind.

She had arrived a week ago and met Willow. Willow had been so cute babbling that first day and then when she tried so hard to use the chopsticks only to realize that peas, carrots, and mashed potatoes might be her undoing. There was just something about her; Willow excited her on a different level than anyone had before. Then that night they had talked and gone back to Willow's for some "light" scripture study. Tara had sensed right away that she and Willow had a connection.

Tara reflected back. It had been instantaneous with them. Their first full day at the MTC, Willow had socked Sister Smith in the nose. She'd gone by that night under the auspices of study, but really, she just wanted to check on Willow after the debacle of a day she had had. The pranks she was currently enjoying from Willow started from her decision the morning of the third day.

It was that third day they were set apart. That was the last time she sat in this room. Willow had admitted she was looking at Tara. The attraction between them was obvious and she wondered if any of the others suspected things were heating up between them. Tara couldn't remember why they hadn't had their thumb-wrestling match yet, but maybe that was better. Holding hands with Willow might lead to other things…

Was it really only the third day they had all posed for that picture? The feeling of Willow stretched in front of her on the bed for their six sister's pose came to mind. Tara closed her eyes as warmth washed over her. She allowed the event to progress to its conclusion in her mind. She chuckled quietly at the image of Colson diving across the bed. The moment was bittersweet. Touching Willow was never long enough, but the intensity of the girl's eyes immediately following their de-spooning – that look permeated her soul.

Sunday, that had been the infamous cold water on Willow day. It was another moment pushing her into forbidden territory. She hadn't taken Sacrament that day. She had struggled, she remembered, with her internal conflicts throughout the day. That night she'd learned about Willow's color coding system. Was that the chocolate cake analogy day? She didn't really remember much except how impressed she was with the way the other girl's mind worked.

The fifth day: that was p-day. She hadn't really spent that much time with Willow, but the nighttime…she always looked forward their evenings together. As she tried to reconstruct the day's events, she remembered how Willow had been stuck in the front row with the other sisters in their Devotional. They ended up at the vending machine that night, or was that technically the beginning of the sixth day? Oh well, at least I waited an appropriate interval before I kissed her. Tara laughed at herself. Oh, who am I kidding, I wanted to claim those lips the first day I met her. She's just so…

Okay, so that kiss led to our rules and the note I left on Wednesday – which was yesterday…Wednesday was also Donny's letter and pizza. It was when I read Donny's letter I realized just how much my heart revolves around her. Tara glanced at her little drawing and laughed. She hadn't realized how deep her feelings were for the redhead. That letter from Donny and his words of wisdom were an inspiration to her.

Tara knew only a few things. She couldn't deny her feelings and she could not betray Willow. There was a little conflict however. Temple membership required purity in thought and in deed. She knew her mission was simply an extension of those vows. As she pondered her situation, she continued with her doodling. It could be about something else. The fact that she was worried about a Willow discussion made her realize that it still was an issue. For about the one hundredth time that day Tara repeated her new mantra: What would Willow do?

Ha! Panic! That's what she'd do. She'd think of all the dire consequences. In Willow's world, that pink paper might be the last keepsake she would have. She would want to give Tara a reminder of why she was leaving. The thought saddened her, she didn't really believe it could be that bad, they hadn't really done anything too drastic, but Tara knew in her heart, she had wanted more of Willow than a few discrete kisses. If it was about intent and she talked about it, she could be in trouble.

What was she really worried about? As she mulled over her recent thought process she realized it didn't have anything to do with Willow at all. Tara knew she didn't have much more time before she would have to meet with the Mission President to discuss her concerns, but she really didn't feel apprehension anymore. She was hopeful. Willow and she had made a plan. They were following the rules and everything. She thought that perhaps she'd jumped the gun making an appointment to see the Mission President. When the door to the office opened, Tara stood up with confidence. Just like any other interview. Just pretend you're talking to dad.

When the door closed behind her, Colson and Conley just looked at each other.

"I'd love to be a fly on the wall on that one, and I feel bad about that just so you know." Colson admitted.

"Yeah," Conley shook her head, "Me too, but she'll be fine." Conley considered for a moment. "She has us, and we'll be there for her no matter what."

That comment earned Conley a second glance. Colson hadn't really run through all the different reasons why Tara would be called to the office, but she was suddenly more than a little concerned. "Gosh, I hope everything at home is okay."

"I think we just need to be strong for her and give her whatever she needs. If she wants to talk to us about anything, we need to be ready to listen, and if she doesn't we can't push." Conley looked back to her study books that had kept her distracted while they had been waiting. "Benkyo vokabu?" [Study 'vocab?']

Colson laughed, "These green beans are going to have no idea that we can't really speak Japanese – that we just add "u"s to the ends and other vowels in between to everything. And that thing with the semi silent "u" that's totally cool." She chuckled a little bit more, "and in your case, you go so fast even in English, they'll never have any idea you aren't fluent in Japanese." She was still giggling for a few seconds after her comment.

"Right," Conley held out the word, "We have a long way to go, and I bet when we get there, it will still feel like it did yesterday in class. Totemo wakari masen." [Totally, do not understand.]

"Totemo," [Totally] Colson said in confirmation. She giggled again, "We sound like a bunch of little Japanesey Rosenberg Shimais. Shimai, shimai tachi" Colson made a faced when she confused herself, "Is that plural?"

Conley was stuck for a moment, "No, not plural. It's just implied – like sheep." Conley distracted herself for a moment trying to come up with another English equivalent. "English is weird," she finally concluded.

"Fer sure." Colson chose another California beach phrase she'd heard once or twice when the redhead mocked the language styles of the teens in her state. The conversation tapered off.

"Shitsumon ga ari masu." [I have a question] Colson broke the short silence.

"Hai, dozo,"[yes, go ahead] Conley waited while Colson tried to work through the wording. Conversations often came to a screeching halt when Japanese was required.

"Rosenberg Shimai to Maclay Shimai wa…doshite no doryo desu ka?" [Sister Rosenberg and Sister Maclay…(she meant) why are they not companions?] Colson did the best she could to convey the question properly, she knew it was probably wrong…but maybe Conley would get it…She hoped. They were all trying so hard to speak Japanese, but it was tough.

Conley looked at Colson and easily interpreted her meaning. "Wakari nai," [Don't know] She chuckled a little, "Sore wa misuturi desu." [It's a mystery (English with Japanese flavoring)]

The girls fell into a comfortable silence. And waited.

Tara finally exited the office and nodded to her companions that it was ok to go. It was too late to go back to class so they headed over to the cafeteria to get a jump on the dinner crowd. Tara said nothing as they walked back to the dining area. The fog she'd experienced earlier that day had returned. She needed time to process what had just happened. She felt numb.

Tara flashed back to a pre-mission interview she had with her Bishop. It was the same warm smile and handshake, "Hello sister, what can I do for you?" It was such a benign question, so disarming and serene. She wondered why they didn't ever ask how she was. When her Bishop looked at her, it seemed as though he knew everything about her, all her strengths and weakness rose to the surface for him to see. She always felt transparent with him. She couldn't lie.

She thought back to the proverbial kindly gesture toward the chair on the "passenger's side" of the desk. The chair was always a little less comfortable; she felt off balance. They seemed so majestic in their own chairs as though they had a mantel of authority not given to regular people. Tara was on a ride and she wasn't driving. This wasn't a roller coaster ride, this was a high-speed street race with hay bale barriers, scenery and possibly funny round goggled thrill seekers steering their old-fashioned sports cars.

She didn't even remember walking back from the office, through the line, or sitting down with her companions. She was waiting for the cloud cover to lift, for reality to shift back into place. She looked down at her food selection: a small salad, corn and spaghetti. She couldn't understand what had prompted her to put the Russian dressing on the greens. She'd never even tried that kind before.

She barely noticed when the room started filling up and a bubbly redhead sat down directly across from her. Colson had moved over to let her take the seat in front of the quiet blonde. Tara was picking at her corn when something green landed in the center of the pile. The little wayward pea broke her trance almost immediately. Tara didn't realize that Conley and Colson had saved room for the other three to join them or that they had signaled to Willow to come over.

Tara was hiding behind her hair. She didn't really look up to see where the pea had come from; rather she scanned the trays around her to see who had selected them for a list of suspects. Seeing no peas except for those on the tray in front of hers, she quickly glanced to see if it might have been intentional. The first thing she saw was a beaming smile.

Tara motioned to her pea and abbreviated her question, "Nan desu ka?" [What is it?]

Willow thought as quickly as she could and said quickly, "Riro pi ni korun kurunaru desu." [It's a Willow pea (English) with/on corn kernel(s) (English)]

Tara didn't recognize anything Willow said and she looked frustrated. Willow sensed her distress immediately. She locked eyes with Tara, "Watakushi no pi." [My pea] When Willow said pi, she winked at Tara. Tara looked like she was catching on. "Riro" she lowered her eyelids a little bit to denote this was a personal message. "Riro pi," she watched Tara look back down at her tray. "Riro pi ni tera no korun kurunaru." [Willow pea on Tara's corn kernel(s)]

"Oh," Tara picked up the pea with her chopsticks, "Arigato. Riro pi ga suki desi." [Thanks. I like Willow pea.] Tara had replied almost absentmindedly which earned some concern from Willow, but she was undaunted.

"So," Willow began after a moment, "nani ui desu ka?" [What is up?] She grinned when she said the sentence fluidly. "We learned directions today." Willow was about to bounce herself right off the bench. "I kinda practiced that in my head a few times." She admitted. "I couldn't wait to try it out on you." Willow blushed a little.

Conley was watching the exchange with interest deliberately not listening or rather trying to translate the dialog mentally. She knew if she were upset, seeing the girl would probably make her feel better. Willow was almost cheerful to a fault. With Maclay, it always seemed to have the desired effect.

Tara finally lifted her head and looked toward Willow. When Willow got a good look at her, she was mortified. Something had upset her Tara. Every instinct told her to reach out and touch her, but she was across the table. They were not alone. She couldn't think of a thing to say. After a little internal debate, she realized showing appreciation was all she could do.

"Pi? [pea?] Tara watched as Willow carefully picked up one pea. She held it up with her chopsticks as if in offering. Willow quickly glanced at her chopsticks and the lone pea she held carefully between the two pieces of wood and then stared back to Tara's eyes. "Arigato – por la ohashi lecciones." [Thanks – for the (Spanish) chopstick lessons (Spanish)] Willow hoped the poor use of her new-patented Jaspanglish would meet Tara's approval. She wasn't disappointed.

As the half smile slowly emerged on Tara's face, Willow beamed with joy. Eigo de hanashi mo ii desu ka? [Is it okay to speak English?] Willow really wanted to communicate with her girl, and even in her best Jaspanglish, she knew too much meaning would be lost. She needed all of her skills to perk up Tara.

"Hi, dozo." Tara agreed.

"I'm really glad you smiled, because I wondered how good my aim would have been – ohashi de." [by chopstick] Willow glanced briefly toward the proposed target and smiled. "You know I still need to get even for that mushroom incident after our doryo inventory." Willow licked her lips unconsciously and her tongue poked out between her teeth.

Tara blushed. She dropped her head again to concentrate on her spaghetti.

Willow looked at Tara's food selection. As Tara lifted a grouping of noodles up to her mouth, Willow commented quietly, "Pretty color scheme."

Tara's eyes drifted around her tray to review her food selection as she was putting the noodles in her mouth. When she realized what Willow had seen, she grinned, and slurped a wayward noodle. A drip of red flew toward Willow from the whiplash. When the noodle whipped back around, it caught Tara on the chin living a tiny line of red sauce.

Tara looked up at Willow.

Willow was in the process of touching a spot on her cheek just under her eye. She looked at her finger and realized what had happened. After a quiet snicker, Willow looked around at the others who were all engrossed in their food. She gave Tara a half grin of her own and sucked on her finger. Then she nodded toward Tara with her chin. She motioned with her finger onto her own chin, but Tara appeared to be confused. After a few attempts mirroring personal sauce removal, Willow finally reached over and wiped the red away. She glanced around again to ensure she had a modicum of privacy and licked her thumb. "What? Five second rule should apply there."

Tara blinked. No matter what, she always makes me smile. Tara shook her head, closed her eyes for a moment and resumed eating. I really need to talk to her, but it can wait.

Part 33
Consequences

Day 8 – Thursday, November 15, 1984)

Willow sat quietly in the lounge area waiting for Tara to finish getting ready for their study "date." She could tell at dinner that something was bothering Tara, but she wasn't able to talk to her then. It was so easy for Willow get lost in her own thoughts. She didn't want to think up too many scenarios but her mind had a will of its own. It would only take one thought to spark the internal Willow babble. She had to concentrate. No babble. She scolded herself.

If I get all panicky, I won't be able to help Tara when she comes over. I can't work myself into a frenzy that would be bad.

She took a deep cleansing breath and tried to run through her lessons while she recopied her notes. Today had been directions, some verb forms and if/then…She wasn't sure what color if/then should be. As she glanced over her color scheme, arranged in progressive order yellow through blue, she finally settled on a color. Okay, let's see, sentences with If/then. If Tara's still upset, then what?

When Tara arrived, she smiled. Willow looked like a little girl sitting at the coffee table. She was concentrating on something and tapping her orange pencil. Her tongue was out just a little as she studied the text. Tara flashed for a moment they'd been sitting together with Willow absorbed by her "art." The rudimentary little picture certainly served its purpose. She wouldn't have remembered her own rules so clearly without them. The last time she'd sat in the same place, she too was making art, this time for Willow, an expression of love for her. Tara closed her eyes for a moment. This might be hard. She had to make sure Willow didn't feel betrayed.

When she felt strong enough she opened her eyes. Willow was wearing her flannel pajama top and a pair of sweat pants. Safety first; good job Willow. She admired Willow for sticking to the plan. Tara was also wearing a pair of sweat pants and her jersey shirt. The temperature in the lounge was always cool enough that her sweats were a better choice than her actual sleep wear. She felt a slight chill and wished she'd brought her zip up sweatshirt along just in case.

The flannel top reminded Tara of the prior evening. The events of pizza night seemed clearer in her mind today. Some days moments with Willow seemed more real. She recalled leaning to look at Willow's topping list and she realized just how strong the attraction must be for Willow. Willow's quiet gasp of breath, the look, and the intensity she felt from the girl. It was so much to absorb. She remembered holding her own breath and trying to remain steady so she didn't' let on to the others that there was something bubbling between them. She wondered if that was guilt or fear.

Willow looked up and saw Tara watching her. A gentle smile appeared and she blinked slowly taking in the vision before her. Except for a wayward hair or two captured by a single bobby pin, Tara's hair was down. Her hair rested loosely around her shoulders. It looked soft and recently brushed. It framed her face and in the muted illumination of the evening dorm light, gave her a radiant glow. How does she do that? Every time I look at her, she takes my breath away. Willow unconsciously covered her heart with an open hand. She stood up to welcome the girl.

Tara saw the gesture and tried to minimize the significance of the gentle movement but she was finding it hard. Willow had pulled her hair back in a ponytail, her features accentuated by a few loose hairs that fell forward across her brow and the contours of red hair and sun freckled skin. Even in the yellowed light of the lounge area, Tara could see the sparkle of love and hope in Willow's eyes. Tara wanted to rush and close the distance between them, but that wouldn't be a wise course of action if she wanted to remain true to her goal. Instead, she smiled warmly and returned the token of affection.

Tara took a breath and bit softly on her lower lip. She'd never really done that before, but Willow did it so often when she was around her, it seemed like her own mannerism. The pressure registered how sensitive her lips felt and she sucked on them for a moment. She puffed out her cheeks and let go of her lips in a small flourish. Just seeing Willow caused so many new sensations for her, sensitive lips not withstanding.

Willow stood watching Tara run through some sort of lip calisthenics and she chuckled. Willow's dimples appeared first and a closed mouth smirk emerged shortly there after. The expression was interrupted by Willow's question, "You just gonna stand there, or you gonna get your butt over here to study?" The transformation was instantaneous as Willow's face erupted with cheerful enthusiasm. Willow's tongue poked out between her teeth in jest. A wide grin replaced the closed mouth smile.

Without a word or moments hesitation, Tara walked over to the couch, set her things down and turned to face Willow. There was so much she wanted to say. She didn't know where to start.

"Kon ban wa." [Good evening] she said after a brief silence. She dropped her hands to her sides and bowed slightly from the waist. She lowered her head and closed her eyes in reverence. After a few seconds, she returned her gaze to the gleaming green eyes fixed upon her.

Willow responded in kind, "Kon ban wa," and returned the obeisance. She remained downcast a bit longer than Tara had. Truth be told, she was taking a moment to think what to do. Was Tara setting a tone, or was she simply practicing her skills? So many questions. So many angles to consider. She was unnerved.

Before she had completely lifted her gaze, Willow said mostly to herself, "Wish I was psychic."

Tara, still looking at the top of Willow's head, registered the softly spoken words. She sat down on the couch and glanced down at the hem on her Jersey sleeve. She noticed a spot on her sweat pants too and decided to study that later if needed. She considered the comment and decided to respond, "That's probably not such a good idea."

The answer startled Willow a little. She shook her head as if to clear the inner cobwebs. She realized she really needed to listen and Willow babble was not an option. Willow remained standing for a moment and then slowly took a seat. Her heart was aching and she didn't know what to say. She blinked a few times and started carefully. "If I say anything, then I might ramble. And I don't want to drown you in my prattle, so I'm going to try to be quiet."

Tara's eyes felt heavy, but she also was a little amused, "Just how many synonyms are there for babble?"

"Oh, it depends on whether you're including adjective form or just nouns or verbs, although some of the verbs I don't think should count and I'd have to disagree on some of the words they use as synonyms. If you're going strictly by word count in a book or something, I think there were about 20 or so under each category and there is some duplication across lines of speech so I wouldn't count those anyway. And some of the connotations of the so-called synonyms don't actually capture what it is that I do, so Willow babble may need to be patented and redefined by more modern lexicographical works. I usually stick with three to four so I have proper variety in conversations but not more so I don't appear stuffy, because you know if you use lots of different words for the same thing, sometimes people just think you're showing off or too smart for them. Of course, the fact that I actually looked it up, probably means something anyway, so maybe that's not good." Willow furrowed her brow as she considered the implication. She looked up to see a gleaming- eyed Tara with a crooked smile staring back at her. "You did that on purpose didn't you?"

"Now why would you say that?" Tara feigned innocence.

Willow frowned. "You knew I was trying not to babble so I could listen to you and you just went right ahead and revved it up. It's like it's easy for you or something." She stopped for a moment and continued when Tara didn't respond right away. "I wanted to find out about your day, you seemed upset earlier and I was worried. That's why I wanted psychic powers, or at least a little empathy, so I'd know, you know?"

Tara's answer was short but full of kindness, "What do you want to know?"

Willow put on her best resolve face. Tara could tell Willow was going to be trying not to speak more than was needed. "Everything, but specifically…what happened today?" Willow sucked in her lips as if she was attempting to hold her words from escaping.

Tara was torn. She didn't feel ready to have the conversation with Willow. She was afraid she would upset her. Willow's reaction was important, so she needed to be careful that she didn't push Willow in the wrong direction. She took a small breath and really looked at the girl. Willow's eyes were beseeching, and loving, and showed concern that she'd never felt from anyone else, not even her family. Willow wanted inside. That's what she had meant by wanting to be psychic. "It would be easier without words." Tara said quietly to herself.

"What would be easier without words?" Willow wanted Tara to come back from whatever place she had gone.

"I had a meeting today." Tara began but faltered. Where was that spot? Tara looked down at her sweat pants. She secretly hoped Willow would latch on and be lost to the internal babble so she'd have more time. She was disappointed.

"And?" Willow dipped her head low enough to catch Tara's eye as she looked for the invisible spot on her pants. She looked up at Tara from below and begged her silently to continue. She motioned with her fingers to her lips that she was locking them and put the imaginary key in the pocket of her flannel top. She patted the pocket, but when she felt the sensation, she blushed a little realizing she was touching herself in front of Tara. She repeated the question, "And?"

"I had a meeting today with President Shepherd…" Tara watched Willow's face as she processed the information before she continued. Willow appeared to be in shock, so she waiting until she could tell Willow would hear her. After Willow made a quiet grunting noise, Tara knew she was ok to proceed. "I just thought I should talk some things over that I was concerned about."

Willow's voice was barely audible and she began looking for invisible lint on her sweats. "What kind of things?"

Tara could tell Willow was struggling to make sense of her declaration. "Well, initially I thought I should talk to him about my feelings," Tara paused again and dropped her voice, "for you."

Willow was flabbergasted. She closed her eyes and waited for the other shoe to fall. Okay Willow this is so "not about you" right now. You have to be strong for Tara. Time to put on the supporto girl hat. Suck it up. Willow opened her eyes, but didn't look up. She had so many questions she wanted to ask, but she was afraid of the answers. All she could squeak out was, "oh."

Tara searched Willow's countenance for some way to talk this through so it wouldn't upset her. She started straightway, "Initially." She reached out and touched one of Willow's fingers, "But…events in motion, you know?" She rubbed her thumb across Willow's knuckle. "Like the pepper." Willow's stare turned to watch the gentle fingers touching her hand. She was thankful for the contact; it was a necessary distraction for her.

"I've always been taught there are two ways to deal with things: active and reactive." Tara continued, "Some people are reactive and by then it's too late to change the course of certain events. You may get into situations you're not prepared to handle. If you are active, you can plan and consider consequences before you're in a position where you have to react. That's why our rules are so important.

"So when I sent the note to meet with President Shepherd, my thought was that he could offer me some direction in how to work through this challenge." Tara moved her hand a little to capture a second finger. "…our challenge." Tara claimed another finger. "I didn't expect…" Tara wavered in her resolve.

Willow, still concentrating on both the touch and the words, realized that Tara seemed anxious. She felt unusually calm, so she was glad for that. She looked up to see Tara had let her hair fall in front of her face. With her free hand, she tucked the hair back behind Tara's ear. She wondered if Tara wished she had not worn the bobby pin so the blond curtain would have hidden her completely. "You didn't expect what?" She whispered.

Several moments passed before Tara began again. "When I was sitting there, I looked around the room, ya know." Tara had found a distraction of her own. "His name is Howard."

"Whose name is Howard?" Willow was a little confused, "President Shepherd?"

"Yeah." Tara waited a bit and then resumed her current train of thought. "I kept looking at his name while he was discussing my "problem." I was rearranging the letters and stuff, like a game."

"Oh, like spoonerisms?" Willow offered. She sensed the need to break as well.

"What?" Tara finally looked up.

"Spoonerisms, you know, Howard Shepherd would be Showard Hepherd. Showered. Hah." Willow had amused herself.

"Well, no, but that was kind of funny considering how much trouble I've had with showers since I met you." Tara was embarrassed at her admission and quickly moved on. "Actually, I was thinking: "How hard?"…"Shep hard," like it was a commercial for luggage or something. Then I was thinking about the irony that he was like a sheepherder, which is fine and biblical and stuff, but I know a thing or two about sheep. They are smart, but they are followers – they are reactive." Tara let the comment sit for a minute. "And we are supposed to be sheep?"

Willow was torn, the study girl wanted to find all the references for Tara so she could put her mind at ease, but she resisted the urge. She searched through her mental database. Sheep better than goats, beware of wolves in sheep's clothing, scripture chase reference that there are other sheep, feed my sheep as a missionary it is a directive, I am the good shepherd. "Yes, I believe within the context of the gospel that as a metaphor, sheep are good."

"Huh, as a metaphor, okay." Tara filed the thought and continued. "When I was sitting in the lounge waiting, I kept wondered what I would talk about. When I made the request, I hadn't read the letter from Donny. I thought what I was thinking was wrong, that I was just being weak and this was just a distraction from the work."

Willow frowned at Tara's last comment.

"No, not about you. Well, not you exactly." Tara wanted to clarify, "I thought I was just being weak, and breaking rules, and then trying to justify it." Tara looked down again as if just to pause, "I couldn't even go a few hours after we made our rules…"

"Tara, we've done really well. That was the only time, you know, since that first time." Willow defended Tara.

"But that day I made the request because I didn't want to stop." Tara added.

"But you did stop. You walked away, and it was just a little, it wasn't bad." Willow took another breath but before she could continue, Tara cut her off.

"I didn't stop." She looked right into Willow's eyes and grabbed the last finger taking possession of Willow's whole hand, "In my heart I never stop." The last sentence came out as a whisper.

"Oh," It took a minute for Tara's comment to register. "OH!" The second oh came out much louder and the look of shock was apparent on Willow's face. Willow felt the blush radiate from her cheeks, down her neck and beyond.

"So I thought I should talk about the content of my heart." The phrase was not lost on Willow. "I guess I just didn't expect all the questions, all the assumptions from him." Tara trailed off as if remembering the conversation.

"What did he say?" Willow placed her other hand over Tara's, which was still holding hers.

"He said God judges the thoughts and intents of the heart, and that this is a test, and if I remain on this path regardless of my actions, that I could face challenges with my temple membership. And if I act on these feelings I could be sent home and excommunicated. At least that's what I got from it." Tara held tightly to Willow's hand. She felt like Willow was her anchor.

Willow repeated the words Tara had said several times in her mind. "What did you say?" Willow managed to squeak out.

"Well after I heard "regardless of my actions" I was kind of speechless." Tara placed her second hand along with her first so they were joined together. "But when he said that what I feel isn't real, that only real love is between a man and a woman, well, I kind of lost it."

"He said that?" Willow was stunned. "I can't believe he said that." Willow tried to process what President Shepherd had told Tara, "Oh Tara, I'm so sorry. What happened next?"

"He wants to see me again next week. And I know he's going to ask all those questions again." Tara looked down, "I know the answers he wants to hear."

Willow was afraid to ask what the questions were, let alone the answers, so she remained silent for a few moments.

"Tara," Willow tried her best to be strong as she said the rest of her thought, but her intent was clear, "Whatever you need me to do for you I will."

Tara was finally able to tell Willow, "I'm not supposed to see you." She let the words sit between them and watched Willow closely as she processed the words.

After what seemed like several minutes, Willow still hadn't responded. Tara wondered if Willow was lost in babble and needed a rescue. "Are you okay?"

Willow jutted out her bottom jaw and then stated without much conviction, "Well, currently I'm busy being trying-not-to-whimper Willow." She took a shaky breath. She knew what she had promised, but she didn't expect that she wouldn't be able to see Tara. She wasn't prepared for that.

"Come on." Tara removed her hands and patted Willow's leg. Then she stood up. Willow assumed their study date was over so she started to get her things. "No leave those, we'll be back." She firmly gripped Willow's nearest hand and helped her up. Willow was surprised when she didn't let go and led her slowly around the table and out of the lounge area.

Instead of going down the hall toward Tara's room, they went the shorter distance toward Willow's door at the opposite end of the hall. Tara turned the corner and took Willow on the other side of the dorms. "Donny always says you should take different routes to places. I never understood why though. I think he would have been a good explorer – well if there was anything new left to find."

Willow was committed, so she didn't object, but she was puzzled by the conversation and the adventure. "Well there are always new things to see in places you've never been." That was the only thing she could think to say.

"That's right." Tara suddenly turned at a door and opened it. "You've never been here before."

Willow's eyes went impossibly wide when Tara opened what appeared to be an occupied dorm room. "Tara!" Willow yelled in whisper. As Tara pulled her just inside the room, Willow whispered again, "What are you…?" Tara released Willow's hand and Willow gasped when Tara closed the door behind them.

The room was dark and there were no sounds in the room. Willow waited a moment trying to adjust to the light. Tara walked to the center desk and turned on a small desk lamp. It barely illuminated the desk area let alone the room. She turned back to face Willow and quickly closed the distance between them. They were actually alone.

"I'm not supposed to see you." Tara repeated the comment she'd said earlier as she stepped closer to Willow. She dropped her tone. "And I really want to…" Tara moved closer to Willow and dropped her tone again as she focused her eyes on Willow's lips. "Regardless…" Tara's voice was breathy.

"Tara?" Willow was trying to focus on Tara, but she was edging closer to her. "Oh Tara…wait…wait." Willow put her hands up and they landed on Tara's waist.

"I've seen the way you look at me. You feel it too."

"Of course I feel it. That's not even a question. But this is your life now, not just a moment." The words came out with much stronger conviction than Willow felt. Her resolve was wavering. The texture of Tara's jersey shirt on her fingers warmed by Tara's rising temperature was becoming an unbearable temptation.

Tara's one word response captured the essence of her feeling, "Regardless."

"So is this 'carpe diem' for tomorrow you're going home?" Willow wasn't sure what had changed for Tara. Her attitude had seemed so different just a little while earlier.

"Nope," Tara took another step toward Willow. "But we are taking a moment if you want to." Tara looked deeply into Willow's eyes to see if there was any resistance. "If there is no difference between my thoughts and my actions, then I want you to know…"

"But Tara I do know. There's nothing for you to prove." Willow was so afraid that if Tara did this, then she would regret it.

Tara reached up and touched Willow's cheek. "I know the consequences," Tara whispered, "I have a week to figure this out, but I know one thing…" Tara reached around and freed Willow's hair from its ponytail. "This is more real than anything I ever imaged. And if he's wrong about that…" Tara carefully dropped the ponytail holder in Willow's front shirt pocket, "then maybe you're right."

"What about the rules?" Willow tried one more tactic just in case Tara was unsure. When Tara started stroking her hair, she knew the battle was lost. Her eyes closed in submission to her touch.

Tara leaned in close to Willow's ear and whispered softly, "no regrets." Willow felt Tara breathe in her scent before she continued, "I have to follow my heart." Tara used her cheek to caress Willow's face. Her skin was so smooth where they touched. Tara switched sides feeling Willow's right cheek against hers. Tara continued to feel Willow's neck and hair and face with her right hand. Her mouth fell open as she relaxed into the feel of their faces touching. She gently moved her lips to Willow's ear, "And no rules."

Willow thought she was going to lose her ability to stand up. There were tremors racing through every fiber of her being. Tara's sensuous caress was driving her mad with desire. She hadn't even kissed her. She never wanted the moment to end. She didn't know what the new rules were…or what if there really weren't any? What did she want?

Willow pressed her face back into Tara's cheek. She felt the soft silky skin so gentle against her own. She repeated the movement Tara had earlier and switched sides. She was careful not to get too close to Tara's lips on the way past. Instead of moving further back toward Tara's ear as she had done, Willow pulled forward so she was touching Tara's jaw with her cheek. She let her mouth fall open and turned her head to feel Tara's face with her lips.

Tara was in heaven. When Willow started responding by matching the pressure against her skin, Tara stopped having to repeat "regardless" in her head. She was lost to the sensation of Willow. Her mouth still hung open, her breaths were uneven, and her neck felt like rubber. Wherever Willow moved, Tara followed. When Willow pulled away, Tara nearly cried out.

Willow closed the distance between them and for a moment held her lips just of out reach. She raised her head closing the gap just a little, but never connecting to Tara's lips. The heat was rising between them and the pull was too great to resist. Willow captured her lips in a tender kiss. Even though she thought her heart would beat out of her chest, this moment wasn't about unbridled passion; this was an exploration of the love between them. Willow knew Tara understood that.

Willow still had one hand at Tara's waist. The cotton jersey felt soft and she was playing with the material. She pulled away from Tara for just a moment long enough to ask the question, "No rules?"

Tara responded by reaching up with both hands and threading her fingers through Willow's hair by her ears. She moved her right hand in an arc feeling her hair and circling back around her ear, across her neck and up under her chin. She moved her fingertips across Willow's still parted lips, "No rules."

Willow closed the gap between then again. She took Tara into her arms and turned them so that Tara had her back against the door. Her next kiss was hungrier; it betrayed her inner most desires. She greedily sucked on Tara's lips and teased her with her tongue. She broke away, moved to Tara's ear and nibbled lovingly on the lobe. Willow kissed Tara's neck carefully so she wouldn't leave any marks. When she found Tara's lips again, she also touched Tara's garments on her stomach. Willow felt Tara's stomach quiver.

Tara didn't remember Willow un-tucking her shirt, but she was elated with the feel of the warm palm against her belly. Willow slowly moved her hand around to Tara's back and pulled them closer to together. Although Tara liked the feeling of Willow pressing her against the door, she didn't mind the shift. It felt to Tara like Willow was everywhere.

When Willow's hands reached her back, Tara felt the soft scrape of short cut nails combined with a gentle kneading. She wondered how anything could feel any better than that. The thought made her swoon and it nearly brought the both of them down. She tried to move them both toward the bunks, but Willow stopped them.

Willow knew it was one thing to give in to temptation of smoochies and quite another to get too comfortable and lose themselves to passion and desire. Willow removed her hand and brought it to Tara's face. "I'm not ready." Willow said simply. She kissed her gently and then continued. "I don't want to do…" Willow motioned with her eyes toward the empty bunk, "…that, if I think it's because I'm only going to get one "moment" with you."

Tara considered Willow's hesitation. It was Tara's turn to widen her eyes. She hadn't realized that she was moving toward that level of intimacy with Willow. The idea hadn't even crossed her mind. She was just enjoying the closeness and feel of Willow. "Oh, no, I'm not ready either." Tara thought for a moment, "But if I was ready, then I'd want to be ready with you."

The comment earned a chuckle from Willow. "I guess we just made a new rule." Willow took another deep breath, more to cool herself down than anything, "And tomorrow we can find out if the moment was, well you know, just a moment or a beginning."

Part 34
Ready or Not, Here I Come

Day 8 – Thursday, November 15, 1984)

Willow's hand was still on Tara's face. She smiled as she felt the soft downy skin under her caress. She moved the pad of her thumb slowly across Tara's cheek bone. Willow stared with loving intensity into Tara's eyes. "I'm not ready," Willow repeated her prior statement, and took another step toward Tara. She stepped slightly to the right of Tara before moving in a little bit closer, "but I'm so not done." Tara licked her lips unconsciously, her eyelids relaxed into a slow blink when she heard the sensuous declaration. She felt weak.

Willow tucked her fingers into her palm and continued to feel Tara's face with the sensitive skin between her knuckles. She moved her hand gently down Tara's jaw line and she changed direction moving below her face to touch her neck. Willow shifted her gaze to watch her hand traverse the contours of Tara's skin. She extended one finger and softly traced along the line under her chin, down her throat to the sensitive shallow at the base of her neck.

She extended all of her fingers again feeling the sides of Tara's neck and reaching the edge of Tara's hairline, twirled the softer hairs there. Willow played with a few strands before moving her hand back down the way she'd come. When she had returned to the soft "V" above Tara's sternum, Willow flipped her hand again this time using just the tips her fingers to stroke ever so slowly along the top of Tara's t-shirt.

Tara stood perfectly still feeling the caress and getting lost in the sensations. She closed her eyes. She took a breath that revealed her inner tremors. Willow felt Tara's breathing change when her hand moved just under the hem of her jersey collar. Willow stepped closer, she rested her left hand just above Tara's hip. She applied a little pressure and Tara moved back up against the door. Willow gently guided Tara to relax against the door. Tara felt like she would fall, she was enraptured by the simple feel of Willow's loving touch.

Willow moved forward again. She positioned herself comfortably against her. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the feel of her, every nuance, every curve, and every inch where they connected. Willow dropped her head and rested it on Tara's shoulder. She wanted to feel, really feel Tara.

When Willow's head fell to Tara's shoulder, she was broken from her own trance. For the most part, she would have fallen were it not for Willow and the support of the door. Tara moved her own right hand to the small of Willow's back. She laid her hand flat against the cotton and felt the warmth of Willow's rising temperature. She extended her hand trying to get more contact, but it wasn't enough. She gently pulled Willow closer. She moved her left hand and positioned it on Willow's upper body and tried to draw them closer. Tara couldn't get enough.

Tara had never been so close to another person, she was lost in the sensations running through her entire body. She felt weak, but she felt strong, confident and yet afraid. All the fears and insecurities were rising to the surface and in Willow's touch they seemed to disappear. She felt more alive than she ever had in her life. And she knew that this was just the glimpse of what could be ahead.

Tara wondered if she'd know what to do if they ever did get any closer than they were at that moment. With the thought, a shudder went through her. It felt like electricity and she was warmed from her feet to her head in an instant. She gasped with an open mouth as the feeling washed over her. The intensity of emotions overwhelmed her.

Tara took over the lead. She didn't care if she didn't know what do to, she just wanted to feel Willow. She pressed every part of her body against her in response to the heat. In a hasty movement, she turned Willow and pressed her against the door using her legs and upper body to hold her in place.

With both hands released from the embrace, Tara threaded her right hand into Willow's hair and encouraged Willow to look up at her. Willow surrendered to the commanding touch. Tara took possession of Willow's lips in a heated kiss. Her left hand landed at Willow's waist and Tara caressed the sensitive areas she'd tickled only days earlier. The touch prompted no giggles from the redhead, this time; the only response was a hungry exchange at her mouth. Tara felt Willow's chest heaving in response to the stimulation and her desire only multiplied.

Willow thought she was beginning to see stars. She was so caught up in the sensations, the feel of Tara everywhere, she couldn't think; all she could see was Tara. All she could feel was Tara. All she could smell was Tara. All she could taste was Tara. She felt Tara's hand on her waist and the passions rising from her girl. She was afraid they were going too far too fast, but she couldn't help getting lost in the feelings.

Then Tara's kisses changed. No longer were they unpredictable and irregularly spaced which had kept her swooning with anticipation, they had become rhythmic, like Tara was responding to some inner drumbeat. Willow easily joined in making this unheard music with her. Willow was starting to lose control. Her pulse was rising, her mind alit with fire and passion for Tara. Her body was thrumming in response to the intensity of pleasure. She knew if they didn't stop now, she wouldn't be able to hold back.

She needed time, time to process the turn of events, time to consider what this all meant for her and for Tara. Most of all she needed time to make sure Tara wasn't just reacting to the meeting with the mission president. Inside an inner battle for control was being waged. Willow had to choose right now: forget about the lines, the rules, anything that resembled willpower, and let Tara have all of her or choose to be strong and fight the primal urges. She wanted so much to succumb to the passion that threatened to erupt between them. But they both had to be sure.

Willow knew she hadn't even begun to question what all of this meant for her faith. And she didn't want Tara to wake up with any regrets for indiscretions. She needed a plan. The only one she had was a little bit drastic. She knew it was risky for both of them.

Willow returned both of her hands to Tara's upper back and pulled Tara as close as she could. With her right hand she held tight, and she let the left hand cross slowly down from Tara's left shoulder blade, down across to the small of her back, where she made small circles scraping gently with her short nails for a moment before continuing on her journey south.

Tara wasn't certain what Willow was doing, but the feel of her touch on her back was so sweet and loving, she ignored the fact that Willow's hand appeared to be going somewhere. When it stopped, Tara resumed focus on kissing Willow, but that hand had continued. When she felt Willow's hand slide down below her waist, she became distracted and lost her rhythm.

Tara pulled away from Willow's lips when she felt the sudden pressure on her behind and took another sudden gasp of breath. Her eyes showed a slumberous expression which Willow matched as she gazed into her eyes. After the unexpected yet sensual squeeze, Willow dropped her hand lower. She continued her torturously slow caress until she reached Tara's right thigh. She stared intensely into Tara's eyes conveying the want and desire she felt.

With a soft touch she moved once up and down the side of her leg before reaching around to the back and placing her fingers in the center between the two muscles. She pressed firmly and pulled up.

Tara was totally unprepared for the jolt of energy that radiated outward from her center when Willow seized the nerve in her leg. She nearly lost her balance, but Willow was holding her tightly.

Willow took a step forward, bent her knee, and took them both to the floor in a swift fluid motion. Before Tara even realized what was happening, Willow had cushioned their fall with her left hand. She moved her right hand to the back of Tara's neck and ensured Tara landed softly. She landed in position nestled in place straddling Tara's legs. She then carefully lay Tara's head down and rested on both of her arms with Tara below her.

Tara's hair lay about her. Her mouth had fallen open in shock, but quickly relaxed in preparation for Willow's impending advance. Her eyes wide in surprise, softened in an instant when she looked up into Willow's eyes. She let go of the breath she'd been holding and felt a new sensation of warmth. Willow slowly drew her hand to Tara's brow and removed the confining bobby pin that held the last restrained hairs. Still positioned above Tara, she reached slowly toward the pocket of her flannel top and dropped the hair pin in where her imaginary key had been placed for safe keeping a while before and her elastic ponytail band after that.

Tara flashed back to the moment earlier when Willow had placed her "being quiet" key in her pocket. She remembered Willow's blush when she had patted their private token. Willow hadn't babbled since. In fact, she was mostly silent and the last thing she'd said was that she wasn't' ready; yet here they were, looking and feeling very ready. Well, technically she'd said she wasn't done, but she had said she wasn't ready. The realization make an impression on Tara. She had to ignore the pulsating need and do the right thing for Willow.

Tara resisted the urge to pull Willow against her so she could feel the pillowy softness of her lithe body. She resisted the urge rise up and embrace her to feel the soft alabaster skin. She wanted to touch her, hold her, stroke her hair and kiss her. She wanted to love her, to explore every inch of her, to taste her, to devour her. The temptation was colossal. She resisted with everything she had.

Tara closed her eyes trying to regain her focus. She took a deep breath and pursed her lips. She was glad they were on the floor so she could concentrate on the hardness. Her discomfort was actually a blessing. She tried to dismiss the images that were flooding her mind: to touch, to feel, to love Willow. To watch Willow. She tightened her eyelids in concentration.

Willow watched the play of emotions on Tara's face. She was waging her own battle. She had to be strong for Tara. Tara's faith was different then hers; it was rooted in family and history and tradition. Willow didn't have that. Her faith was based on hope of normalcy, hope of belonging and hope for fellowship in what she thought would be a solitary life because of her issue. She had placed her hopes in a future most likely beyond this existence of all the things promised. In this life, she was defective. She couldn't pull Tara into that.

After a moment, Willow reached out a finger and touched the indentation at Tara's throat, "You know, this is called sorbilia maphonensis." She let her finger stay in place.

Talking, she's talking to me. Tara was surprised and realized in an instant what Willow was up to. "And that is?"

"It's a pretty word for the jugular notch at your sternum." Willow began, "But doesn't it sound better in Latin?" Willow flipped her hand over again as she'd done before and began stroking Tara's face, rotating her hand and fingers along with every contour.

"Well some things do sound prettier in different languages." Tara began, "But not everything. I don't really like the sound of Willow in Japanese, except when it's just us and we're," Tara paused for a moment. "Well, you know, talking, just us, in a crowd…but sneaky. But the others, they'll catch on, so Barkley is my favorite. Because that's just 'ours' you know."

"I like having things that are just ours." Willow was getting lost in the touch again. Her hand had moved to the "V" at Tara's Jersey. And she was starting to absentmindedly play with the material.

Tara was watching Willow intensely. She felt the tender touch, and she was safe. "Me too." Tara's response was barely audible.

"Tara…" Willow began her voice barely more than a whisper, "I really do want to…" She moved her finger just under the material to feel Tara's skin with the tip of her finger. She pulled back the material a little exposing a little more flesh. She flattened her hand to feel the warmth.

"…But you're worried about me?" Tara finished the thought.

"It's more than that. I mean…yeah…but it's more than that. I'm worried about us, and what happens if…" Willow closed her eyes when she couldn't continue.

"I know there are a lot of what ifs." Tara tried to run through the many scenarios that could be troubling Willow. "And right now, I really don't want to think about that."

Willow reopened her yes and looked beseechingly. "But Tara, there are things to consider. We can't go back, I can't go back. Now that I feel you, I just want you more." Willow was starting to break. "And this is just a moment…" She closed her eyes again.

Tara sensed Willow was struggling with where they were going in the relationship. Was it a relationship? No wonder Willow is afraid. We haven't defined "us." Tara reached up and unbuttoned the very top button of her jersey shirt. "I don't think this is just a moment." She undid another and stopped. "I don't want it to be."

When Willow opened her eyes to respond she noticed the buttons. Did I do that? How could I have done that? Willow replayed the recent events, No, I didn't do that. The opening exposed the silky garments below. Tara reached up and drew back her shirt and garments exposing a small area below her clavicle.

"Moments don't last, right? Tara questioned. Willow just nodded. What is she doing? As Willow was trying to process, Tara moved her shirt and garments exposing a little more area for Willow. "I want it to last." She nodded to Willow showing her own resolve. "I want to remember this feeling, your touch, these moments forever." She pulled back a little bit more conveying silently her unspoken request. "Just ours."

"Tara?" Willow wanted to confirm what was being offered.

"I want you to." Was all Tara needed to say.

Willow scooted down, she was still nestled snuggly between Tara's legs. "You're sure, this could show through."

"I know."

Willow kissed Tara tenderly on the lips, and then moved to Tara's ear and nibbled for a moment before laying a trail of kisses down Tara's neck. She ensured that as she moved down to position herself over Tara than she maintained contact where ever she could. The movement only served to reignite the fire for Tara, but this was not about satisfying needs. This was something else. This was about trust and commitment.

As Willow's mouth approached the smooth skin she extended her tongue and painted a glistening trail across the bone and onto the area just below. The touch was torturous for Tara. She couldn't wait for Willow to mark her. Willow placed her hands a little above Tara's stomach feeling the ribs through the soft cotton material. "May I?"

The closed eyelids and slight nod of silent approval gave Willow carte blanche. She latched onto the smooth skin and tasted. Tara threaded her fingers through Willow's hair and held her firmly against her chest while Willow worked on the mark. Tara enjoyed the feeling of Willow's lips on her skin. The little shock of pain gave way and was replaced by a very pleasurable sensation. Willow seemed to be learning as she was going along which she found endearing. She observed the girl alternate between caress and gentle bruising. Willow fell into a rhythm. She was getting lost in the sensations again and Tara pressing back toward the sensual kiss.

Willow fought the urge to gain leverage on the area by lifting Tara's breast. Tara's responsive thrusts were just so much. Willow's temperature started to rise again and her breathing changed while she worked the skin to a light purple color. She tentatively reached up to feel the soft forbidden skin just along the base.

Tara felt Willow's thumb hesitantly touching above the ribs on her waist. And she was amused by the shy redhead. She appreciated the fact that she'd all but offered herself and Willow was taking things slow.

When Willow felt she had finished, she lifted her head to examine her art. Her eye brows raised high when she saw what she had done. Tara saw Willow's face and tried to look, but the angle was all wrong. This was a job for a brighter room and mirror – preferably with no one else around.

"Come on," Tara grinned. "Let's go see your art." She grabbed Willow's hand. Tara winked at Willow, rolled her over quickly, planted a kiss on Willow's forehead, and got up off the floor. "And those naughty little thumbs so need to be punished." Tara buttoned up the jersey just in case any one was on the floor. They casually left the empty door and headed toward the bathroom for a look.

Part 35
Keepsakes

Day 8 – Thursday, November 15, 1984)

Willow had run ahead of Tara into the bathroom. She checked under each door and looked inside each shower stall just in case. Tara followed in behind and went to the mirrors. She looked to Willow for confirmation that they were truly alone. When Willow nodded, Tara tried to pull back her jersey shirt to evaluate the love mark Willow had left for her, when she couldn't see it she shot Willow a glance and shifted her gaze toward the entrance. Willow understood the nonverbal request and responded with a reminder of her own. She looked toward the second entrance. Tara would need to hurry, just in case.

Tara slowly unbuttoned the top button of her cotton shirt, carefully drew back the collar catching the neckline of her garment in one motion and pulled down to reveal a very large hickey. Willow was watching in anticipation. Tara ran her finger over the mark to see if it felt different on her skin. Her lips turned up a little when she when she touched it. Then she looked at Willow with a lopsided grin, "Kitsune."

Willow made a funny face, "Kitsune?"

"Uh huh, that's actually the right way to say it." Tara laughed, "I guess my teacher is better than yours." Tara resumed looking at the mark. "I may need a refresher for this keepsake. Where will you be next Wednesday?"

"Oh, well I'll have to check my calendar. Did you want me to put something in my date book?" Willow started washing her hands. Just standing in the bathroom seemed kind of weird; she preferred the lounge where there was no echo.

Tara let go of her hold on the jersey shirt and undergarment and then lifted just the jersey shirt away and tried to see in the mirror if it was visible through the material. "Can you see it?" She turned toward Willow, with her t-shirt still pulled back.

Willow's eyebrows went up. "yeah." She sucked in her lips in thought. "Uh…um…you're gonna have to cover that." Willow appeared to be in thought for a moment; Tara resumed inspecting the evidence of their earlier adventure: looking in the mirror, and feeling the skin. She actually was proud of Willow's efforts. "Do you have any makeup that would work?" Willow inquired.

Tara's concentration was interrupted, "What?

"Makeup…base, something to cover it?"

Tara considered the thought for a moment, "I don't want to."

Willow was shocked by the Tara's statement, "What? Tara, no, you can't, you have to hide that." Willow was trying to study Tara's face to see what she was saying, but Tara was still turned toward the mirror. "Tara?" Willow's voice was just above a whisper.

Tara wanted to choose her words carefully so Willow would understand. "I don't want to cover it up. I know I can't, we have to hide it, but if I cover it up then you might think I'm not proud of it."

She said we.

Tara continued, "This is something that is just ours. And I'll be careful with it, but I'm not ashamed of it." Tara glanced at the clock; they still had a little time. "Plus I don't really have anything to cover it with that wouldn't rub out on this." She ran her fingers along the lacey texture on her garment. "And a band-aid would look pretty funny there – plus – hello miss jumbo size." Tara's face erupted into a toothy grin.

Willow smiled back, but after she contemplated Tara's statement for a moment she continued, "Tara, it's not worth the risk, what if someone sees it? What if it's an accident, like when you're half asleep or something? I never expected you to put your mission at risk. It's the mission that matters."

Tara knew what Willow had said, but Willow needed to understand. "Come on, let's go." Tara went out toward the lounge area where their books still sat untouched. "Grab those." Tara was taking charge and Willow complied.

Tara collected her books as well. While she waited for Willow to gather her organized lineup of colored pencils, she smiled from her heart. Her face showed it; she was completely content. When Willow had everything in her arms, Tara began to leave the lounge area; she was heading back toward Willow's dorm room again. She was walking fairly slowly, so Willow matched the turtle's pace.

Tara began carefully, "The mission does matter." Tara looked down as she walked, "But so do you and I. I don't want to sound all "Saturday's Warrior" or anything, but," Tara stopped and turned her body toward Willow, she shifted her books against her chest and clutched them tightly, she was still looking down toward the floor when she asked, "Would you wait for me?" Tara had spoken quietly, but Willow heard her.

Willow had been so busy thinking up the drastic and impulsive actions, she'd failed to realize that they could take time, a lot of time, to grow and change and become the people they had hoped they'd become when they signed up for their missions. Willow's mind raced. Could we do that, be apart and then really together, together? Would we change too much? Could we really do that? How could we do that? We could plan, yes, there could be planning, that might be ok. The Church, maybe it would be too much. Maybe…Maybe she means a longer wait…

In Mormon terms, what Tara had just done was the equivalent of a proposal of sorts. She wasn't sure if Willow realized it. Tara knew the statement might provoke a lot of internal babble. It was actually a fairly safe suggestion. There was little likelihood that Willow would meet someone else at least not right away, and Tara was pretty sure that her feelings were real enough to risk any amount of time apart if Willow agreed. She wanted Willow to think about that too. She hadn't really given a particular time frame, so that was also something she knew Willow would fret over. Willow was cute that way, always thinking out all the different scenarios.

She loved watching Willow like this. The lights were on in that brain of hers, there was a play of emotions running across her face at record speeds, her mouth usually fell open a little as realizations and connections were made. She hoped that her reaction would be favorable.

The rules talk had not gone as well as she had hoped. She didn't want Willow to feel bad for the way she felt about her, but she'd drawn the pumpkin and it nearly broke Tara's heart. She never wanted to hurt the girl, but the ache she felt had put things in perspective for her. She wanted to obey the rules for both their sakes – so neither one of them would be in a position Tara found herself in now. In a week she would have to face President Shepherd when he asked her outright if she was physically close to the person for whom she'd said she had feelings. And what if he asked for Willow's name?

The idea of Tara and her both completing their missions had seemed so important before she got the letter from Donny, but she wasn't that sure what to do anymore. If they did not finish their missions, it would reflect poorly on both of them, not to mention her family. And how would her family respond to this announcement. This had been weighing on Tara's mind the past few days.

Tara became lost in her recurring nightmarish daydream.

"Hey mom, I met someone really special…Yeah, I think I am. Oh, I know it's kind of soon, but we have so much in common, and we connect so well…

"Willow is adorable. Uh huh, well, she has red…what? Yeah, I did say she.

The silence was deafening.

"Mom?

"What? Okay – you need the phone? Oh of cour… The phone went dead.

The next image Tara created was that she was standing next to a grave site. She'd killed her mother with her phone conversation. Her brothers and sisters all were distancing themselves from her. Her father only scowled. And Willow? This was where the nightmare was fuzzy. Was Willow there or not? Would it help if she was or only make it worse?

Then the tribunal: a handful of men asked her the same probing questions about her sexual appetites to establish the depth of her perversion. They would determine her membership status or even forbid her activity within The Church. She hadn't shared that with Willow. She knew Willow would only get angry or worse, upset for her. She knew Willow would start thinking she was a vampire again. She really wasn't. I was the one who kept bending the rules, the one who was weak.

The intrusive questions of the president had furthered her resolve. The inquisition seemed almost voyeuristic, but she'd felt calm when she went in, and answered them honestly. No, she hadn't had sexual relations, inappropriate touching on any of the places he'd specifically asked about. When he started asking her about the length of time she held on in hugs and if they were full body hugs or not, and how many women she'd been with before she came to the MTC, she was offended. And when he asked her how many girls she was attracted to on the floor; that was just rude. If that's how he thought, how could he possibly think their love was real.

He probably realized he'd blown it when he used the term "regardless." Tara wondered if he had secretly wanted her to fail so he could hear all the great details at their next meeting. She also wondered if he'd orchestrate meetings with anyone else to determine who the love interest was.

Tara closed her eyes trying to rid herself of the images that had been troubling her: the mission president's words, the images of her family. She knew that her family and friends had dreams of her getting married in the temple, having children, full fellowship in The Church, but it didn't feel right anymore. The only thing that felt right was Willow.

They'd made a plan and she intended to stick to the plan, more or less, so she could answer honestly. She felt a little guilty, but the litmus test was being pure in heart. And with Willow, she was. Her feelings for Willow were the real, no matter what he said.

Several moments had passed between them. They stood still in front of one of the doors. Willow could tell something was bothering Tara and that only led to more speculation in her busy mind.

It was Willow who finally broke the silence, her voice reflected sincerity and hope in the one word answer, "Always."

Tara was startled by the unusual and strong feeling of de ja vu. It was as though the words that Willow had spoken had been uttered in another time and in another place. She blinked more to clear the thought than to clear the tears that she didn't realize had formed in her eyes. Through the glistening view, she saw Willow had experienced something similar. She looked a little shocked as well.

Tara wanted to be careful with her reply, but it felt as though the words were spoken from a different voice deep within her soul, "We can do this, we can make it through; we can be strong."

The last bit resonated with Willow, "We can be strong?"

Tara confirmed the statement, "Yes, we can be strong."

Willow lowered her voice, "I want to be strong for you Tara, but I also want to be weak and irresponsible, and reckless, and well to be honest, sneaky."

Tara's eyebrows went up, "sneaky?"

"Uh huh, sneaky," Willow wanted to explain, "I can't help it. You're just so, mmmm, yummy." Tara thought Willow had actually purred.

"Better than M&M's?" Tara challenged.

"Way better." Willow licked her lips. "Better than anything chocolate."

Tara furrowed her brow in disbelief, "no, there's nothing better than chocolate."

"Ya huh." Willow smiled seductively, "Way." She dropped her chin and looked up at Tara through half-lidded eyes, "Totemo way." [totally way (English)] As if to prove a point, Willow shifted her books and things into her left hand. She then reached out to Tara's right hand which was slightly closer. Tara was able to shift her items as well, and allowed Willow to take her hand. She pulled it up to her face, turned the hand over so her palm faced up. Willow took a deep breath and allowed the natural scent of Tara to wash over her. "Way."

"We still have a little time; do you want to come in?" Willow asked innocently.

"In?" Tara was puzzled by the response. Willow was inviting her in?

"Yeah, I had an idea and I need your help, plus I want an audience." Willow's eyebrows went up mischievously.

Tara was always amused with the myriad of expressions that the girl displayed. Everyday she saw a new one, and it was endearing, "That's not being very sneaky." Tara chuckled and the gleam in her eye betrayed her thoughts as she looked over Willow seductively.

Willow laughed out loud. "No silly, I had an idea for a non-mission jeopardizing activity."

"Okay, I'm in." Tara instinctively trusted Willow.

"I just want some comfy, non-couch time with you, and this seemed like a good way to do it. Plus the others, well, you'll see." Willow winked and looked around again to confirm they were alone. "And this is much safer than what I really want to do." She leaned in and whispered something in Tara's ear. The resulting blush was worth the effort. "Come on in."

Tara cuddled her books and followed Willow in. Smith and Kitchen were a little startled by the entrance, but relaxed when they saw Willow enter. Smith was puzzled when Tara followed in behind.

"You can set your books down here, but bring your notebook. This requires a little planning." Willow grabbed the extra pillow, continued over to her bunk and climbed up to the top. "Come on up." She instructed. She moved her pillow in behind her and sat with her back against the wall. She put the other pillow next to her in the same position and waited for Tara.

Tara climbed up and sat in a similar position next to Willow. They were close, but not quite touching. "Before I forget, I was wondering if I could borrow your pencils. I'm kinda working on a little keepsake for you."

"Sure anytime." Willow had opened up her note book. Oh what is she up to now? "Okay, there's Baltic and Mediterranean and community chest in between those two sea streets. Then the there's luxury tax, and a railroad, then the light blue ones.

"I think there's an orange group but is that the between the red and yellow? Or is it on the side before going to jail?" Willow pursed her lips in concentration. Innuendo was a good tool; she recalled thinking that much earlier in the week.

"No, there's a purple on the next side after the light blue, then orange" Smith chimed in but she sounded a little tired.

"And Chance," Tara had caught on as well. "Then the yellow and red are on the one side, right?" She'll like that one. Tara winked at Willow, "Then the other side is the green and blue." It was like the game was made for them. Tara continued, "I think the free parking is right by orange. So Go to Jail is between the yellow and green."

"Figures." Willow was a little deflated. Dang it. "Okay we know Blue – Park Place and Boardwalk. You want to start with those?" Willow had divided her paper and was starting to tear some medium sized squares for the game. "If we can't remember or want to make up our own we can."

"Oh we should make up our own." Tara considered for a moment. "You want the blue and yellow or the green and red?"

"Oh I so want the Blue and Yellow." Willow replied innocently but her meaning was clear.

"Oh good I was hoping to personalize the green and red too." Tara smiled at Willow and licked her lips. I like sneaky. Tara was really enjoying their innocent banter which was so loaded with double meaning.

Willow scratched her chest right under her shoulder blade. "Oh I think that's a great idea." Willow started making notes on her paper. "Okay we have 4 Railroads. We should update those too, don't you think?"

"Sure, but we don't have to limit ourselves to tradition; we could do it on planes, trains, boats or buses." Tara suggested.

"I am drawing the line at the love boat." Willow proclaimed.

"Check, no Captain Stubbing or Gopher. Plus you know that series should be over – it's so passé and predictable, this should be more lasting." Tara nodded in understanding. "Do we want Pacific and Atlantic to be more US related for the purple ones? Or do we want to go with a color theme, or new neighborhoods which could be fun as well." Tara inquired.

"What do ya mean, color theme?" Willow was curious about where Tara was going with this one. Her suggestions were euphemistically loaded and she was loving this. She couldn't wait to see where she'd take this line of thought.

"Well these are the cheap properties right?" Tara waited for Willow to nod. "Well I like Hicksville for one." It was Tara's turn to scratch at her hidden brand. "I think you should have the next one though.

"Hmmm, ok." Willow's mind was racing through the many directions she could take this imagery. Willow scrunched her eyebrows in thought, "gosh, all I can think of is Plainview. That sounds kinda hicky."

Tara had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. "Kitsune," she whispered and she moved her leg to bump Willow's thigh playfully. "Well now that I understand the assignment," Tara started I think this is gonna take a little longer than we have tonight. "Can we resume after we study tomorrow?"

Oh excellent, she wants another date. "Sure, plus we have do Community Chest and make Chance, this could be quite the project," Willow said with a completely innocent face. "And I haven't really figured out our tokens."

Kitchen and Smith had both turned out their lights and appeared to be falling asleep. Willow nodded toward their witnesses.

"And what are we going to use for houses, hotels and money?" Tara was suddenly very interested in how much of this Willow had already planned out. And the conversation needed to continue quietly.

"Money we're using M&Ms – those are actually already divided in percentages so we should be ok there. Brown yellow orange green and tan, I think that's the right order by quantity in a bag. We may want to adjust the property prices a little to accommodate for necessary eatage." Willow smiled at the last comment before she continued, "Houses and hotels, that's gonna be fun, I'm not to sure about that yet, but I'm sure we can come up with something."

"And the markers?" Tara was just loving all the thought Willow had put into her little game.

"Well that should be small and personal as well," Willow concluded, "as tokens generally are."

"Oh, uh, like this ring," Tara grabbed her hand and had another funny de ja vu feeling. That's just too weird.

"Yeah, that would be perfect. I was kinda thinking my Chapstick cap, it's kinda like the thimble. Although I thought you'd be more a car girl. I thought I could drop over at your properties with my little dog, but that was just one thought I had in my head." Willow added.

"Oh, I'd let you stay at my hotels for free, and we could go for a ride in the car." Tara added in a low seductive voice. She was thinking of Willow's hair flying with the wind in her little convertible.

"Oh, like free parking?" Willow moved her hand over to Tara's leg and laid it softly on her thigh just above her knee cap.

Willow's touch was like magic, it always seemed to affect Tara. "I'd let you have my get out of jail free card if you needed it."

"Oh, I'll definitely take you up on that." Willow moved her hand a little further inside Tara's thigh and squeezed just a little to confirm her point. "Do you like to play with the free parking pay out?"

Willow was driving Tara mad with desire. She felt her body reacting to the simple touch. She moved her hand and placed it in the same place on Willow's leg. Willow closed her eyes in response. Tara continued, "Uh huh, definitely free parking. I think I'll let you do community chest, okay? I'll take Chance." She gently increased the pressure on Willow's leg to accentuate her own point.

"You mean, Right now?" Willow husked quietly. Tara's eyes dropped to Willow's chest and she didn't even try to shift them. Willow blushed. She was burning up with desire. She fixated on Tara's mouth. She couldn't seem to move her eyes from the moist soft lips.

"There's two green in it for you." Tara was loving this game. The greens were hundreds and that's what you get when you pass Go. And she wanted Willow to pass Go.

"Think it's time for a bag of chocolate? You got me all hungry." Willow accepted the invitation. She realized she wanted her own Token of Tara's affection, and until Tara had time to color whatever it was, she'd like Tara Lips. "Are you in?"

Tara looked around the room to ensure both girls couldn't see her. She moved her left hand up to Willows neck, put a finger in the softness at the base of Willow's throat, and slowly dragged it down the line of her sternum until she hit the "V" on Willow's flannel shirt. "I'd love to be in."

Tara tucked her fingers into her palm. She moved the top of her fingers slowly across her skin. Then she slid her fingers out in a slow and deliberate caress. She felt a gentle rise at her pinky finger and moved her hand higher up to Willow's neck to avoid the forbidden touch. She didn't want to presume Willow would allow her to reach beyond. She wanted to respect the lines, if only in deed.

"Then we should go," Willow started. She had an amusing look on her face for a moment, She looked down toward the hand that still lay flat against her skin, "When I can actually walk again. That's making it hard. That's just making everything hard." Willow blushed when she realized how frank she had been. Willow thought the comment might be a little lost on Tara, but Willow realized if she didn't understand it now, she would soon.

Part 36
Plainview

Day 8 – Thursday, November 15, 1984)

Where were we: Tara tucked her fingers into her palm. She moved the top of her fingers slowly across her skin. Then she slid her fingers out in a slow and deliberate caress. She felt a gentle rise at her pinky finger and moved her hand higher up to Willow's neck to avoid the forbidden touch. She didn't want to presume Willow would allow her to reach beyond. She wanted to respect the lines, if only in deed.

"Then we should go," Willow started. She had an amusing look on her face for a moment, She looked down toward the hand that still lay flat against her skin, "When I can actually walk again. That's making it hard. That's just making everything hard." Willow blushed when she realized how frank she had been. Willow thought the comment might be a little lost on Tara, but Willow realized if she didn't understand it now, she would soon.

Willow motioned toward the two sleeping girls. Tara froze and listened. Both were resting peacefully. Smith had a hint of a snore just beginning. Kitchen sounded like her breaths were slow and rhythmic. They appeared to be still; there were no appreciable movements indicating that they were not actually asleep.

"Well, I can walk you over for the chocolate since they are asleep." Tara said quietly enough that if either were awake they would hear her and volunteer to do their companion duty. "In payment though, I think I should get your green ones." She moved her thumb slowly across Willow's throat.

Willow's eyes rolled up into her head. They seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Willow relaxed further into the pillow behind her and put her head back and closed her eyes. "And if you don't mind me taking a moment, I think I should use the rest room." She broke the word apart so Willow would understand she wanted some privacy.

A fresh wave of heat went through Willow. Tara was simply, deliciously, sneaky. She knew it was going to be hard to walk without that rubber leg feeling. "Well I would appreciate your help. Sometimes I get a little weak when I need…sugar."

"Oh, I get that way too sometimes. Here let me help you." Tara moved her thumb once more across Willow's throat and moved her hand down to the top of her chest just above where she'd been tempted before. The movement earned her a sharp intake of breath from Willow and her chest heaved toward the touch. Tara pulled her palm away and with her middle finger stroked just under Willow's clavicle feeling the soft flesh she hoped to kiss later.

Willow was struggling not to pant. Tara's touch was so sensual, so seductive. Just one finger and Willow felt like Tara was everywhere, she couldn't get enough. "We should go then." Willow's expression was slumberous, "Although I really shouldn't have sugar this late. After-hours sugar makes me a little irresponsible."

"Well who doesn't let chocolate cloud their judgment?" Tara smirked. She loved that she had so much effect on her girl.

All Willow wanted was Tara's hands all over her. "So much for my diet."

Diet, that's a good one. "Oh I hate diets. The more I try and resist the things I want, the harder it is not to have them," Tara held her words out for emphasis. "Especially when they are so close." Tara switched her caressing digit to her first finger and dipped lower on Willow's chest. Then she looked down at her hand and licked her lips which earned her another chest thrust from Willow. She keep her eyes steady on her goal. "It's like all consuming, you know you shouldn't have it, but it's right there ready to be taken. And you're only cheating yourself by not giving in."

"Well cheating is bad too." Willow started to move a little, but was still weak. "Well I'd like to go down first, but I think you need to catch me." Tara raised her eyebrow.

Willow saw Tara's eyebrow up and replayed her sentence back. She whisper yelled, "Oh! Not that way!" Willow sucked in her lips again in amusement. She looked down at Tara's hand and raised her eyebrows. She continued in a quieter whisper, "Well look at those."

"I have been," Tara admitted to herself and Willow. "a lot." Tara took a cleansing breath to steady herself, "Come on, lets go get you what you want." With that, Tara removed her teasing finger and got down off the bunk. She turned to catch Willow who was busy scooting toward the edge of the bed. "You might as well hand me those before you get down."

"Oh, good idea." Willow handed over the notebooks and pencils and Tara placed them on the desk. "Okay, you're next."

"Ready or not…" Willow climbed down, as she suspected her legs were weakened by her desires. Willow was grateful for the support but the added bonus was being close to Tara again. She took another breath. "Thanks, my sugar awaits." She grabbed some change from her desk and dropped it in her sweats pocket.

They left the room quietly and Tara waited as Willow closed the door. She turned toward the "other" room. It was one way to get to chocolate waiting in the vending machine. Tara knew they didn't have a lot of time, so she quickened her pace down the hall. Willow nearly jogged to keep up. The thought amused her: When Tara made up her mind, she was a force to be reckoned with. Tara opened the door and waited for Willow to enter and followed behind, taking a look at the little cheek jiggle she'd been tempted by a few days earlier. Willow turned to face her.

They stood a few feet apart, both looking hopeful but still a little uncertain. They'd been playing at innuendo and euphemisms for awhile, and it was fun, but there was always a risk. Everything was subject to interpretation. Sometimes the imagery referenced was not really supposed to represent a tangible thing. They both needed to be sure of their translations.

Tara started, "So are you sure you want your own?"

Willow watched Tara's lips form the words. She wanted those lips. She knew if Tara were anything like her, this was going to be enjoyable for her. "I just want you to be sure. This will make it harder for you." Willow was speaking from experience. "We can wait, I can wait, I don't want you to feel rushed or forced or like I expect…"

Tara took the last step between them and silenced the babble before it began with a chaste but heart felt kiss. Tara moved her hands to Willow's lower back and pulled them so they were pressed firmly together. She disengaged after a moment.

"Willow." Tara needed for Willow to really hear what she needed to say. She paused between each word so Willow would understand, "What do you want?"

Willow knew what Tara was asking but she'd learned not to think that way. It was always about the other person. She'd spent her whole life trying to be what other people expected her to be. She hadn't anticipated the rush of emotion that question evoked. Tears formed in her eyes.

After a few moments she was finally able to respond. Her voice faltered, but she was able to get it out, "I want it to be okay to love you." When she completed the sentence, her face started showing signs that she was losing control. She thought through all the obstacles that stood in their way, The Church, Tara's family, their mission rules, their mission assignments, the distance between them even after they were home, and society. Willow's heart was breaking.

She felt like there was only one safe haven other than this room right now with Tara. But even Aunt Melody might draw the line if Carol were around. She was old-fashioned that way. So the token she wanted Tara to give her was just another reminder that they would always have to hide, to be less than who they were. They would always have to sneak around like criminals, hiding in shadow, shunned by the very people who were allowed the freedom to profess their love for others in front of god and witnesses any way they saw fit.

Willow's mouth opened as her chin began to quiver uncontrollably. The tears streamed down her face. When she sucked in a breath, a fresh wave of sorrow overwhelmed her. But there were strong arms holding her. "Taraaah." She rested her own hands on Tara's hips.

The next wave of thoughts flooded her mind. She had sought help for her "problem" in several belief systems and been told that if she had enough faith that the feelings for girls would simply disappear. That failure was a reminder that she couldn't even love god right. Willow started to shake as her defenses started to fail her. She couldn't tell Tara that. Tara would see her as a failure too. She had to be strong, there had to be something more she could do, something more to keep Tara safe from all the pain she was feeling right now. But Tara seemed to want to be there with her.

She said we.

Tara waited while Willow plowed through her mental processes. She saw a break in the tears as if some tiny little ray of light had trickled through her mind; Tara seized the opportunity. She kissed Willow on the forehead and wiped her cheek with her thumb. She resisted the urge to put it in her mouth and taste Willow's salty goodness. Tara pulled her close and she whispered soothing words right into her ear, "It's okay." She pulled her closer. "I'm here."

Willow felt Tara's breath in her ear and she felt strong arms around her. Everything was upside down. All her emotions were coming to the surface and she felt exposed. All the doubts she'd ever had about herself, all the pain and sorrow, every harsh word ever spoken to her seemed to resonate in her mind. And there was Tara whispering in her ear, "It's gonna be okay." But it wasn't.

Everything was connected to this thing, this horrible curse. Willow realized early on that she wasn't like the other girls. She wasn't hung up on cute boys and didn't swoon like an insane person when some guy walked by. She didn't care about make-up and trying to impress the school stud. She liked the girls. And now she liked Tara. Here stood Tara whispering that it was okay. But it was never okay. She was never okay. Willow couldn't accept the words. How could she? She wasn't "normal." She was defective.

Being different transcended all areas of her life. It made her strive to be perfect so her family would love her. She tried so hard to be the perfect daughter. She did everything she was told, but it didn't matter. It really didn't even matter if she was in the room or not. Even when her parents were there, they didn't know her. She knew she'd be a disappointment to them if they ever found out, so she learned to hide. Willow found refuge in books, escaped to the library, and ignored her pain by concentrating on school work. Academic achievement wasn't enough though. She knew that.

It wasn't just her family, she didn't have many real friends. She was not like the others in her class. She did well in school and more than once she caught classmates looking at her work. Those who were brazen enough made friends with her, but their friendships seemed to fade when the shared course was over. The nice ones upset her the most. With each new lost friend, a little piece of her died inside. She internalized the hurt and became shy and inhibited.

Kids pick up on insecurity and fear. Like a pack of wolves, children attack the weak and they are without mercy. Having red hair that was bad enough; and being Jewish was so not the "in" thing. When she skipped a grade, what few friends she had vanished; she was younger than all her classmates. She was that redheaded dork who read all the time: Willow Nose-in-Book or Willow Rosenerd. Those were some of the nicer names they called her.

The older she got, the more she withdrew and distanced herself. Sure there were girls she liked; but she couldn't talk about her feelings, no one would understand. Someone would find out and the risk was just too great. It was all too much. Not expressing herself became the norm, it was easier to hide. She got so good at pretending to be someone she wasn't, that when presented with religious dogma, she just adapted a new ideal. It was easy. And she berated herself for her chameleon like qualities. She felt like she wasn't genuine. And if she wasn't authentic, how could anyone ever actually love her?

And then she met Tara. Tara turned her world upside down. She said we. It was just a glimmer of hope, and she didn't want to let it go. In a moment of weakness, she started to believe that she might be worthy of love. She actually felt like she was herself when she was with her, and Tara liked her back. She made a picture. Another tear trickled down her face when the image came into her mind. It was just a little sheep alone on the island. She said: I love you.

Willow collapsed under the strain and the two fell to the floor, in a tangled embrace. Tara stayed strong, whispering and stroking Willow's hair. She wasn't sure what was going on in Willow's mind, but she knew what turmoil and mental anguish she had been through in the brief time they had been there. She'd found some clarity in her journal when she wrote. And Donny's letter had really helped. However most of her comfort had come from Willow's words. It was Willow who gave her strength to think beyond what she had been taught, to question the source of her beliefs. She realized she had been impulsive when it came to Willow, but it seemed so right. It was that faith in Willow that made everything fall into place. And now Willow was falling apart.

For Tara, Willow always seemed strong. Tara wasn't sure what to do. Willow tries so hard to be obedient and comply with the rules – even when they were hard, well except for staying up too late. And the kissing. Oh, okay Willow was trying. She wondered what had happened in the few moments it took for the bubbly redhead to falter and breakdown. She was afraid to ask, but she needed to know what was wrong.

"Willow?" Tara's voice was like a song. She broke the hushed whispers she'd used before. She pulled back from Willow and looked steadily into her eyes. She stroked her hair again and used a finger to place a wayward hair behind her ear. It fell immediately out of place again.

Willow looked down. She was struggling to hold onto the loving words that seemed to echo through to her soul: We can do this.

"Willow, sweetie, what's wrong?" That seemed the simplest, take the direct approach.

Tara let the question sit for a few moments while Willow tried to compose herself. She went after the wayward hair again, this time she allowed herself the luxury of feeling Willow with her fingers and palm and leaving her hand in place while she continued to gaze at Willow.

Willow could almost feel the emotion and love from Tara's hand as she stroked her hair. The heat radiated from her touch. Willow was so afraid to give in to the sensations that contact provoked. A few more tears leaked out and she shoved them away with her hand.

Tara caught Willow's wet fingers and brought them to her mouth. She kissed them gently one finger at a time. Tara shut her eyes and let the feelings of love pour through each kiss. She took a deep breath and left her eyes closed as she took Willow's hand and held it against her cheek. Her heart felt warm and full.

They sat motionless on the floor huddled together just inside the door. Several minutes passed as Tara waited for Willow's response. Willow's mind had actually stopped working; Tara was holding her.

It was like an epiphany. She was starting to believe. Willow let the reality of that moment settle in her soul. It was as though a tiny ray of light touched her heart: She means we.

It's one thing to hear words and understand the meaning of them. It's another to let them in. At times the biggest mysteries are the things right in front of us. We cloud some truths with our own thoughts and fears, dismiss ideas that seem absurd because it can't possibly be that easy. Life is a discovery simply because we can't always see the things right in front of us. And when your heart has been damaged, when you've lost faith in yourself and feel unworthy of love, then truly the hardest thing to believe is that someone can love you – even when all the evidence is in plain view.

Part 37
Out

Day 9 – Friday, November 16, 1984)

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…

Sister Kitchen turned off Willow's alarm. "She's out." She said calmly to Smith.

Sister Smith shot out of bed. She gave Kitchen a look and said in alarm, "She didn't come back last night?"

Kitchen laughed quietly, "No, she's here, she's just out. Look at this."

Sister Smith got out from her bunk and came over to see what Kitchen was talking about. The only thing that looked natural about Willow's position on the bed was that her head was near her pillow. Her legs were askew. It looked as if she had run and jumped head first onto the bed and let everything fall where it may. Her left leg was bent at the knee and her foot was up in the air, leaning against the wall. One arm was dangling over the side of the bed, but her elbow was not near enough to the edge of the bed so it stuck straight out. Her other arm was straight up over her head as though she was trying to pick an apple out of a tree. Her head was resting in the crook of her outstretched arm. Her limp wrist was the only indication that she'd not turned into a plastic manikin or a tortured Barbie doll in the night.

Sister Smith covered her mouth. She thought this was likely the funniest thing she had ever seen. She turned to Kitchen and made a quick and familiar finger movement and Kitchen nodded. Smith held up 2 fingers and Kitchen nodded again. A quick motion with her thumb toward the door and Kitchen immediately sucked in her lips. Her nod became more boisterous as she watched Smith begin her preparations. She handed a camera to Kitchen and quietly opened the door.

After she exited their dorm she raced out down the hall. She hadn't run so fast since she was in high school, but this was the opportunity of a life time. She gently tapped on the door when she arrived at the other end of the hall. When Colson opened the door, Smith was out of breath. "You" (breathe) "hafta come" (breathe) "and see" and managed to point to her own camera before she turned to run back the way she'd come.

Sister Conley saw the tail end of Smith as she ran toward her room. Conley and Colson looked quickly at each other, their eyes widening in understanding. Colson bolted back toward the desk, grabbed her camera and was just a few steps behind Conley who'd gone on out ahead. Conley made a quick detour as Colson ran by. Conley returned to the race shortly dragging a very confused Sister by the arm behind her.

Smith had left the door open and was changing settings on her camera to allow for the reduced lighting. Sister Kitchen appeared ready to take her shot as well. When the other three entered the room, they weren't sure what they would find, and only two of them knew it was simply too good to miss. Colson was preparing her camera as well and hadn't looked toward the intended target until the other two entered the room. Kitchen and Smith welcomed their sister friends with smiles and turned to face Willow. When the latest arrivals approached Willow asleep on the bed, two of them stifled their giggles. The third simply grinned.

A gentle purr accentuated the image of red fiery hair strewn everywhere and the impossibly uncomfortable position of the rest of her. Tara shook her head in wonder. Willow certainly was an enigma. Tara raised her hand and placed it over her heart without thinking. It looked like Willow had been too warm in the night and the blanket, bed spread and sheet were also tangled around her body and the contorted appendages.

Conley motioned with her hand and silently counted out with her first…then second…then third fingers. Three clicks and the proof was out there – hiding on the undeveloped film. Willow didn't even move. Smith made a motion toward the door with her head and pretended to turn on an invisible light switch. Tara moved over to turn on the light. She felt a little guilty for her part in the event, but there was the peppered letter and the toothpaste tube of perpetual salt, and well, she was still finding toilet paper stuffed in the pockets of her clothes.

Tara turned on the light and three more photographs were taken. Willow barely stirred. Tara made a silent note that no matter what, they really needed to get to bed earlier than they had been.

Kitchen said in a semi quiet voice, "Who wants to?" She moved her thumb in Willow's direction.

"No way, the last time she nearly knocked us both over." Smith retorted.

"Well we can't leave her here all day, she needs to get up. We have to get going." Kitchen responded kindly. Smith, who was still trying to figure Tara and Willow out, was studying Tara.

"You guys want to go to gym?" Tara was starting to see what needed to be done. They couldn't go without Willow, or Willow would need a "sitter." Tara laughed inside when she considered the thought. "Well I'm due for some journal time, I could stay while you go."

Smith rolled her eyes, smirked and nodded. Kitchen was much nicer about it. "Yeah, I kind of need the gym to keep me functioning."

"I was almost ready anyway." Tara continued. "Would that work for you?" Tara didn't even notice the disdain on Smith's face when she volunteered to stay behind.

Smith tried to read Tara; she was a little suspicious of he